AIBU to say no to over night contact for baby?

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Ds's dad aren't together anymore at the moment the plan was for him to see him two nights through the week (not staying over) and one day/night at the weekend. ExDp has said Ds was unsettled when he had him overnight the other weekend and he's been off work this week so tried him overnight last night but had to bring him home to me as he was upset and wouldn't settle/take his bottle.
Ds isn't one till October and he's breastfed but does happily (usually) take expressed milk from a bottle and he eats well.

ExDp isn't kicking up a fuss to me saying no more overnights so it's not like that. I'm aware if he went to court he'd get them though, but for now he's happy to go with what I think is best.

But I feel like it's bad saying he can't, but at the same time I don't feel it's the best thing for Ds.
One of my mum friends said I should preserve though or he'll never get used to it and that I'm being unfair on Ex

I wonder if it might be worth digging out some online info about separation anxiety at DS's age to show ex in a sort of 'ah, this might be what's going on' way? Would save you having to be the one to say 'no overnights' if the two of you come to the conclusion together that it's best to let DS get through this phase before you try again

it's a basic survival instinct, to be near the person who you're with everyday who provides comfort and food.
And that person could be either mother OR father.

it's a basic survival instinct, to be near the person who you're with everyday who provides comfort and food.

And that person could be either mother OR father.

this again

Please go and read up on evolutionary psychology and cognitive developmental neuroscience and then come back and ague that infant mammals arent pre programmed to form the strongest bond with their mothers. It’s science.

Yes yes yes father’s can be primary care givers yada yada but evolution and biology has designed it that infant human mammals form their primary bond with their mothers there is mountains of evidence to support this even though MN likes to call it sexist/1950s/anti feminist or whatever

Another way of looking at it is to think about if you were together: If my DH went in to our crying baby and she/he clearly wanted me or was crying for the comfort of a breatsfeed Dh would come and get me. It hasnt affected his bond or relationship with the children even though i was the one who did night feeds. (He helped in other ways but they all wanted me for feeding at 9 months)

OP I think your baby is too young. They are communicating that in the only way they know.

Tell your ex that in your baby’s best interests you need to give it a few months and then try again when he’s a little older

Your ex sounds absolutely lovely op!

Was it just a bad night, could you try overnight again? Once the new baby comes long you will need support so in your shoes I would try again. And I say that as someone who has children just 10 months apart.

That's true @Sunshine93. He would sometimes have to bring him to me if he wouldn't take the bottle. I'm hoping it's just his age and he's maybe sensing things are a bit different so it's making him feel unsettled. Ex has agreed we'll leave overnights for now. He'll take him for the day Saturday and bring him home for bed.

Your ex sounds absolutely lovely op!

Hmm, no he's not really @Myheartbelongsto. He's a good dad though and for the most part he seems to be putting his feelings towards me aside for Ds's sake.

I would leave it for a few months then try again, it most likely is separation anxiety, and 8 months is a little young for over nights imo

I think it's most likely separation anxiety too @Queenofthestress. I've sent ex some info on that as another poster suggested. Like I said he's very much "well what do you think is best" at the moment. But then I'll get the odd dig that he's missing out because I've ended things or if Ds is like this and in his words "doesn't like him" the new baby will be worse because he's never lived with her.

He wants to make me feel guilty and bad for him but when it comes to it he wants what's best for Ds. That's why I wanted to check if I was being unreasonable or not from people who aren't personally involved.

Two evenings to come see him for a hour and then do bath and bed time. Then a full weekend day from 10am-6:30, then bath him and put him to bed at home. That seems reasonably fair, doesn't it?
Ex can't do longer through the week due to work anyway and he sometimes finishes earlier on Friday and when he does he's going to come to take Ds swimming. He's missing through the night and first thing in the morning, but for right now I think this way is going to work best.

He's offered if I want to go out he'll stay at mine until I'm back home, although I'm not sure on that. Might be a good way to ease into him having Ds overnight. I'm not drinking anyway so if I do go out I'll be driving and could come home if needed.