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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was 'friend's' way of not seeing me

42 replies

OstrichRunning · 10/07/2019 16:31

To keep it short, I recently moved back to my home town where an old friend still lives. Friendship has a long, complex history - close as children, lost touch when went to different secondary schools, friends in twenties again then drifted apart slowly (she had kids young, I went travelling). In the past, I found her frequently unreliable - pulling out of plans at last minute etc. I was also really disappointed in the lack of support she gave when both my parents died. She couldn't even look me in the eye, it was strange and hurtful. I think we mutually have wanted to pull away in recent years (I don't understand her reasons as she never explained but they may well be reasonable), so for a while it's been polite acquaintance territory. Which is fine, except that when I moved home she visited with her (older) kids and was v friendly, and suggested a play date in her house. Tbh I miss her and despite everything was glad at this apparent attempt at friendliness. But playdate never materialised. And both times I since texted her (over a period of months, I'm not hounding her Grin) asking if she wanted to meet in park/ playground with kids she gave a super long reply involving all sorts of sacrifices/ difficulties on her part, but basically saying no (i.e. ill child, helping out a neighbour etc), but without suggesting an alternative date. Then when I bumped into her in town one day, she brought it up, and said the best thing for her would be if we didn't make a plan but instead I called into her some day - as in uninvited, unplanned. Which makes no sense to me because surely if she can't manage a planned meet up, an unplanned one would be a lot less likely to work?!

So my AIBU is - aibu to conclude she doesn't want to see me but doesn't want to say as much? Which is her call obv but I prefer to know where I stand. We haven't been in contact since we bumped into each other.

That wasn't short at all, sorry!

OP posts:
Original poster
OstrichRunning · 10/07/2019 18:53

bump!

OP posts:
Jojobears · 10/07/2019 18:55

Honestly, just cut your losses and make new friends

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 18:55

YANBU. I’d leave it.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/07/2019 18:58

Yeah I'd ditch. This sounds like a non starter for whatever reason.

Caselgarcia · 10/07/2019 19:01

Why do you have to call in to see her? I would tell her to contact you to set up a suitable time when she is free.
Which she won't of course.

RavenLG · 10/07/2019 19:01

The only thing I can think of is she may have some form of anxiety and can’t deal with the “lead up” so to speak, to meeting up, but if you dropped by unannounced she would have to host you? I’ve often had to cancel plans due to my anxiety but I’m open with friends about this and they’re mostly understanding.
Perhaps do drop in and ask why she often cancels / can’t meet. If you want to carry on the friendship anyway, it sort of sounds like you do, there’s not much to lose if an argument breaks out, and it might give you answers? Weird situation though.

sonjadog · 10/07/2019 19:04

I wouldn't just stop by like that. Even if she isn't actually saying it out loud, she obviously isn't that interested in meeting up. I´d let it go.

StoneofDestiny · 10/07/2019 19:09

Bomb the 'friendship' and move on.

SandAndSea · 10/07/2019 19:12

Even if she meant it in the best way, this wouldn't work for me. I would leave it.

browzingss · 10/07/2019 19:19

If people want to see you, they will make time for you.

timeandtimeagain42 · 10/07/2019 19:21

Yep, let it go.... there are plenty of people who want friends and are MUCH less hard work than this.

Wereeaglesdare · 10/07/2019 19:22

I agree with the anxiety thing, I often rearrange plans but I will see the person once I have rearranged. Sometimes I too wish things could be spontaneous. Maybe just drop in on her the once with some cakes or whatever have a cuppa and then build up to a walk to the park or a play date. You never know it might surprise you how open she is to making plans when you are both together. If she makes some excuse I would just end the friendship. Atleast then you know you have tried.

TSSDNCOP · 10/07/2019 19:25

It's over. Move on.

Original poster
OstrichRunning · 10/07/2019 19:29

Thanks everyone. That all rings true. There may be a bit of anxiety going on but deep down I know if she wanted the friendship she would have explained this. For some reason, this friendship has a weird hold on me, I've felt hurt a few times in the past from her suddenly pulling out of stuff and I know from prior experience that asking about it even in what I at least felt was a friendly way - this only happened once, years ago - does not go down well. It's like she can't tolerate even the slightest suggestion of her acting less than perfectly. I know there's two sides to everything but it has been exhausting. It's because she's been there in some form forever for me I suppose that I find it difficult to admit it's over. But this has helped me see the writing on the wall.

OP posts:
Original poster
OstrichRunning · 10/07/2019 19:32

I like the calling in with buns idea but I can't risk it. I know there is a good chance of me coming out of that feeling terrible. Sad

OP posts:
timeandtimeagain42 · 10/07/2019 19:35

Don't know about anxiety, it could be.... in the other hand it's a really Clever way to get you to stop trying to arrange something. She knows that you probably won't drop in and if you do, the chances are she'll be out, busy or just about to rush off. But it works because if you ever tried to arrange something in advance the stock reply would be "oh no, just drop in!"
Sorry you're going through this, friendship issues don't hurt less as an adult do they?

Tara336 · 10/07/2019 19:37

It’s hard to let a long standing friendship go, but if she wanted to be Friends she would make the effort. I have a similar situation and have made my mind up to just not bother anymore. I’m sad as we’ve been friends a long time but I’m tired of the way she’s behaving (it’s not just me she’s doing it too) I deserve better, so do you

Original poster
OstrichRunning · 10/07/2019 19:42

Thanks Tara, you're right, I know.

Timeandtime, that's exactly it. It feels like the ball is uncomfortably in my court now and I look like the bad guy.

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 10/07/2019 19:42

I get overly worried when I have too much planned things in my diary. Or pretty much more than 1 thing a day. Spontaneous works for me.
Maybe you could text her on a day you are free to see if she is too. That's probably what she means anyway

ThePhoenixRises · 10/07/2019 19:59

The only thing I can think of is she may have some form of anxiety and can’t deal with the “lead up” so to speak, to meeting up, but if you dropped by unannounced she would have to host you?

That is what I do, the longer I have to think about doing something, I more time I have to talk myself out of it.

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 20:06

I used to be shocking at going through with things I promised like this. Mental health reasons too, not that I'm trying to excuse it. I'm better now I'm on medication. Might this be a reason your friend is unreliable ?

RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 20:06

It's crazy how many of us are the same. I used to think I was the only one

Montybojangles · 10/07/2019 20:37

I agree with possible anxiety or other MH issues. It can be a huge struggle to work yourself up to a planned event, giving you lots of time to think of reasons to back out to keep yourself isolated and “safe”. She has reached out to you by coming round, and by suggesting a solution to keep her from bottling it, so why not at least try. She may really need you as a friend right now. If it doesn’t work the first time then cut your losses, but I really think you should try it the way she suggests just once.

Original poster
OstrichRunning · 10/07/2019 20:40

Thanks. going to try surf's suggestion and text tomorrow asking if it suits to pop in after I pick up kids from cm. Think that's a good middle ground.

There is a past history of anxiety, maybe I have been taking things too personally. I still don't think that's the whole story though, but at least this way I'll have tried.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 11/07/2019 00:14

Honestly? She's over you. , She wants you as an acquaintance but nothing more sorry !