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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC for this reason?

38 replies

MotherOfDragons90 · 11/07/2019 18:16

I’m interested to know where people would try for a baby in my situation.

I’m just 26, DH is almost 30. I’m at the point where a few of my friends are having babies and I am starting to day dream about being a mum, however on the whole I don’t think I’m quite ready yet. I love my job and I’m learning so much at the moment and on a more superficial level I still have a few bucket list holiday destinations I want to tick off.

DH on the other hand is completely ready. He would sacrifice all the holidays in the world for a family and wants to start trying in the next few months.

So ordinarily if I was advising a female friend about the same situation I would say to wait until she was ready as it’s her body, women end up sacrificing the most etc but our situation is slightly different in that DH has a condition that is likely to affect his mobility in the future. We don’t know how soon, he could be unable to walk unaided at 40 or he could be absolutely fine until 65.

His argument is therefore that he wants to start now to have the best opportunity possible to have the most amount of time running around and being active with any children we have. And I fully fully understand that. I would absolutely hate myself if we waited another 5 years and then by the time our child was at the running around stage, DH can’t manage it. And selfishly if he isn’t fully mobile it would increase the burden on me in the early years.

So I just don’t know what to do really. I half feel like it’s unreasonable of him to expect me to become a mother when I’m not ready, and half unreasonable of me to ignore his very valid concerns.

Please could I ask who others think is being U in my situation?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 11/07/2019 18:18

Compromise and wait 2 years until your 28 then start trying

Pinktinker · 11/07/2019 18:20

I’d leave it another couple of years at least. The only reason I say this is because you don’t feel 100% ready, you’re almost being backed into a corner by your DH’s condition. You’re definitely not too young to start a family at all but you don’t feel ready, that’s the most important thing here.

Whatsername7 · 11/07/2019 18:20

I would TTC. Id want my partner to compromise if the situation was reversed.

CodenameVillanelle · 11/07/2019 18:21

I'd leave it a year or two. Also, could he be the main carer and take most of the parental leave?

Pinkyponkcustard · 11/07/2019 18:22

TTC sometimes it takes longer than you think!

7sausagedoggys · 11/07/2019 18:24

Under those circumstances I'd try sooner rather than later.

mindutopia · 11/07/2019 18:25

I would compromise and wait a few years. Having children takes a tremendous toll on you physically, even when you don’t have a disability or long term condition. For many people, having children can be a trigger for decline in a health condition because it is just so taxing physically and emotionally.

If you’re dh is otherwise well, I’d make the most of these good years you have together before bringing in the complication of children. They aren’t just fun and running around and playing. They can have a real impact on your health and I would actually be inclined to delay rather than speed that up, given the choice.

smallereveryday · 11/07/2019 18:27

I would try and strike a compromise. If it is your DH desire to start now then how about he commits to taking all the parental leave available so that you can continue with your career ? Or do you WANT to be at home with baby ?
There is absolutely no reason why the woman has to take the work 'hit' .. these days. So how about he takes the reduced income/ lack of career progression opportunities/ decreased pension payments . ?

I don't mean this in a mean way at all but if the situation were reversed YES, I would go for it now .

SugarNyx · 11/07/2019 18:28

I don’t think this is a case of being unreasonable tbh. I can see his side and I can understand yours. I wanted to try sooner than my husband was ready because there was a strong chance I would develop cervical cancer and have to have everything removed. He agreed and we started trying immediately.

He wants the chance to be the father he wants to be and do all of the things dads dream about doing and that’s important. You’re not ready yet and having babies is hard. I guess you just need to weigh it up and come to a compromise that suits you both. It sucks you’re being put in this position though. I hope you find a solution

SummerHouse · 11/07/2019 18:30

I would compromise on a year. And I woul (money allowing) have the best pre child year of my life. Holidays, trips away, enjoying sunsets, swimming with dolphins (not my bag but you get the picture). It's not fair but your circumstances mean you need to live in fast forward. But then there are huge benefits to that in a way. You know your time potentially precious. We just wasted all our pre child years sleeping and and looking round BHS! Good luck and hope you reach a plan that works for you.

gruffalomom · 11/07/2019 18:34

So you guys think he will be past running around by the time he gets to his 40's (or earlier?!) Hmm

Anyway. wait until you are ready. it's bloody hard work, don't take it lightly

Original poster
MotherOfDragons90 · 11/07/2019 18:36

@smallereveryday

My work is really family friendly and I get 9 months paid maternity leave and 3 months unpaid, where as he works somewhere else and gets your bog standard 2 weeks paternity so it would make 0 financial sense for him to take all the leave. In a perfect world we could share it but again it wouldn’t make sense financially and as the one potentially giving birth/feeding I feel like it would need to be me.

It’s the same with the career hit - he would happily take it but his work isn’t very flexible so it would almost definitely end up me doing the lions share as I have a nursery on site/part/term time hours options, work from home options, flexibility around hours etc.

Again I would be happy with this in say 3 years but it’s not what I’d choose now.

OP posts:
HJWT · 11/07/2019 18:36

@gruffalomom did you even READ the full post? He has a condition meaning he COULD be wheelchair bound by 40

Some people 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
MotherOfDragons90 · 11/07/2019 18:37

@gruffalomom he might be yes Sad

OP posts:
HJWT · 11/07/2019 18:38

@MotherOfDragons90 Op my DH has disability's and some days really struggles to the point he can't move, I would definitely TTC now if I was in your shoes! you can take baby with you on holidays x

NannyRed · 11/07/2019 18:40

You’re both still very young, so you don’t need to rush this decision.

Have a chat with him, see if he is willing to think about trying this time next year.
This is ultimately up to you two to decide when the time is right.

It’s also worth reminding you that you can still enjoy luxury holidays once your children have grown up, so even if you’re 30 when you have your second baby, you can still go adventuring again before you hit 50, and 50 isn’t old.

Have fun ttc. I’m sure you’ll come to the right compromise for you both.

EvaHarknessRose · 11/07/2019 18:42

If your relationship is rock solid i would do it now, but with committments that it changes his life as much as yours. If not, don’t risk it.

Ginger1982 · 11/07/2019 18:44

Tricky one. You could leave it 'a few years' and then find you can't conceive naturally and need assistance and your DH is closer to 40 than might be ideal in your situation, or it could happen the first time!

Eekdatingisntfun · 11/07/2019 18:48

Considering his condition I would start ttc now. A bit earlier than you’d like isn’t going to change your life so much, but a few extra years could make such a difference to your children and DH

Nofunkingworriesmate · 11/07/2019 18:55

Don’t know what his condition is but is there anything he can do like physio or weight training that could put off the immobility for a few years? 26 is too young but that’s just me as I’m having one at 45

MaverickSnoopy · 11/07/2019 18:58

Can you afford to pay privately to find out what your fertility is like? Might give you more of an idea if whether you wait a couple of years whether you might have addition obstacles.

CouscousEvaporator · 11/07/2019 19:07

I think I would give it 12 months and re-evaluate, I'd work really hard in the next year to get some money together and go on a couple of holidays, get to where I wanted to be work-wise.
Don't pressure yourself- now you've had the discussion you'll naturally think about it a bit more, and a lot can change in a year.

I hope you can both find a happy middle ground.

gruffalomom · 11/07/2019 19:09

Totally missed the part of your post you referred to mobility issues OP. I am sooo sorry.

I would still say you have to be ready, so it's not a cause to rush but i would say for your sake too that you might want to consider his health. For myself with Rheumatoid Arthritis my husband has to do a lot more than he might if I was healthy so bear in mind that waiting might put more of the workload on you in the long run

Leontine · 11/07/2019 19:12

As a compromise could you wait a year or two?

Original poster
MotherOfDragons90 · 11/07/2019 19:20

That’s quite alright @gruffalomom it was a bit rambly!

Leaving it a year or two would be my ideal situation but knowing he frets about it upsets me Sad

OP posts:
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