Should I confront my bully?

[Unusualusernames]

To cut a long story short I have been very badly bullied in the workplace for the last three weeks. I am new and the person I am taking over from has behaved appallingly towards me. I've had to suck up her refusing to show me essential parts of the job, putting me down in front of colleagues (to the point where one of them actually defended me) and deliberating trying to isolate me (which hasn't worked because my new colleagues are all really nice).

She is leaving this week and I feel like I want to confront her about her behaviour to give me some kind of closure because the experience has been so traumatic. I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not? I feel like a wimp not confronting her but I've been so desperate not to make her even more angry with me I've dealt with it by pretending I'm oblivious. It's been tough.

Please don't flame me, these past few weeks have been really hard and I'm feeling very sensitive.

I would also make a list of aspects of the job that she still hasn't shown to you. Email her, ccing your line manager, saying that you've noted there are still some aspects of the handover that are incomplete and could you both make some time together to ensure they are done. That way, even if she leaves you in the lurch, it's on record that you tried to address this

That’s an excellent suggestion from 2cats2many

I would organise a lunch out or drinks with your new colleagues as a sort of ‘hello’ party. You may or may not wish to organise this in front of her.......

Definitely go with 2cats's suggestion. A month transition period suggests that there's a lot of detailed/technical stuff she should be training you on and it won't reflect well on you if you haven't at least tried to address it whilst she was still here.

Yeah as others have said...be nice, smile, ignore. Don’t confront, as she may relish an emotional reaction from you. Don’t say bye. Enjoy your new job and thank god she’s leaving.

I had a similar situation in which the person showing me the job wasn't leaving. I had been taken on in the same role as her and was getting a bit more money which she knew about. Not my fault but at least I understood why.
If I asked 'Am I doing this right?' she would just say 'No'. If I said 'What do I do next?' she told me the next step and nothing else.

In the end I always asked 'Can you show me all the steps to do xxx please?' and then write down her answers. Then the first opportunity I got I praised her to the boss - 'XX has been really helpful with this and made it really clear'. I also tried to say something nice to her every day. Sometimes it was hard. The most effective were telling her how she made it look easy and, when she had been forced into showing me properly, how good she was at training.

She came round eventually and we became quite friendly but I would never say we were friends. Kill her with kindness - when she is horrible and bullying in return it makes her look even worse.

Sending you hugs. What a stressful situation for you. I hope you are holding up OK? Since the person is leaving this week, I agree with the others that there is no point in confronting the person - I think it will only add to the stress, especially if they react in a nasty way. I'm really glad to hear that your other colleagues have been nice to you - things should improve dramatically once the person has left and you can start to enjoy your new job. xx

I would talk to your line manager and ask if there are parts to the training you missed. Say quite clearly that the handover has been difficult because the handover person has not been behaving professionally. That said your colleagues seem great and you look forward to just being able to get on with the job.

I often believe in killing with kindness, but 'thank you for leaving, I think I will really enjoy working here' made me laugh and I'd go with that. And one of those number head tilts with tinkly laugh.

mumsnet not number

I think you should calmly pull her up on being unprofessional and tell her how it has made you feel

Be direct and don't let her draw into argument

why is she leaving OP ?

I witnessed a similar situation when someone who worked at our very small company made the decision to leave, she had always been really pleasant & had been with us for many years but when training her replacement she was extremely mean to her & made her out to be stupid (she isn't) - seemed she was jealous of her new replacement & wanted her to never fit in or do the job as she had been

I had this. Oddly, the woman zoned in on the fact I was single and used to begin every sentence with, 'as a respectable married woman...' anyway I was genuinely so pleased to see her go that I was beaming from ear to ear and waving animatedly as she walked away. She was fuming 😂

I was trained by the person who had temped in my job for 8 months. We both went for it and I (the external candidate) got the job. What a smack in the face. She was very passive aggressively nasty towards me and kept trying to make me feel stupid. However, I just counted down the days til she left and told myself that she couldn’t be that great if she couldn’t even get her own job 😂

I would do it, Because if I didn’t I’d get the rage everytime I remembered it.

Also complain to your line manager. She sounds awful, I’ve worked with people like this before. Bitter arseholes

I would take a big cake in on the last day and have a big smile all day

The best revenge is a life well life. Ignore her and move on to more inter things...

Lived, ffs

Kill her with kindness. It makes you look brilliant and it'll show up her bad behaviour by contrast.

I agree with emailing your manager about the aspects of the training you haven't had - get this on record now.

She wants a reaction from you - don't give her the satisfaction.

If it was me I would simply ignore her behaviour, when I say simply I actually mean trying desperately to hide my nominal inclination to let loose hell and the gods of war.

To put it simply the bitch is almost gone and then she is dead to you. Where as you need to continue to build good relations with all your new colleagues who have seen you prove yourself to be a decent polite hard working eager person who pushes on in the face of adversity. I think they will know what a bitch this outgoing woman is.
In this case adversity being a person who if you saw burning at the road side you would go searching for marshmallows to toast on the flames.

Play the long game and good luck with the job.

Yes yes to emailing your boss and her. Also, to being overly kind.
I had a similar situation, outgoing person was leaving as her family were moving and work would not let her work remotely.
I bought her a pen and matching pencil and a thank you card. Inside I put Thanks for the handover, I hope the next hand over you get is the same as you gave me.
I was happy with that, specially as the pen set was a regift where the pen didn't really work.

Why is she leaving?

I took over from a lady who was retiring. From the minute she knew I had the job she didn't speak to me unless she had to. No real handover. Just her back to the door and a 'talk to the hand' gesture if I went in the office! I didn't go to her leaving do, just let it go and we all breathed a sigh of relief and laughed after she went. It really wasn't worth it. And I felt better for not going there tbh x

Don't bother confronting the person, if she was reasonable / likely to take things on board she wouldn't have behaved as she has.

I would however before she goes notify your boss of things she has refused to train you on.

Agree with everyone else, especially with covering yourself with regards to the areas she’s refusing to hand over properly...

Thank you SO much everyone. I went with the majority and didn't confront her and I feel ok about that. I said good luck but I didn't thank her and I'm pleased with myself for that because i find it very hard not to be polite.

Your words were so comforting this week. She completely ramped up her bullying campaign after I wrote this and the week has been tough to say the least. I find it really confusing because I can't imagine ever behaving like that.

At one point she was so aggressive to me I went into the stationary cupboard and cried. I'm hoping I can laugh about it one day.

The icing on the case was her flinging random bits of paper at me from 2106 from her very messy drawer then saying oh I hope you don't mind I've left a few things in there you can throw away. I later opened the draw to find a load of dirty old rags and five of her used asthma pumps.

To those asking she's left to start a new life with her rich boyfriend on the other side of the country so she won't be working.

There is no HR sadly because it's a tiny company which also made it nigh on impossible to highlight what she hasn't done ( I also didn't have any time because she had given me a shit ton of work).

I'm kind of dreading Monday because I now haven't got a clue what I'm doing but like I say to my daughter, you can only try your best.

Well done OP. I’m really sorry to hear that she became even worse towards you. She sounds so awful, so bloody nasty.

Best of luck in your new job, I bet before long it will all come tumbling out just how awful she was and how everyone couldn’t stand her.