To ask what makes a good mum?

[Ivestoppedreadingthenews]

I was chatting to some friends with similar age small kids today and we were all feeling a bit rubbish. So many of us are wrestling with our desire to reach perfection for our children and failing (obviously) at that. Maybe if we had more achievable goals we would realise we weren't doing such a bad job... I certainly think my friends are doing a good job but they don't think they are.

What would you say makes a good mum to a baby, a preschooler, a primary school aged child, a teenager, an adult?

A mum who enjoys their kids.

Exactly what @BertieBotts said, you’ve put it perfectly.

I worry a lot about whether I am good enough. I feel so stretched between a toddler and a baby I often feel like I’m failing them both and though

BertieBotts - this list feels achievable!

My own mother was definitely not what I would class as a "good Mum"
But thank God we had my Dad to balance things out and give me and my siblings some semblance of a happy childhood.
He genuinely loved being with us and after he'd finished long shifts at work, he always made time for us. He'd play daft games with us and introduce us to to the films and music he'd grown up listening to. He never burdened us with problems out with our control and although he would raise his voice at us from time to time, he never made it personal or belittled us. My Dad's not perfect, but I'd be proud if my own children think I'm half the parent he is.

In tears here cos I’ve just shouted at DD for getting fixated with a cinema trip that isn’t happening for about 3 weeks & for insisting on contacting her friends about it when it’s bedtime! We haven’t given her boundaries with her mobile, unlike with her tablet & the tv, so that needs to be sorted. DD is adopted & I worry so much that I am not the Mum she needs. I turn myself inside out emotionally, trying to help her deal with all her crap & low self esteem. I really hope I’m a good Mum but God it’s hard 😥

@Bunnylady53

I am willing to bet my life savings you are a good mum. You are the mum she needs. She doesn't need you turned inside out. She just needs you. All children can be massively annoying especially at bedtime! Oh the guilt when we shout at them though. I just dust myself off and try to be better tomorrow. You are her mum and she wouldn't want it any other way. Their love is so beautifully unconditional.

Love, love and more love.

It's not the only thing but arguably the most important.

My mum thinks the most important thing you can do for your child is to make sure they love themselves and that starts with you loving them. I agree with her.

Make time for talking and listen when they do.

@summerhouse thank you - that means a lot 🙂💐

Things I remember that mum did:

Taught me how to cook, never minded about the mess of us “helping” if we were having fun and learning
Embracing all of our disparate interests - she read the books we did at school and uni so she really got what we were doing and we could talk to her about it, faced her fears and went caving with my brother
Read, read, read to us all the time and I’m the book nerd I am today because of her
She has the softest but most creative and capable hands, she was always stroking our hair, fixing things, making things
Took a genuine interest in our friendships, never forgot a friend’s name!
Exercising complete and fairness - we always felt we got a fair hearing and she listened and made things as equal between us as possible. She’d always felt her parents didn’t trust her or gave her the benefit of the doubt and was scarred by it.

She’s not perfect but her love is all encompassing, her pride in us shines from her, she’s present and involved but respectful of our independence as adults now, she has a full life but she’s always there for us.

I hope I’m half the mother she was to us, I’m taking tips and asking for advice constantly!

Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t always make it to school events, I just have to make that point. It isn’t always possible to be there and it does not make you a bad parent, people have to work!

Anyway, that aside. Make time for them, give them attention, listen to them, lots of cuddles and love, READ TO THEM! and have fun with them. Also be respectful, offer them privacy when necessary and a shoulder to cry on when they need it. Try your best to help them out and be consistent.

@BarryBarryTaylor it’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs I think?

I struggle with fretting that I’m not being the best mum to my DC too. I do try but my God they are Full On at the mo! When I’m being a bit more objective (and less premenstrual) I think it’s about loads of love, being present with them and listening / chatting but also giving them boundaries and security. Basic stuff I guess?

@BarryBarryTaylor it’s Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and actually it makes a lot of sense. A child can be ‘loved’ to the moon and back but if it isn’t fed and cared for it won’t thrive regardless of how much the parent professes to love it.
People talk a lot about quality time but I think especially for young children it’s more about quantity, are you the person who consistently meets my needs? Feeds me? Keeps me safe? Warm? Tends to me? Stings like a bitch as I am not that person for my little one.

Yes that’s it Maslow so I was taking in some of that information after all

I never felt like a good mum when mine were growing up - I always felt too bad tempered and I felt I didn't play enough. But as adults all three of mine often write very moving mother's day/birthday cards saying very nice, moving things about appreciating everything I did when they were growing up and now they've grown up. I think you never feel you do enough but it is!