to think this was 'friend's' way of not seeing me

[OstrichRunning]

To keep it short, I recently moved back to my home town where an old friend still lives. Friendship has a long, complex history - close as children, lost touch when went to different secondary schools, friends in twenties again then drifted apart slowly (she had kids young, I went travelling). In the past, I found her frequently unreliable - pulling out of plans at last minute etc. I was also really disappointed in the lack of support she gave when both my parents died. She couldn't even look me in the eye, it was strange and hurtful. I think we mutually have wanted to pull away in recent years (I don't understand her reasons as she never explained but they may well be reasonable), so for a while it's been polite acquaintance territory. Which is fine, except that when I moved home she visited with her (older) kids and was v friendly, and suggested a play date in her house. Tbh I miss her and despite everything was glad at this apparent attempt at friendliness. But playdate never materialised. And both times I since texted her (over a period of months, I'm not hounding her ) asking if she wanted to meet in park/ playground with kids she gave a super long reply involving all sorts of sacrifices/ difficulties on her part, but basically saying no (i.e. ill child, helping out a neighbour etc), but without suggesting an alternative date. Then when I bumped into her in town one day, she brought it up, and said the best thing for her would be if we didn't make a plan but instead I called into her some day - as in uninvited, unplanned. Which makes no sense to me because surely if she can't manage a planned meet up, an unplanned one would be a lot less likely to work?!

So my AIBU is - aibu to conclude she doesn't want to see me but doesn't want to say as much? Which is her call obv but I prefer to know where I stand. We haven't been in contact since we bumped into each other.

That wasn't short at all, sorry!

Honestly? She sounds like a bit of a flake who can’t handle making actual plans. She might go for a coffee with you if she ‘ran into’ you, but she doesn’t care enough to organise it. I think if you don’t make the effort, neither will she - and you’ll be better off.

I can sort of explain from the other side...a woman I've known well for about 15 years through DH has DC similar to my children's age and has often reached out for playdates etc.

But it's always at the wrong time. She'll call and suggest a day and I'm always doing something...every single time. I realise now it seems like I've been putting her off....and that I could reach out to her...but the fact is that my DC are just a bit older than hers and aren't that interested in a playdate.

With my time at a premium, I'm reluctant to suggest a time that suits me....because I'm just not that bothered. I feel bad though.

I like the calling in with buns idea but I can't risk it. I know there is a good chance of me coming out of that feeling terrible.
I would do this. Text her and ask if she's home. Fancy a cuppa? See you in half an hour. If you get a poor reception and you do indeed leave feeling terrible, the uncertainty will be gone for you and you will have a friendship or be able to put this one to bed. Good luck.

Does seem like an anxiety or MH problem... she may not even be fully aware of it and just knows that in the past she hasn't turned people away who turn up.
Go with it I say.
But tred carefully, she seems oblivious to other people's emotional needs and could drop you all over again.

I would also interpret this as her avoiding the playdate. I wouldn't drop round, I'd just leave it.

Sounds like she has anxiety. You have a choice. To let things fizzle out or for you to do the work. Sometimes to keep up friendships it falls to the same person to make contact.

@RavenLG you have described me perfectly. I get very anxious when expected friends/guests but, after the initial surprise, am fine with unannounced drop-ins. It's difficult to be like this, there are people you long to see but (in my case) if arrangements are made then they are generally broken with pretty lame excuses.

OP drop in on her. Really! I understand just how she feels.

I have/had a friend exactly like this. She always cancelled on me, said she lost my phone number (total rubbish) she made every excuse in the book. My child would get really upset when play dates were cancelled at last minute. I’d bump into her in town, she’d promise she’d ring me, and never did. Anyway, I’ve had enough. Last time I bumped into her, she said she wasn’t sure of my number, and would I text her. I didn’t. And if I see her again I’ll ignore her as I’m fed up with her.

I know she wants to talk to me now as I’m having an interesting life, and I bet she’d like to know all about it. Tough. She can take a hike.

@poshtotty2 my friend does similar, has claimed for last few years her mobile is rubbish and never works (except when she wants it too), forgotten passwords to Facebook so can’t use messenger, doesn’t understand how wassap works, I’ve had the lot! I asked a mutual friend if they had heard from her and they said sporadically same as me. So I know it’s not me personally, but I’m tired of it and I’m not making an effort anymore. I lost two close relatives within weeks of each other recently and the only support I got was “how sad” yet if she’s needed me I’ve dropped everything to help. Friendship is important in life but also so is self esteem and this “friend” makes me feel like crap. She may well have anxiety or other issues but that’s affecting my well being so I’m putting myself first (wow that feels better to say out loud)

Sounds a lot like anxiety to me, can't cope with the planning or build up. I had a rather pushy friend who was always trying to pin me down to an arrangement, it made me feel very much under pressure.

She's suggested you just call in, so do it. If it goes well, you'll know she wants to be friends and you can work on how you keep in touch. If it doesn't, well, you'll know that too.

Thanks everyone. It's so interesting - the two different takes on it.

Well, I texted a few minutes ago suggesting I pop in after picking up kids at 1 and she just replied saying that would lovely! So thanks for that suggestion.

I am treading carefully though. The anxiety perspective has really helped me see this might not just be about me. BUT - and I hope this doesn't sound insensitive - I think it's possible for her to be suffering from anxiety AND ALSO be careless of my feelings. I don't think the anxiety completely gets someone off the hook from years of letting someone down. I have been really hurt by her in the past. But if this means the friendship might survive, even on a more superficial level than before, it might be worth it.

[happy]

that should have been

!

I hope it went well, and she didn't cancel at the last minute.

Thanks Mokoto, it went really well actually. Kids on both sides seemed had fun. Glad I texted and things seem to be on good terms. In a way, it's quite superficially friendly between us but I suppose that's fine and better than losing touch altogether, as long as we both want even that. Still find her hard to read. Will leave it now until I hear from her again.

Good, when did things get so complicated?!

Glad to hear it. Maybe this will have to be how your relationship works. At least you have some understanding of maybe why she's been like this, and can proceed in a way that you're comfortable with.

Yeah. Good old mumsnet, I'd never have sent that text if I hadn't started this thread.