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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To TTC for this reason?

38 replies

MotherOfDragons90 · 11/07/2019 18:16

I’m interested to know where people would try for a baby in my situation.

I’m just 26, DH is almost 30. I’m at the point where a few of my friends are having babies and I am starting to day dream about being a mum, however on the whole I don’t think I’m quite ready yet. I love my job and I’m learning so much at the moment and on a more superficial level I still have a few bucket list holiday destinations I want to tick off.

DH on the other hand is completely ready. He would sacrifice all the holidays in the world for a family and wants to start trying in the next few months.

So ordinarily if I was advising a female friend about the same situation I would say to wait until she was ready as it’s her body, women end up sacrificing the most etc but our situation is slightly different in that DH has a condition that is likely to affect his mobility in the future. We don’t know how soon, he could be unable to walk unaided at 40 or he could be absolutely fine until 65.

His argument is therefore that he wants to start now to have the best opportunity possible to have the most amount of time running around and being active with any children we have. And I fully fully understand that. I would absolutely hate myself if we waited another 5 years and then by the time our child was at the running around stage, DH can’t manage it. And selfishly if he isn’t fully mobile it would increase the burden on me in the early years.

So I just don’t know what to do really. I half feel like it’s unreasonable of him to expect me to become a mother when I’m not ready, and half unreasonable of me to ignore his very valid concerns.

Please could I ask who others think is being U in my situation?

OP posts:
Hazzleton · 11/07/2019 19:24

Was in a similar situation and was part of the reason we chose to have kids so early (under 25 when she was born). Took 2 years till I had a successful pregnancy.
Whilst it is hard and we’ve had to put our dream holidays back a bit I’m very glad I did it earlier as it would have been so much more difficult to take care of a baby as mobility got worse (mine got a lot worse very fast and am looking at being a part time wheelchair user at 25). We shall do the dream holidays later when DD can come too.
My husband has to do a lot in regards to picking up/dropping off DD but hopefully when I have a wheelchair I can help a bit more. Not sure what his circumstances are, but he could always use one part time if needs must and you want to wait?

thetimekeeper · 11/07/2019 19:25

If you're not ready, you're not ready - and that will have an impact on you after you have a child to care for. It will be difficult if you were 100% ready, but if you're not? Mentally, I would be concerned about your wellbeing.

It's really tough living with the uncertainty and loss your DH is facing with his condition, but the answer is for him to grieve and try to come to terms, not to pressure you to do something as huge as having a child before you're ready.

Besides which, there's presumably no guarantee that if you had a baby next year he wouldn't already have compromised mobility by the time that child was mobile. Rushing isn't the solution.

He imagined being a dad who could run around, but being a dad is so much more than that. I would be encouraging him to think about what's important to him about the role he has in his child's life beyond his own mobility, and how to have the kind of relationship and role that would be meaningful and important to him.

Because looking longer term, putting so much emphasis on needing to be mobile to be a "good dad" is setting him up for so much more grief and depression if/when he loses that but hasn't built up a more balanced internal view of all the ways he can be a wonderful dad regardless of his mobility or lack thereof.

Does he have a consultant for this condition who could make a referral to clinical health psychology services? I am not suggesting that because I think he's "crazy", but because they could really help him live more easily.

Health psychology is a separate specialism to "ordinary" mental health services in that it's specifically for helping people facing the kind of circumstances he is and helping them to still live in a way that feels valuable and meaningful - even if the picture of their life is different to the one they always imagined. It can still be a wonderful picture and they can help him create it, because it's probably quite hard for him to know how to redraw it on his own.

Health psychology services tend to be attached to hospitals and accessed via referrals from hospital teams, but you'd need to check how things are structured where you are. It's not the normal sevice where you go to GP and ask for a referral to counselling, so if you need to search or ask around make sure you state "clinical health psychology".

Ending up with some well meaning person sending him off to IAPT for a generic CBT course won't help in the same way (it would be a bit like being sent to see an ophthalmologist when you need a gastroenterologist), so you might need to do some research on services in your area and how to access them to make sure he gets to the right people.

Although it's totally understandable he would feel panic and sadness (and I'm sure lots of other things), the answer is support for him in finding ways to cope with the loss and unfairness he's feeling about the future he imagined possibly being denied him, not pressuring you to try to compensate and guarantee him a future nobody can guarantee.

Better for him - and his ability to live with the uncertainty of his diagnosis - to get that support now, before the stresses of children (and possibly his own physical deterioration) come along. Presumably this isn't the only area of his life affected by the diagnosis.

BertieBotts · 11/07/2019 19:36

It takes on average 3-4 months to conceive and then obviously you've got 9 months of pregnancy as well - so think about that, you'd have at least about a year left at work before stopping, and it's not as though you'd totally give up work, you'll likely go back.

What about starting in about 6 months? That gives you time to get some of your goals at work, maybe do one of the big holidays, and get other stuff in place e.g. any health or savings changes you might want to make, starting to take folic acid, etc.

IME timing isn't that much of a big deal, it all works out in the end, the person you're doing it with is 100% the most important thing. You want to do it with your DH and get the most years of activity out of him so I'd do it ASAP. Holidays and career stuff are only harder after kids, not impossible.

thetimekeeper · 11/07/2019 19:39

Sorry, me again.

Another thing that's quite different with clinical health psychology is that they often work in a very practical way, rather than just being a venting/listening space or focusing on retraining his thought processes (like counselling or IAPT CBT).

They can do both of those things, but they can also do focused practical work and if appropriate and what he wanted that work could involve you as well, it could involve connecting with other services to provide additional support, it could involve figuring out adaptations to his life... They can be much more hands on that you might imagine from a psychology service.

So a referral to help him with this single issue could go a long way and take you both places you wouldn't have imagined.

It's not "this is a sad situation, but think happy thoughts".

(I'm not on commission, honest, it just seems to be a little known or understood specialism - which is a shame for something so important to people's ability to actually live with difficult conditions.)

Ifeelbloodyawful · 11/07/2019 19:42

I would TTC now. You don't know how long it would take. I was older than you when we TTC DC1 and I still wasn't 100% sure I was ready (DH definitely was) but decided to go for it and it all worked out. Now I wish we'd had our DC a few years earlier TBH.

Tallgreenbottle · 11/07/2019 19:43

Start now OP. It may take a few years.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 11/07/2019 19:49

Personally I think Id start TTC now. I had three without trying, then #4 9 years later has taken 9 months to conceive. It was actually a real shock as i just assumed it would be immediate, so even if you dont actively start TTC maybe consider stopping BC and start with the folic acid etc with a 'if it happens if happens' attitude?

I dont know, I dont think either of you are being unreasonable at all, I hope you can find the right solution for your both Flowers

ASundayWellSpent · 11/07/2019 19:50

When we started TTC baby number 2, I found it surprising how long everything seemed to take! Appointment to come off birth control, prudent time for body cycles to settle, four months to get pregnant, almost 10 months of pregnancy... It can feel like once you make the decision to try the baby will be here at any minute but it really isn't, even in the "straight forward" scenario! For what its worth I had my babies at 21 and 24 and I love our life but can't wait until we have enough money for holidays!!

MotherOfDragons90 · 11/07/2019 19:58

@thetimekeeper that is really wonderful advice thank you so much. I felt a bit emotional when your post said about him being a wonderful dad regardless of mobility because that is absolutely true.

And thank you for all the other insights as well - I do think that it could take a while (I’ve had some problems with my overies in the past to top it off) so perhaps I will suggest a compromise of me starting the ball rolling of having my implant removed in the new year, that seems fair right?!

OP posts:
LetsSplashMummy · 11/07/2019 20:00

I would TTC, I rushed a bit due to a health condition and I'm so glad DH was on board. When you have an illness, you see your choices through the lens of that condition, you stop thinking you have control over everything. Your DH is ready because he has been forced to reflect and realise his true choices, not because he just got there emotionally.

The choices you have are to have children sooner with DH in maximum health or put it off, you don't have the choice of "ideal time for you," and DH in best possible health. The unknowns make it harder, and it's not easy for either of you. Can you fit in your most child-unfriendly holiday plan this year? Then start TTC?

WhoatemyLindtbunny · 11/07/2019 20:13

I waited and waited until I was 110% ready - this was a mistake. By the time I started trying I was desperate for a family and every month it didn’t happen floored me and it really affected every area of my life. I then after 18 months and nothing discovered that I was reproductively older than my age and my best chance would be IVF. In hindsight really wish I’d have started trying sooner it would have been so much less pressure if I had been able just to have some of that time at it’ll be lovely if it happens but I’m not desperate stage.

In terms of your own particular circumstances your partners condition alone would be enough to make me want to start now. It’s perfectly normal for a couple with optimal fertility to take over a year to conceive so that’s something to keep in mind.

Also It’s so much easier physically on your body when you’re younger as well - no one really talks about that.

In terms of travel why don’t you book something for the start of 2020 (if it’s the right time if yr weather wise) then you’ve got time to save for it it and can start not being careful when you get back?

Mrsboombastic99 · 11/07/2019 21:04

I was in a very similar situation to you. My husband also has a condition that effects his mobility and could mean he ends up in a wheelchair one day. We started ttc 2.5 years ago now (I was 27) and we still haven't concieved yet. I think no matter how much you want a baby you will always have nerves and reservations, it would be unusual if you didn't considering it's such a huge decision. Maybe give it 6 months or a year and see how you feel? One thing people always say to me is "there no such thing as the perfect time to have kids" x

MotherOfDragons90 · 12/07/2019 14:45

@WhoatemyLindtbunny I hadn’t really considered that point of view. I suppose now if I discovered I was pregnant I would be happy, although I’m also happy not be. I am starting to think ‘seeing what happens’ from next year might be best.

@Mrsboombastic99 sorry to hear about your husbands condition Flowers and yes I suppose you are right about their being no perfect time Smile I hope you conceive soon!

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