To be worrying about my child's school place

[minesapinkgin]

My child is 4 and has attended the school nursery of the school where he has been offered a place for reception since April time. We moved areas hence why he only recently started.

I was originally happy about this as the school is walking distance which is something I had always wanted.

However, having now experienced this school for a couple of months I am now panicking that I have not made the right decision for reception.

It's not the school per se, although with the exception of a brief chat with the teacher I have no idea how he's getting on or whether they have any concerns. It is however, the parents of the children that is making me question his place. Parents smoking literally right outside the school gates. I overheard one parent talking about getting the termination pill in the playground! This is not what I want for my child.

I will be calling the local council to see what I can do but the other school we liked we'd have to drive to.

Would you be concerned by this? Or AIBU?

x2boys The gate is positioned in a way that the parents are on school property. To be honest, I think she’d have a word regardless. She tackles bad parking and other selfish behaviour. Obviously parents can choose to carry on being twatish but not smoking by a school gate isn’t exactly asking much is it.

I don't disagree user but some parents carry on smoking outside of school gates regardless ,obviously if parents are smoking on school property the head teacher can ban it ,if it's just outside of school property than the head teacher has no say regardless of how bad it looks .

When I was a mother of young children I point-blank asked my child's teacher if her little friend A was from the kind of home I would feel comfortable having my daughter visit, and vice versa

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Georgia girl I don't belive that for a second. It's more than a teachers jobs worth to discuss other family's with you.

They may not care that they are setting bad examples to their children but I don't want my child to be around that.

Maybe you don’t know, but it’s the kids who go to the school, not the parents.

Wow i’m shocked at this thread, I always thought of Mumsnet open minded, everyone is equal, PC correct and yet this thread is such a look down your nose, snobs, out dated way of thinking. You will never be able to control who goes to your child’s school. Wait until they go to secondary school another whole new ball game, my daughter goes to a very good school but the children come from all sorts of backgrounds, what a terrible attitude of contempt towards other parents.

I don't think smoking outside the school gate is very classy but it happens.

But what's wrong with getting the morning after pill? Better than having an unwanted baby is it not?

I am quite surprised at the number of people who declare that their DC have to mix with children and families from all backgrounds.
I don't want my children to be friends with children from families I would not consider acceptable as my own friends. This includes both nouveau riche thickos and drug addicts / petty criminals from the local sink estate.

OP I can see your point. I have never seen any parent smoking at the school gate. It doesn't sound like the demographic of the school matches what you want. I wouldn't want to mix with individuals who thought it was OK to smoke outside school near kids, these are the parents of kids you would be sending them off to play with, I would be wondering whether they thought it was ok to smoke in their homes with kids present. I would also be a bit shocked at people discussing terminations in a primary school playground.

But are these the majority of parents or do most seem more your type? I get that you have just picked out a couple of points, are these just generally not your tribe? and not a tribe you want your child to be part of?

@Lifeover this is my point exactly. I want to ensure that my child mixes with children that I believe are being brought up with decent morals/work ethic etc. I wouldn't associate with these parents as friends before children so I wouldn't want my child to.

I had thought they were the minority however I am starting to think they are the majority.

You will never be able to control who goes to your child’s school.

And yet I’d wager that a big part of the house price uplift in catchment of schools in better (or just wealthier?) neighbourhoods is just that - people like us. Sometimes rationally, sometimes irrationally.

If (big if) a kid whose mum smokes outside the school gates is less likely to be socialised, sleep well and be fed breakfast, I don’t want them near my DC because I believe that her education will be disadvantaged by the resultant behaviour. The issue isn’t smoking. The issue is smoking as an exemplar of a whole “lifestyle” ( to be euphemistic) that a lot of people would like to avoid, and to keep their kids away from.

Just for clarity, I don't have any issues with terminations / abortions etc. at all. I am pro choice.

But I would expect people to have a bit of decency and not be practically shouting about it in the school playground for anyone to hear. Children don't need to hear that.

You are such a snob op. I went to a school which was bang in the middle of one of the roughest council estates in my city. My best friend’s dad was in prison for armed robbery. Everyone smoked and swore and wore their troubles on their faces and in their language. There was some terrible parenting and domestic violence. I went to friends’ houses and saw the deprivation they lived in. There were also strong allegiances, a great sense of community, zero snobbishness, zero pushy parenting, zero judging. It was the most important part of my overall education - seeing the real world within the safe confines of childhood and realising that people are just people, regardless of how much luck they have in the lottery of birth.

Stop trying to segregate your child from the real world. It will be in their best interests to be able to communicate with every kind of person regardless of creed, background or class. I went on to be a lawyer (yes, from what you would categorise as a shit school not suitable for your precious child - lots of us did really well) and my best skill by far was communicating with clients. Whether they were rich as fuck or stony broke, I could communicate on their level without judging because I had been brought up around all manner of people. Not judging them, not looking down on them, just existing. Normal jobs require that skill , but so do doctors, scientists, nurses, teachers, all the professions. No good knowing shitloads of stuff if you can’t actually communicate with the people who use your services.

With you as a mum, with your snobbish views and your desire for class segregation, your child would really benefit from a good dose of real life. If only for that reason, I’d keep him at the current school.

Some of the attitudes on this thread thread are disgusting as I said ,my nephews very nice middle class school ( incidentally my old school) has just been placed placed in special measures down graded from outstanding ,I read the report it was very damning everything from bullying to poor teaching but hey it's had it's outstanding banner since 2011 I doubt it's declined suddenly I expect it's been in decline for quite some time but until April it was outstanding in paper at least .

I guess my wobble has stemmed from him asking if he could go and play at a friends house (not that he'd been invited) and I just thought to myself no thanks

You think you are better than them, but are raising your son to judge people based on their social standing? I know who’s kid I’d rather invite to my house.

I think the demographic of the school needs to be split from school attainment. People keep saying a rough school can have good academic attainment and vice versa but I guess most of us want our kids to have friends with similar ethics, outlook etc to that we value. It simply sounds like the op doesn’t feel that the demographics would be a good fit to what she values for her child.

It’s does seem an unpopular opinion on mumsnet to valuing mixing primarily with people with similar backgrounds, education, income, culture etc but a lot of people do want to mix with similar people to themselves, there’s nothing wrong with this, in fact it’s the way the human race has existed for 1000s of years.

Lifeover, what a boring, narrow existence you must lead. For thousands of years we were conquerors, racists, sexists, bigots, legislators against homosexuality, I could go on. History is what we learn from, not what we aspire to.

As much as people go on about mixing, you tend to see tribes where people align with similar people in any sort of group or institution. I went to a shit school and it really did me no favours at all. Lessons were disrupted, kids didn’t want to learn etc. I was lucky because I was naturally bright and did well despite the school being quite crap. It was very different in sixth form once most of the troublemakers has gone and everyone there wanted to learn. I’d do anything to avoid a disrupted environment for my kids.

Whilst it might be human nature to graduate towards your tribe, it’s vital for kids to experience life outside it.

One thing I noticed when my son started primary school was the sheer amount of movement there was between schools. Every year there's been at least one leaver and one new entry. It seems to settle down at KS2, but my point is you're not making irreversible decisions here. If, after the first few weeks, you don't feel that he's in the right place, get him on the list for somewhere else. The chances are a place will come up eventually.

Op, focus on the school itself and not a small amount of parents. Is the school a good school? Are the teachers nice and approachable? Remember there will be 30 in a class, our school has 60 in the year group (so two classes of 30). So that's 60 sets of parents...all different people. Some you will get on with and some you won't. If you still have bad vibes about the school arrange to visit a couple of other schools in the area and see how they feel to you. If there is a place at the other school you might be able to do an in-year application (call the council) or alternatively put your dc's name down on the waiting list (places sometimes come up over the summer, people move etc...). I think though, you'll find a mix of different parents in all schools , the key here is the school itself.

They may not care that they are setting bad examples to their children but I don't want my child to be around that.

Your being daft OP. You cant shield your child from everything you find a bad example or unsuitable at some point in their lives they will become independent of you with the free will to make their own choices. By exposing them to these things and teaching them about making informed choices, differing opinions and priorities you will prepare them for making wise choices when their older.
Wrapping them in cotton wool and shielding them from everything will not prepare them well for when they older and in the big bad world.

The only schools that have vacancies for September at this stage will be the unpopular ones, and you can be sure that they will be unpopular for a reason.

What’s the actual school like. Not the parents? What are the kids like when I’m school how do they treat the teachers? How do the teachers treat the children. This is what matters. Surely you did that research before you put his name down for the reception class. Have you been to a meet the teacher for next year?

I worked in a school in what was described by ofsted as one of the most deprived areas in the County. Our parents regularly smoked and swore outside the gate. But every single one of them wanted their child to do well. Every single one of them was there for their child. Most of them worked part time nmw jobs but they did their best. They supported the school 100% regarding attendance homework and behaviour. Most lived in social housing or private landlord and some of the private landlord properties should in my opinion have been condemned. But nicer more polite kids eager to learn and so repectful you couldn’t meet. They would hold doors for you. they all said please and thank you.

Just give the school time. There is lots of movement in the first term or two of reception. But make sure you are moving for a better education environment and not for “better parents!”