Should my dad look after my sister (34) after a big operation? I think he is being ridiculously selfish.

[Chillijamntuna]

My sister has lived abroad for many years in the French alps, she does downhill mountain biking and is very into the young exciting lifestyle.

She has been very bitter that my dad has only visited her once since she moved there in her twenties (it's quite an expensive resort) I suppose because she was the young free and single one, partying, working in bars and flat sharing, she has always popped back to the UK each year so me and my dad (Mum died) have been a bit shit and lazyI suppose (I have had money struggles and been gaining qualifications for 5 years) and she is pissed off and increasingly angry with me and mainly him about this.

Anyway, recently my dad said he'd bought a passport and was going to go and stay with her later in the summer.
Yesterday, she broke her collar bone in 3 places and will soon be going for surgery to repair it with pins and plates.

I said to my dad (thinking it would be an amazing opportunity for him to 'show up' for her) that he could bring his trip backwards and go out there to take care of her as she recovers from her operation.

He reacted SO strangely, he said "well she can't pick me up from the airport so that's £80 for starters on top of two flight to/from France in peak season" then how am I going to get from where she lives to the hospital, the hospital's in another town and what am I going to do when she gets out?" I said "err take care of her, show her that you care, make her cups of tea, help her with practical stuff" he said "well she's got loads of mates can't they just make her a cup of tea?" she doesn't really have mates that she can ask for help, they've all started having babies now and she is also very full of bravado and can't ask for help if it kills her.

I said that it wasn't really to do with money/ practical stuff/ cups of tea it was to do with showing he cares (she often feels he doesn't)

Anyway, I have just had surgery today myself, I am literally bankrupt at the moment and have a two year old but I will go out to care for her if he doesn't. He is living with his partner, in her house paying a portion of rent, has no debts/money worries, owns a property outright, is working a lot and enjoying life in the sense of buying himself things.

To be honest, I'm quite baffled at how selfish he is being. He then got all shirty and said "I'm a good dad". So odd and childish.

The backstory is pretty long so I'll spare you but he brought us up single handedly so maybe he now wants to do what he wants to do but we've never been needy and both me and my sister have always stood on our own two feet and not asked for anything as adults.

IABU to suggest that he do this?

[rookiemere]

Please don't go yourself. You said you were broke, recovering from an op yourself and have a young DD.

Look I get you Dsis is annoyed, I get that your DF is being a bit crap, but bankrupting yourself to get over isn't fair on your family. Unless Dsis herself could put some money to the trip - I wouldn't bother asking your DF as I doubt you'd get a satisfactory response.

[Ladywillpower]

It is a lot to expect someone who is not used to travelling abroad to go out to a country where they don't speak the language, organise transport etc.
If your sister dosent have anyone locally who could help out she will need to come back to the UK to recuperate & then both you & your father can help her out.

[Sceptre86]

I would offer any support I could to my sisters if needed. Reality is that I live much further away, work and have kids so would probably not be able to take time off at short notice. However, I would check in regularly, send flowers, chocs and visit as soon as I could.

[snowqu33n]

@Bullbullbull
All the DSIS has asked for is that they keep in touch and come and visit her once in a while. How is that selfish? Genuinely interested to find out.

[MindyStClair]

Has your sister been told what her mobility will be like after the surgery, and has she asked for help? From your post it sounds like you’ve brought this idea up rather than her, she may not need full-time help and even if she does, it’s possible she wouldn’t want it from your father - especially if he’s only there reluctantly it may be uncomfortable for both!

People who share these hobbies do tend to have each others’ backs in my experience, so she may not be as alone as you seem to think despite some of her friends having babies.

Overall, I’d say that you should stay out of it if you aren’t planning on going yourself, unless your sister has asked you to get him to go.

[SandyY2K]

This isn't a case of reasonable or unreasonable tbh.

I can understand his POV. She's a grown adult and his first trip going out there to look after her will hardly be fun will it.

He raised you on his own and you're making him feel like a selfish dad...which isn't really fair.

Your sister has chosen to live in the French Alps and should access local help following her accident.

[itsallafiddle]

YANBU. I have two adult dc and I'd be there at the drop of a hat to look after them. Your dad sounds like a selfish arse.

[TinselTimes]

It’s honestly not that scary a surgery and she won’t need much help. She will have an arm in a sling, so just needs to do things one handed. I’m sure even if her friends are a bit shallow they could help her get groceries etc.
See here for more info on the surgery: www.nhs.uk/conditions/broken-collarbone/

[MindyStClair]

Practically, getting to the alps isn’t that expensive this time of year - depending where you are departing from, Lyon & Geneva are around £100 return. And if it’s a proper resort there will be coaches because people will be visiting to hike and mountain bike etc. So if it truly is a cost issue for him, it would be worth him doing some research rather than assuming it’s too expensive.

[ChiaraRimini]

Your dad sounds a bit rubbish tbh if he's bleating about it this way he'll be next to useless when he gets there.
I think she really needs a local friend to come and stay for a few days. It's ridiculous to suggest she gets a plane home after surgery to rest.
Practically she will need someone to bring her back from hospital and stay with her overnight to make sure she is ok (assuming day surgery).
She is also going to need help washing and dressing herself for a few days at least as she will be very sore and probably tired and spaced out. Cooking etc with one arm and post operative is not too much fun.

[drizzleinbrizzle]

I lived abroad for a while in my 20s. While I was there I needed surgery on my back, my DM came over to help me as the recuperation time was long and I could not get out and about easily to do shopping or pick up my medication. BUT- I was living in my DM's home country so she spoke the language and could get herself about independently. We also had a close relationship so it was a natural decision for her.

It sounds like your DSis and DDad are not close, she may not even want him out there- has she mentioned it to you or are you just assuming?

[cushioncovers]

My thoughts exactly! Some very selfish, stingy people on here who clearly don't have close relationships with their children.

But that's the point, the ops family aren't close. They haven't regularly visited each since the sister moved abroad.

[Mayborn]

Do they actually get on? Because if not, him going when he obv doesn’t want to could actually make things worse.

I have a sibling who I’ve had to pretend to like for years but I have realised I just don’t and I’m never going to. They’ve announced they’re moving abroad, having thought about it extensively I’ve realised that I’d rather things fizzled out by my not going than go and have some huge bust up because we actually don’t like each other’s company.

This is a defining time in their relationship. If either of them want a closer relationship in the future then they need to say it, stop dancing around the issue (including you). If they don’t, then this visit is irrelevant and it’s just being used as a way for one or both of them to make their point.

I think it could be better to talk to your dad about why he really doesn’t want to go. Does he not want relationship, feel awkward about being close after so long, feel abandoned because she left after he raised her single handed, feel awkward about “caring” for her?

Get to the bottom of it and establish what each of you actually wants long term, then you can work out how best to talk and move forward. It’s not as simple as you’re making out.

[Reallybadidea]

Adults look after themselves.

That's such a sad attitude. Just because somebody is an adult doesn't mean that they don't need love, care and concern from their family. I can't imagine leaving one of my children to fend for themselves in this kind of situation just because they're grown up. Nobody has to do anything for an adult, but surely showing kindness to other people, especially your family, is just what you do?

[3luckystars]

Do not go out to look after her. She chose to move away, and has not been very understanding or nice towards you. You have not done anything wrong.

My sister and i are very close and she lives abroad, I would like to visit her more but I cant. (I won't bore you with my reasons but the point is, my sister would never criticise me for not visiting. SHE moved away and is an adult that realises that I have my own life and family now)

Your sister has lumped you and you dad together, saying you are not visiting her because you both don't care. Well that is not the case, you didn't visit her because you have a baby, are studying and can't afford it. Your dad has other reasons.

Of course she can travel home.

I think this will be a wake up call alright, for you. Your sister is childish and your dad isn't maternal. You need to stop feeling guilty, SHE moved away and is not coming to look after you now you have had surgery. Who is looking after you?

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

[distantdog]

Oh gosh you poor sister - a collarbone broken in 3 places and requiring plates and pins is not fun. Where is she? I had an operation (also live in French Alps) a few years ago and got daily nurse visits for 2 weeks after the operation even though I didn't live alone - she should speak to her doctor and see what post op support she might be able to get.

As to your question... I don't know, it's tricky. My mum wanted to come over but my dad would have been the same as yours frankly! It's actually not that easy to get around if you don't hire a car - buses are not that regular (though I suppose that depends where she is) and taxis are really expensive. We had plenty of space to put my mum up so she came with a friend so she had someone to do stuff with rather than just sitting around all day making cups of tea - would have driven us all mad!

[Snowdrop30]

YANBU, this was an opportunity to heal some wounds that have been festering awhile. He doesn't care to do so. He's not the good Dad he thinks he is. My DF is like this and always has been. Unsurprisingly, we aren't close.

Can you be a good DSis and Skype, WhatsApp or Facetime daily so she knows she is loved? Maybe send her over a care package of v cheap nice things - a magazine, shower gel? His poor attitude doesn't have to poison your relationship as sisters.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Yanbu, but I don’t think spending money you don’t have is helpful to her either.

Your dad is clearly not a good dad, but you cannot make someone care.

[ThePurpleHeffalump]

So he raised you single-handed, she pushed off to live the life of the the young and free and has rarely returned? Despite being the most mobile of you, with no dependants?
YABU. Her friends can care for her, it’s a collar bone, not a life-threatening problem. Or you can dump your responsibilities on your partner and rush to her aid.

Who’s going to look after your dad when he needs care?

[purplelila2]

I think you are also being selfish.
If your dad cant afford then he cant afford it.

You're calling him out for not going when you arent going yourself.

[Sirzy]

There are some big conclusions being lept to here about the father just because he won’t jump up and go at the request of his uninjured daughter!

[F2Feee]

You're a martyr for getting yourself in serious debt just to prove what a good sister you are. No you shouldnt obligate your dad in this way just because you want to play top trumps here.
Someone else pointed out that since he recently got his passport means he isnt the seasoned traveler you think he is. He might find it more stressful trying to navigate his way in a foreign country.
The op seems serious- your sister needs professional care. Not people to get themselves into debt to sit around making cups of tea just to show face.

[Asta19]

She’s in France. Not Australia! It’s hardly a long and gruelling journey to go see her. It’s an hour on a cheap flight, of which there are plenty! So yes your dad should go. All this talk about how she has “isolated” herself. There are places in the UK it would take longer to get to. My DS is in Japan and absolutely if he needed me I would be there ASAP.

She’s come over every year for a visit. It’s your dads turn now. No wonder she thinks he doesn’t care.

[averythinline]

honestly your dad doesnt give a fuck.... going to france and lending a hand is not a difficult thing to do.... I hope he's not expecting to go out on holiday and be looked after...

I think you feel guilty about the fact you've not been there and she has been the one coming back... and jealous of her 'party' lifestyle .....but do sound concerned about her now ...maybe as you're now a parent you see how he really is - as they say actions are what counts not words

I'm not surprised your sister is angry with her dad and upset with you - she probably feels unwanted/unloved by her family... and possibly still in the relationship mindset with you when she moved out (eg a young person.teenage stage of relationship rather than an adult relationship)

howver I think you are trynig to fix/mend a relationship that is not there.... would suggest you give up pn your dad/her relationship as there is nothing you can do about it...

but maybe take the opportunity to try and build an adult relationship with her..... you dont have to drop everything and fly over if you are bankrupt and have young dc ....but maybe talk to her about what would be useful.....if she would like you to comeover and you can with work/dc then maybe you save some and she contributes...

or just be someone she can talk to...- but if you're not really that bothered about a relationship with her be honest with yourself and her...she has proabbly got a network of friends now

[Juells]

Your dad is clearly not a good dad, but you cannot make someone care.

The sweeping statements in this thread!