Should my dad look after my sister (34) after a big operation? I think he is being ridiculously selfish.

[Chillijamntuna]

My sister has lived abroad for many years in the French alps, she does downhill mountain biking and is very into the young exciting lifestyle.

She has been very bitter that my dad has only visited her once since she moved there in her twenties (it's quite an expensive resort) I suppose because she was the young free and single one, partying, working in bars and flat sharing, she has always popped back to the UK each year so me and my dad (Mum died) have been a bit shit and lazyI suppose (I have had money struggles and been gaining qualifications for 5 years) and she is pissed off and increasingly angry with me and mainly him about this.

Anyway, recently my dad said he'd bought a passport and was going to go and stay with her later in the summer.
Yesterday, she broke her collar bone in 3 places and will soon be going for surgery to repair it with pins and plates.

I said to my dad (thinking it would be an amazing opportunity for him to 'show up' for her) that he could bring his trip backwards and go out there to take care of her as she recovers from her operation.

He reacted SO strangely, he said "well she can't pick me up from the airport so that's £80 for starters on top of two flight to/from France in peak season" then how am I going to get from where she lives to the hospital, the hospital's in another town and what am I going to do when she gets out?" I said "err take care of her, show her that you care, make her cups of tea, help her with practical stuff" he said "well she's got loads of mates can't they just make her a cup of tea?" she doesn't really have mates that she can ask for help, they've all started having babies now and she is also very full of bravado and can't ask for help if it kills her.

I said that it wasn't really to do with money/ practical stuff/ cups of tea it was to do with showing he cares (she often feels he doesn't)

Anyway, I have just had surgery today myself, I am literally bankrupt at the moment and have a two year old but I will go out to care for her if he doesn't. He is living with his partner, in her house paying a portion of rent, has no debts/money worries, owns a property outright, is working a lot and enjoying life in the sense of buying himself things.

To be honest, I'm quite baffled at how selfish he is being. He then got all shirty and said "I'm a good dad". So odd and childish.

The backstory is pretty long so I'll spare you but he brought us up single handedly so maybe he now wants to do what he wants to do but we've never been needy and both me and my sister have always stood on our own two feet and not asked for anything as adults.

IABU to suggest that he do this?

[QueenofLouisiana]

My DDad moved abroad 25 years ago. While I love him and care about him greatly, my day to day life does not involve him. My life is based around my family here, my friends, my son’s life. I couldn’t drop everything to look after him, I wouldn’t want to travel the long distance on my own (although I travel frequently).

Your sister made a choice to move away, she set up her own life elsewhere and has enjoyed it. She isn’t a teenager who left 3 months ago, she’s a fully fledged adult.

[Vibiano]

Your dad is not going to go.
I doubt your sister is expecting him to given how little he has bothered in the past.
I don't think she needs a carer, but some sympathy and a hug and a cup of tea might have been nice.
You just aren't a close family.

[Medicaltextbook]

Yabu - I think thatyour DF objections have some merit. It will be very expensive and it is hard getting transport in a foreign country if you are not used to travelling.

You don’t mention asking your Dsis if she wants help from DF or you and if so whether she just wants to come back to the UK. If she does extreme sports that group may all help each other out - I suspect other people will have similar injuries.

[Juells]

I can't see that he's being selfish at all. 'Er with the broken collarbone is an adult. He's obviously not comfortable with travelling on his own abroad.

The OP is being controlling and bossy, and I suspect she won't let the matter drop. Time to recognise that her father is a separate person with his own life at this stage.

[Lindy2]

I think when people choose to live abroad from their families then they do distance themselves a bit.
Your dad obviously isn't a big traveller and I can understand why he isn't keen to go right now. He's probably nervous about the journey and wants to have a holiday whilst he's there not be a carer. I think you're being a bit unfair especially as you won't do it yourself. If your sister needs a carer that much, perhaps she could pay your travel expenses instead so you can go.
Anyway although painful I don't think a broken collar bone is too debilitating. One arm will be strapped up but I think an independent and otherwise fit and healthy 34 year old will manage ok.

[Sparkletastic]

She can come home. She would need a lift to the airport and help with her baggage but as long as she's able to walk and sit she can fly.

[huuskymam]

My DS broke his collar bone when he was 10. As painful as it was, it was still very capable of doing things got himself. Your sister wont need much caring for.

[londonrach]

Your dad sounds selfish not visiting his daughter in 20 years shes lived there. No wonder shes cross. My parents never visited us for ten years whilst we lived in london as didnt want to visit london. I explain theres trains, buses and very happy to collect and had spare room but no thry never did. I had to visit them. They visited my sister regularly. Totally get your sister here. Yourdad should visit his daughter as she needs him now and go someway to making up for his lack of interest in the last 20years. He needs to stop thinking about himself and start being a dad o your sister. Unlesstheres a back story eg he is disabled and not able to climb stairs in her flat house etc.

[Socksontheradiator]

@TitianaTitsling op says sister moved there in her 20s, not 20 years ago.
I also think you YABU, OP. He's clearly not a seasoned traveller if he only just got his passport and while it would be nice for your sister, it doesn't sound like they are that close.

[TitianaTitsling]

I knew that socks it's other posters who are berating father like above you stating Yourdad should visit his daughter as she needs him now and go someway to making up for his lack of interest in the last 20years !!

[WitsEnding]

He's going to see her so they can spend time together, enjoy themselves and presumably so he can see where she lives and what her lifestyle is like. YAB totally U to suggest he moves his trip, and if I were your sister it would be the last thing I'd want.

It sounds as if you are trying to sound considerate because she's angry with you. This is a good chance for you to go out and help, so do it if you can afford to. Dont try to guilt trip your father into paying for it, your sister can pay if she wants to see you.

[SuzieQQQ]

Those of you saying “it’s just a collarbone” it is very rare for a collarbone to need surgery. If surgery is needed it is undoubtedly a terrible break, will require plates, screws and time in hospital, a general anaesthetic, it’s a huge operation. The risk of infection is high. What is wrong with you all? Someone in this condition should not be jumping on a plane to make it more convenient for family members to look after her. What the fuck is wrong with you all?

[Cyrusc]

YANBU OP, it would have been a great opportunity to show her he cares. People can feel vulnerable after an illness/accident and in times like that it really magnifies who truly cares about you.

It's bloody France not Papau New Guinea. If a grown man can't navigate a quick hop across the pond for his daughter there's something seriously wrong with him. He knows exactly what it will cost to get from the airport etc so he is familiar with the logistics, so ultimately it comes down to selfishness.

[Juells]

Yourdad should visit his daughter as she needs him now and go someway to making up for his lack of interest in the last 20years. He needs to stop thinking about himself and start being a dad o your sister.

She's not a child. Why do so many people think that, as adults, they should be able to boss their parents around and organise their lives for them?

[buckeejit]

I think he should go. If not, would he look after your 2 yo while you go?

Moral support will be really important for her right now. How about arranging a home help for now?

[Cyrusc]

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

My thoughts exactly! Some very selfish, stingy people on here who clearly don't have close relationships with their children.

[snowqu33n]

What @Comeanddance said.
She IS home. It would disrupt her life to come to the UK for rehab.
Your dad has been really crap not going out to see her until now. It’s more convenient to get there than it is to get to plenty of places in the UK, such as Orkney or some parts of the west of England, there’s probably a budget airline for a start.
YANBU for suggesting he go out to support her at this time. He is NBU to refuse if he can’t manage, but he is BU to do nothing for years then expect a cheap holiday. He sounds miserly.
DSIS hasn’t asked for help so she isn’t BU.
It’s unreasonable to use someone moving somewhere that offers them an opportunity for a good life as an excuse to forget they are family.
It’s not their fault the rest of the family chose to live in the UK. It won’t have been cheap for DSis to visit the UK all those times over the years and she won’t have been looked after as a tourist.
I suspect OP may now be questioning how much support the DF is providing to her, too, doesn’t sound as if he is helping her either.
He has trained them both to have few expectations of him. Why isn’t he helping out with his grandchild?

[rwalker]

There not close and even though she's his daughter all but a stranger he see's once a year. probably feels awkward
By the sound of it he's never been abroad so the idea of navigating his way to your sister in a forgien country is a big deal.
think you are being very unfair on your dad. You want to go can't afford it and you are taking it out on your dad.

[stucknoue]

Yanbu, if he cared he would realise that he could fly and take a bus to where she lives/the hospital etc flights to inland France aren't as expensive anyway. But with collarbones she won't be incapacitated really, it will restrict her biking activities etc but generally they don't even plaster, just a sling as it's a bit painful

[BullBullBull]

Your sister sounds selfish tbh

[Cyrusc]

By the sound of it he's never been abroad so the idea of navigating his way to your sister in a forgien country is a big deal.

He's been there before so that's no excuse.

[Juells]

Some very selfish, stingy people on here who clearly don't have close relationships with their children.

The OP is making the same kind of excuses as her father. 'surgery' 'bankrupt'. She doesn't want to go herself, feels guilty, so she's trying to force him to go. I'm close to my sisters, but neither of them ever expected me to travel to look after them when they had operations on feet, or appendix, and the same when I had an op under GA. Adults look after themselves. FFS, this is a storm in a teacup, and could lead to a permanent falling out between the OP and her father. I wouldn't put up with that kind of bossiness from one of my adult children, it would drive a huge wedge between us.

[Sceptre86]

I can see that it might be daunting for your dad and also not the type of holiday he was hoping for. Her friends might surprise you and step up to the plate.

I have had 3 ops in my life and my mum has been there every single time. Not really a case of me asking her she just turns up and sorts me out. My dad who I am even closer too gets beside himself and struggles to see me in pain but has still helped me when I have been through surgery. Why wouldn't you do all that you can for your child? They might have a meals on wheels type of service where your sister lives, maybe something your dad could look into and pay for?

[Juells]

He's been there before so that's no excuse.

He doesn't need an excuse. He's an adult, in charge of his own life.

[SuzieQQQ]

@Cyrusc thank you! A sane person in amongst the chaos!