To ask what makes a good mum?

[Ivestoppedreadingthenews]

I was chatting to some friends with similar age small kids today and we were all feeling a bit rubbish. So many of us are wrestling with our desire to reach perfection for our children and failing (obviously) at that. Maybe if we had more achievable goals we would realise we weren't doing such a bad job... I certainly think my friends are doing a good job but they don't think they are.

What would you say makes a good mum to a baby, a preschooler, a primary school aged child, a teenager, an adult?

At all ages, listen. Properly listen. Take their emotions seriously, without overreacting.

Quality time. Meeting emotional needs. Teaching resilience and coping skills. Managing expectations.

No oneever said "I had the most fantastic childhood because you gave me an Xbox or forcefed me falafalel burgers" ... but they will say "Do you remember when we up turned the table and made a boat or when we were at the circus and we ate candyfloss with our fingers"

To just be with them, listen to them and above all make them feel loved. I’m really close to my dad, I know you said mum in your op but I feel it’s similar. When I was young he would always make the time for a bedtime story, no matter what time he got in from work. He would really listen to my interests and then spend time doing those things with me, if it was treasure hunting with the metal detector or making up marble games. I think you need to make them feel secure and that they matter. I hope it have the same relationship with my Dd as I did my dad.

Oh god Anychance I just welled up at that. What a lovely feeling.

I once read you only need to be four things: warm, funny, responsive and consistent.

Let them know they are loved.

Always having their best interests at heart when you make decisions, even if it's not what you would do instinctively and realise you will make mistakes.

I genuinely believe we have the hardest job in the world. I never know from one day to the next whether I've done right by my children and it it's something I feel guilty for every day.

If you're teary today... DON'T READ THIS...

herviewfromhome.com/motherhood-did-i-love-you-enough-today/

Years ago when I was at uni studying psychology their was a hierarchy of needs. I can’t remember whose work it was, but love was pretty low on the list which always surprised me. Obviously to be a good parent you need to meet the basic needs of the child which means food, water, shelter. But I would consider love to also be a basic need but according to this psychologist it wasn’t. I will see if I can dig it out!

For me it's the memories. Days out at the beach or cinema. Holidays and exploring new things. Going the extra mile too.

Saw a post on Facebook today which said

"if you worry about how to be a good mum then you already are one"

Think that sums it up

Sadly I think part of being a good mum is thinking you are not. That's what I tell myself anyway!!

@Bellatrix exactly my point but you made it better.

Respect them. Remember they're people with autonomy, and not your property. Assume the best of them, and believe they're able to live up to it. Be proud of what they do, and take an interest in it. You brought them into this world, so show them how glad you are that they're here to share it with you.

For me I want to recreate what I remember from my childhood as being good.

I remember my mum always being there, at parents evenings, sports days, concerts whatever it was she was there. She might not have been at the front but she was there cheering me on or sitting there being silently proud. It didn't matter if it was a school event or for my hobbies she was there.

I always felt loved and wanted, and felt she was proud of me. I want that for my DD.

I know my parents love me, but I felt like they never really listened to me or wanted to hear how I felt. For example, they didn't want to hear my side of the story if me and my siblings fell out, it was always "your both as bad as each other" and then they'd walk away not hearing what we wanted to say about the matter. They say they'd "do anything for me" but I feel emotionally distant from them.

There's probably a whole lot more that goes towards this, but not being listened to and understood really is a big factor. I think if I had that, then we could probably work out the rest and be a lot closer.

For my children I want them to feel like I can handle their emotions, especially when they are mad or upset. That they can talk to me and I will listen and try to really understand their side of things.

Kids fed,happy,loved and alive.

I have seriously low standards.

Wynter what you said resonates with me. I have parents who made big claims about loving me and being willing to do anything for me. But it seem to be anything except what I asked for.

I think being a good parent is listening and responding to your child and reviewing what you’re doing and how it’s working. Every parent makes mistakes but few parents have the insight to recognise them and alter their behaviour going forward. All of that is pretty hard work but parenting is hard work. There are no short cuts.

These are the things I think are important:-

*love and affection - child should always know they are loved
*emotional consistency - no dramatic outbursts, phases of loving and resenting the child, bad temper etc
*providing stability - a child should know what’s what and who is who in their home
*teaching morals and behaviour properly
*teaching about health and fitness properly
*educating the child, or ensuring they are educated
*being forgiving
*being open-minded because they won’t always do what you want them to do

If I get all that in, I’m happy.

Expressing love. Being their champion. Listening to them. Being patient. Not taking out your stress or bad days on them. Setting a good example. Teaching them about compassion and empathy. Being consistent.

Putting them first, doing what is best for their future, not your career see this a lot. Not making them come second to your idea of what family life should be like. Investing in their future, not necessarily financially. Being there for them when they need you, not them having to fit into your schedule.
Generally, putting your kids above everything else. They are soon grown up and gone, then you can live how you want, do what you want and live life how you want.

I give lots of cuddles, watch for when they are feeling down and encourage lots of questions - would much rather they asked me anything than go on the internet etc can be very embarrassing for

We try to do things as a family when we can - but don’t let them think everything revolves around them

What Wynteriscoming says also resonates with me. My mother has always made big claims about being the most loving, most self-sacrificing mother in the world, but it's always felt impersonal because she's never been remotely interested in finding out what I actually want or need. She's always insisted on making big dramatic maternal sacrifices which are the opposite of what we kids actually wanted (staying in an unhappy marriage "for the children" when we'd repeatedly begged her to put an end to the hell; emotionally blackmailing me into accepting a level of grandparent-provided childcare that doesn't work for me). But the one thing I've ever wanted is for her to listen and acknowledge my feelings, and that's the one thing I can count on her to withhold, sometimes almost spitefully.

She has herself on a pedestal because she was a SAHM for twenty years and stayed in an unhappy marriage so she didn't have to leave her kids to go to work, etc etc. But constant physical presence is meaningless if, when your kids reach out to you, all they get is "what have YOU got to be depressed about?" or "you're always moaning" or "your day can't possibly have been as bad as mine" .

I always felt completely and unconditionally loved by my mother; she always seemed happy to be with me, and never exasperated or fed up with me. I think that's made me basically very secure.

I honestly think one of the most important/loving things that we can do for our children is to show them discipline and boundaries. To show them that they are not the centre of the universe.

Not perfection. Not centring the child at all times. It's more a balancing of needs so that everyone gets their basic needs met, including mum. Understanding that in order to meet basic needs sometimes different people (including yourself) need to be prioritised, and sometimes only the basics will get done, that's OK.

Meeting physical needs: Provide regular food, of a type which is not going to harm them (e.g. so much sugar their teeth fall out, or so much junk they are overweight by 2, or so much salt their kidneys are overloaded) but other than this, does not need to be perfect nutrition. Ensure they have a place to live, sleep, play, which is free of hazards (including not disgustingly dirty) and has space for them. Wash them/get them to wash and provide clean laundry, regularly enough to avoid irritation of the skin from dirt or unpleasant smells (in puberty - as much as you can reasonably avoid these).

Protect them from harm as far as possible - keep them away from drugs, violence, adult/sexual stuff, danger. Don't leave them to navigate dangerous things until they are capable. Deal with situations that you know are causing them harm. (As far as it's in your control). When you're angry with them or they have misbehaved be reasonable. (Showing anger is fine, showing aggression not.) If you snap, apologise and move on (maybe seek better coping strategies, if it's a recurring thing) rather than blaming them.

Care about them, love them, be interested in them (nb not necessarily interested in every single interest that they have), show them physical affection, take them seriously, and see them as an individual. But don't treat them like the centre of the universe. You don't need to make them happy all the time or prevent them from ever experiencing anything hard, you need to love them through the happy days, the sad days and the angry days. The easy days, the hard days and the impossible ones.

Show up. Just be present and don't leave, or be in and out of their lives. Be a constant presence for them, be stable in yourself. If you're struggling, get help rather than self medicating or partaking in risky behaviour etc. Be a responsible adult, provide the basics (Food, shelter, heat, security) financially before anything else.