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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be the one to move out?

27 replies

whattodoandhow · 11/07/2019 15:36

I recently asked my H of 9 years to move out for a trial seperation (it's been coming a long time), neither of us are happy and it's resulting in a lot of arguments and a very hostile atmosphere which isnt good for DS who is 14mo or my MH. I earn a lot more than him so generally pay all the bills and the mortgage and he pays for DS nursery (2 days) and food shopping. To cut a long story short he has refused saying that he has nowhere to go (he has his parents although that would inconvenience him for getting to work and make his commute longer). In order for me to sort things out properly and make a decision I really need this break so I am taking DS to my parents house, but this isn't fair on my parents long term, not to mention disrupts DS routine. He can't afford to keep the house whereas if needed I can and if pushed and we split up I will be able to buy out his share, AIBU to think that it would be easier if he was the one to leave?

OP posts:
bringthethunder · 11/07/2019 15:44

If its jointly owned then he has as much right legally to be there as you do. Some might say that as you are the one enforcing the break, he has the moral ground also but that's open to interpretation (I don't think its acceptable to ask H of 9 years to just get out and expect him to politely pack a bag and say cheerio without any arguments...)

If you want him out, you will need to visit a solicitor and get the ball rolling on buying out his share. If you cannot tolerate being around him in the meantime you will need to find other accommodation until the solicitor resolves things.

If he opts to remain in the home I would be ensuring he was paying at least 50% of mortgage/utilities though. He can't just have you keep him whilst you also pay for somewhere else!

Scorpiovenus · 11/07/2019 15:58

Got to ask

If its a long time coming why did you have a child ?

TeaForTheWin · 11/07/2019 16:02

Wouldn't be a trial for me anymore for me then. I'd be telling him it was over.

And - that I'd taken my name off all the household bills so if he wants to stay, it's all on him from now on. 'I've left the paperwork on the side-unit so you can call all the companies and take over the bills, cheerio' xD Bet that'll soon shift him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2019 16:03

YABU. You’re the one who wants to split, whomever moved out would be inconvenienced, and you think that he should be denied living with his child AND his home while you make up your mind?

HennyPennyHorror · 11/07/2019 16:09

If you both own, then he has as much right as you do to the house. YABU because you're the one who wants to split up.

Treaclesweet · 11/07/2019 16:13

@Scorpiovenus

You don't really have to ask do you. If someone posts about their mental health maybe you should just keep your pointless bitchy comments to yourself?

Divebar · 11/07/2019 16:15

You pay the bills and therefore you call the shots. Is that how it works?

Original poster
whattodoandhow · 11/07/2019 16:19

@Scorpiovenus when I say a long time I mean about a year, after DS was born it was like he didnt care and just wanted to carry on as if we didn't have a baby! Mon-Fri he doesn't get home till after DS is in bed despite the fact he could easily do so, and on weekends he does everything he can to get out of caring for him such as trying to palm him off on MIL or my parents.
I do all the housework and bedtime routines etc despite also working full time.
I get that he also joint owns the house but I'm the one paying the mortgage and all the bills, and by me moving out it's also disrupting DS. (Since I can't leave DS with him).
I have booked a solicitor appointment to get some advice on my options but if I am going to get somewhere new I can't afford that as well as the house which he is living in and he can't afford the house himself at all.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 11/07/2019 16:21

You pay the bills and therefore you call the shots. Is that how it works?

Shouldn't it be?
Seems fair to me that if you are the one paying for the house then you should be the one that gets to live in it.

Drpeppered · 11/07/2019 16:22

If he has no where to go, then he has no where to go

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2019 16:25

You’re married so you have equal claim to the house no matter who pays the mortgage. He sounds useless but you can’t kick him out.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 11/07/2019 16:28

The person with main caring responsibility for the child should remain in the house.

If he wants to stay in the house he can do so with DS.

DerelictWreck · 11/07/2019 16:46

*You pay the bills and therefore you call the shots. Is that how it works?

Shouldn't it be?
Seems fair to me that if you are the one paying for the house then you should be the one that gets to live in it.*

But then he pays nursery bills so does he get to keep the child?

BMW6 · 11/07/2019 16:50

Well if he can't afford to pay the mortgage and bills on the house if you move out what does he think will happen when the arrears pile up?

HennyPennyHorror · 12/07/2019 01:40

He's probably in shock still. My friend recently left her husband and again, he wouldn't be able to pay for the house but didn't want to leave.

It's denial. She's booked someone to come round and value it. One step at a time OP.

HennyPennyHorror · 12/07/2019 01:41

But I should add...she was the one to move out as soon as she knew she wanted to split. She's staying in a friend's empty house. The kids are at home but come to hers when they want...so far that's 4 nights a week.

Blondebakingmumma · 12/07/2019 02:03

I think the child needs to stay in the house. Forget trial separation, see your solicitor to start the divorce and buying him out. Maybe make it clear to him it’s over. He should have been thinking about his child’s needs to stay in the house house not selfishly about his commute

Ijustdontcare · 12/07/2019 03:00

@teaforthewin
You pay the bills and therefore you call the shots. Is that how it works?

Shouldn't it be?
Seems fair to me that if you are the one paying for the house then you should be the one that gets to live in it.

Would you be saying the same if it was a SAHM who was being asked to leave by her DH who earned all the money? In the real world its never so simple

Pleasebeafleabite · 12/07/2019 06:21

House is a joint asset

He has a right to live there until marital assets are split legally

If you move out it will still be joint mortgage and you will both be liable for arrears unless he agrees to sell or you buy him out

He will probably be legally advised to sit tight for a better deal

Let it sink in for him as advised above and take advice from your solicitor

AnnaDine · 12/07/2019 06:29

Can’t you agree to DS staying at the home and split who stays to care for DS? Presumably if you do split up this will help custody considerations?

KatherineJaneway · 12/07/2019 06:43

Doesn't work that way. If you want him out you need to go to a solicitors asap and start the ball rolling - which you are doing.

Where he lives will not be your concern. Sounds like he works so he'll need to move in with his parents or rent for a while.

Vulpine · 12/07/2019 06:45

I'd be pretty pissed off if my dh did thst to me

Cyrusc · 12/07/2019 06:52

Of course he should leave. OP pays all the bills, does all the housework AND does all the childcare. He's being a selfish twat. It's not the same as a SAHM being kicked out by a husband who pays for everything but because OP does everything with their DS too.

I think this is another reason to end the relationship OP. If he wanted to salvage things and prove he wasn't a dick he would move out to his parents and give you some time. He doesn't care about the upset to your child's routine he just doesn't want to put himself out.

maddening · 12/07/2019 07:02

Yanbu but as pp say nothing you can do but start legal proceedings, his behaviour would have resolved my feelings on leaving him also, he has shown his colours!

thespicegirlsplatformshoes · 12/07/2019 07:12

Would you be saying the same if it was a SAHM who was being asked to leave by her DH who earned all the money? In the real world its never so simple

She does the childcare too, and has had to take the child with her. Which is the scenario you're describing, but she's also paying for her dh to remain in the house.

I'd tell him I'm not paying towards anything until he leaves. See your solicitor and file for divorce.

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