Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to respond to FIL

55 replies

BasilF12 · 10/07/2019 14:35

Ok I am not unreasonable. DS is 4. Not at school yet. FIL is critical of my parenting and accusing me of making him soft. Last weekend he told DH I will "make him gay". DH told him not to be daft. Homophobia aside I am fuming at FIL for being sexist and prehistoric. We are seeing them soon and I need to know how to respond when he says this without causing WW3 (which I would happily do but DH wouldn't want this.)

Examples of me making DS "soft" include:
I don't smack ever or shout often (only to prevent danger) as it is counter productive in my eyes.
I buy DS dolls because he likes playing with them. He also plays with other toys so??
DS watches Barbie movies, because he likes them. He also likes other movies, so??
DS has fancy dress, he chose the costumes and some are dresses. (Fairy, nurse). He also has superheroes so??
DS asks me to paint his nails when I do mine and I do it.
I comfort him with cuddles if he is sad or hurt. He is sensitive, but that's just him.
I let him wear pink, or blue or whatever he chooses.
I let him have a sparkly bag because he likes it. He also had a dinosaur rucksack so??

DS also likes superheroes, he runs and climbs and likes cars as well as dolls.

I know when he starts school peer pressure may curb some things but he is 4 FFS!

So witty but not horrible comebacks needed please!

OP posts:
Treaclesweet · 10/07/2019 14:38

I think you can be firm! He is being so rude and hateful. You don't have to go off, just a "Thankfully time has moved on" or "Actually Sexist-Steve he is my son and I will raise him however I like"

GreyHairDontCare3 · 10/07/2019 14:41

Oh dear FIL! Unlike you my sons penis isn't threatened by gender typical drama.

GruciusMalfoy · 10/07/2019 14:42

Is he likely to be so rude to your face?

I'd probably just say something like, "what's the problem if he's gay?" Or, " Well, Dave, I'm trying my very hardest, we can only hope!"

Don't give it too much thought.

powershowerforanhour · 10/07/2019 14:48

Re: playing with dolls- dressing them, tucking them in etc: "oh DH bathed and dressed DS and changed his nappies when he was little and pushed the pram...it hasn't turned DH gay as far as I can tell" with a wink.

With the cuddling for comfort, I wouldn't bother with being jokey. I'd just (in as calm, conversational tone as you can, to avoid being branded " hysterical") point out that suicide is the leading cause of death in young men. The traditional route of telling boys to bloody well harden up hasn't worked to alleviate this.
If you think this is a bit heavy, just tell him that you are modelling kind behaviour as you would expect your son to do unto others- you expect him to be caring towards his friends, potential future partner, potential future children.

RhodaDendron · 10/07/2019 14:49

‘It’s not Victorian times, FIL’

popehilarious · 10/07/2019 14:54

"So you think you would have turned out gay if you'd worn different colours? That's interesting!"

powershowerforanhour · 10/07/2019 14:57

Oh I like popehilarious' idea!

Singlenotsingle · 10/07/2019 14:59

So FIL can't be very old, surely? Fifty-ish maybe? Where did he get these dinosaur ideas from? The DS might be gay but there's nothing you can do to make him gay. And who cares anyway?

NewFoneWhoDis · 10/07/2019 15:06

"FIL, have you noticed that it's only ever boys that get restricted in what they can't wear and play with? Girls never get told they aren't allowed to wear blue, or trousers or play with cars or swords? Why should boys not have the same rights as girls?"

It'll confuse the fuck out of him.

Meangirls36 · 10/07/2019 15:16

Do you want your own dolly? And a dummy you big baby. Then put queen on.

AzraiL · 10/07/2019 15:18

What a strange life you must have led, always being so frightened by tears and the colour pink.

Livebythecoast · 10/07/2019 15:19

Ask fil if he'll be coming to your sons first pageant Grin
(I know boys do them too but essentially it's more girls)

RebootYourEngine · 10/07/2019 15:20

I think I'd just go with 'shut the fuck up you homophobic, stereotypical dinosaur'

Ticklingcheese · 10/07/2019 15:22

An ok comeback is hard to think of, in this situation, sorry.

If you get very annoyed, ask him if he won't love any dc or dgc who are gay.
Tell him he had his chance of parenting, now it's yours and you have other values.

That was the nicest, I could think of, I would go in full force. By being silent (your dh) he is actually condoning his dfs dinosaur views.

Original poster
BasilF12 · 10/07/2019 15:25

Oh @popehilarious I love this and may have to try and use it!

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 10/07/2019 15:26

I’m afraid I’d just ignore him. Arguing with a homophobic dinosaur is never going to go well.

AllFourOfThem · 10/07/2019 15:28

I think I’d give him a bemused look, ignore and if he pushes tell him he is ignorant and offensive. Then go back to ignoring him.

MulticolourMophead · 10/07/2019 15:33

I get so bemused at the 50ish dinosaurs. I'm 50 and my youngest DS is likely gay, and I dont give a flying fuck.

PeterRabbitt · 10/07/2019 15:37

I have this with my Dad, it's very wearing. Even more so as our 2 older DS's are starting to form the same opinion of boys only being allowed to like football and blue clothing...

I usually sigh loudly and speak directly to DS3 about silly grandad, we love pink and unicorns don't we and if it makes us happy then isn't grandad being just so very silly. With a pointed glare for good measure. Cannot wait for this shit to die out in the next generation or 2.

ZillaPilla · 10/07/2019 15:43

Oh I'd have to challenge him on this otherwise it's just going to get worse. Think about when your son is older; you'll want him to hear you stand up to such homophobic twattery.

"Firstly, I don't care one bit if DS is gay".
"Do you really believe that I can influence his sexuality by putting nail varnish on him, or letting him wear the princess outfit he's chosen? REALLY?". See what he says.

Troels · 10/07/2019 15:44

My sons were allowed all those things too OP, both non gay adult males now with their own homes and partners.
I think I'd probably wait for him to say something before trying to shut him down.
Tell him the 1930's called they want you back.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 10/07/2019 15:56

My DS was like yours and I was happy to allow him to play/dress up/ cuddle how he wanted. But the amount of comments I'd get about those things was pathetic. The nail varnish one strikes a particular chord, he just loved colour and would ask for some polish if he saw me putting it on. I'd often put it on his toes so people couldn't make their small minded little comments about it. Tell you FIL to piss off and be grateful that your DS won't grow up with attitudes like his.

SerendipityJane · 10/07/2019 15:59

The OP asked a question, to which the answer is simply Pressdram v. Arkell

Let him look it up. Or get someone to do it for him.

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2019 16:00

'Oh, that's interesting FIL. Tell me, what's your opinion on the well known theory that the adult men who protest so much about young boys being soft or turned gay are actually gay themselves and have been suppressing it for decades?'

And/or

'Don't stand too close to me FIL or I'll turn you gay, too. I have that power, you know.'

How to respond to FIL? With both barrels, OP! Verbally, that is, not wishing to incite violence. Grin

princessspotify · 10/07/2019 16:08

I've had this with my MIL. DS2 used to like putting on lipstick and perfume and would like his nails painted.
I used to tell her he will wear and play with what he wants too
DS is nearly 7 and doesn't really play with dolls and prams anymore. Likes me painting his toes though.