AIBU to say no to over night contact for baby?

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Ds's dad aren't together anymore at the moment the plan was for him to see him two nights through the week (not staying over) and one day/night at the weekend. ExDp has said Ds was unsettled when he had him overnight the other weekend and he's been off work this week so tried him overnight last night but had to bring him home to me as he was upset and wouldn't settle/take his bottle.
Ds isn't one till October and he's breastfed but does happily (usually) take expressed milk from a bottle and he eats well.

ExDp isn't kicking up a fuss to me saying no more overnights so it's not like that. I'm aware if he went to court he'd get them though, but for now he's happy to go with what I think is best.

But I feel like it's bad saying he can't, but at the same time I don't feel it's the best thing for Ds.
One of my mum friends said I should preserve though or he'll never get used to it and that I'm being unfair on Ex

He's 9 months old.
You need to do what is best for your DS right now.
And if that means no overnights for now, then so be it.
When he is older he will no doubt want to spend time with his dad.
As long as your Ex is OK with it and so are you, sod what anyone else thinks.

At 8/9 months of age there is absolutely no benefit to your ex having overnight stays. It’s not a sexist suggestion at all but infants generally want their Mother’s, particularly breastfed ones. He wants to be close to you, he doesn’t need to stay anywhere else overnight at such a young age.

I would stop the overnights for now, let ex know it's open for review/discussion anytime (although he sounds reasonable anyway) and ignore everyone else. You and ex both seem to have DS's best interests at the forefront so just make it clear to him that you're open to discussing changes at any point and see how things go.

It doesn't sound like he would take you to court going by the fact that he brought him back to you.

Look at staying as you are til he's one then building up longer day time contact then over nights at about two unless you really need a night to yourself or DS seems especially ready.

My hearts saying it's that he's not ready, but then I'm second guessing myself that it's my own feelings about it effecting me.

Ex would prefer to keep trying him overnight, he misses him and I get that and feel bad for him.

He's breastfed at night. End of.

At 8/9 months of age there is absolutely no benefit to your ex having overnight stays. It’s not a sexist suggestion at all but infants generally want their Mother’s, particularly breastfed ones. He wants to be close to you, he doesn’t need to stay anywhere else overnight at such a young age.
Utter rubbish! The only reason why this would be true is if the baby is only breast fed. It's not just about benefits to the parent, but also to the child. It's totally sexist saying all babies generally wants are their mothers. Mothers do no to have the monopoly on parenthood.

But it isn't your feelings, it's DS who isn't settling and perfectly reasonable to want to save him the upset. I would frame it to ex as 'a little break til he's more settled', don't put a time limit on it and try again when you feel ready. Is there anything you could offer ex instead? Putting him to bed at your house once or twice a week maybe?

Me and my ex arranged overnights from the age of 2, and that worked well for all. She has never had a problem settling at her dad's but when she was younger she definitely wanted to be at her main home

I think he's too young at the moment. Could you let your ex bath him at yours and put him to bed so he becomes familiar with his df at bedtimes?

Ex is coming to put him to bed here at the moment and Ds settles fine initially. It's the next waking around 11/12 (which he'd stopped) then he wouldn't take a bottle and just got himself upset. When ex brought him back he was really beside himself. He'd given him calpol and everything thinking he wasn't well or something.
But that's just been once, that bad. Ex said he struggled to settle before but he did. He's been more clingy recently though, which is great as I'll be going back to work soon.

Did you separate when she was younger though @blueluce85?

That's what I worry if seems like @Soontobe60. I want him to have a good relationship with his dad and he's generally always settled ok for him before. Something is unsettling him though and it's not that it's a different house, because Ex has stayed in the family home and I'm at my mums (although that's changing this weekend).
Ex sticks to his routines and stuff too, well he tells me he does. So I don't think it's that.

I'd keep trying 1 night a week. Would ex consider co sleeping when DC wakes at 11ish

Perhaps dc feels ex panic when he wont settle?

At this age it's still fairly common for bfed babies to be fed at night. My dd wouldnt have taken milk from anyone else for that late night feed either. Why not suggest a 2 month break and then begin trying again. If he knows it's only temporary it will reassure him that you are beong reasonable.

It will get easier as he gets older.

It's totally sexist saying all babies generally wants are their mothers.

Not it's not you muppet! The biological imperative is hugely strong in babies under a year old - it's a basic survival instinct, to be near the person who you're with everyday who provides comfort and food. Not sexist just boring old biology and evolution.

Why do you think a court would order overnights at 9 months old? They almost certainly wouldn't. He's too young.

You and your ex sound like you are co-parenting brilliantly. The fact that he bought him home shows your ex has ypur ds best interests at heart; he sounds like a caring, loving dad. 9 months in a tricky age and prime separation anxiety time. Try again in a couple of months but make sure you keep facilitating access so that their bond gets stronger.

Because he takes a bottle fine (usually) @CodenameVillanelle and his dad has looked after him on evenings/overnight when we were together.

Could you put a mattress in DS's bedroom and have ex sleep over once a week? You could wear ear plugs and have a good sleep or go out for the night

Hmm, we're trying @Whatsername7. But we really aren't getting on very well, it's all still very raw and uncomfortable.
Until he brought him back and Ds was obviously upset, I thought ex was just saying he'd been unsettled to make me feel guilty about the split.

He's seeing Ds here for bath/bedtime, because he has to. But it's not particularly easy, just have to suck it up for Ds though and hopefully it gets easier in time.

Nope, definitely no sleep overs @CodenameVillanelle. I don't want to start that and we really don't get on well enough either. I'm pregnant too and already know he'll try for that when the baby is born and other than potentially the first few nights, I really don't want to get into that.

It will never be as tough as it is right now - but, you are both putting your child first. You should feel proud. I hope things settle for you soon.

It's totally sexist saying all babies generally wants are their mothers.

Christ 🙈 it may be "sexist" but it's the truth. Biology overides political correctness on this one!

I would give it a few weeks/months and try again OP. Nine months is generally when separation anxiety kicks in and, despite what some posters say, your DS probably only wants you right now.

Your ex sees DS regularly that's what's important, they are building a solid bond. There's plenty of time for overnights but right now it's not in your sons best interests so personally I would stop them for now.