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Original poster

How to respond to FIL

55 replies

BasilF12 · 10/07/2019 14:35

Ok I am not unreasonable. DS is 4. Not at school yet. FIL is critical of my parenting and accusing me of making him soft. Last weekend he told DH I will "make him gay". DH told him not to be daft. Homophobia aside I am fuming at FIL for being sexist and prehistoric. We are seeing them soon and I need to know how to respond when he says this without causing WW3 (which I would happily do but DH wouldn't want this.)

Examples of me making DS "soft" include:
I don't smack ever or shout often (only to prevent danger) as it is counter productive in my eyes.
I buy DS dolls because he likes playing with them. He also plays with other toys so??
DS watches Barbie movies, because he likes them. He also likes other movies, so??
DS has fancy dress, he chose the costumes and some are dresses. (Fairy, nurse). He also has superheroes so??
DS asks me to paint his nails when I do mine and I do it.
I comfort him with cuddles if he is sad or hurt. He is sensitive, but that's just him.
I let him wear pink, or blue or whatever he chooses.
I let him have a sparkly bag because he likes it. He also had a dinosaur rucksack so??

DS also likes superheroes, he runs and climbs and likes cars as well as dolls.

I know when he starts school peer pressure may curb some things but he is 4 FFS!

So witty but not horrible comebacks needed please!

OP posts:
Jengnr · 10/07/2019 16:09

‘It won’t drop off, you know’

PeppermintPatty10 · 10/07/2019 16:10

‘Ooh I’d love him to be gay; imagine the fashion advice he would give!’

Ghostontoast · 10/07/2019 16:12

I get this with MIL about DD.

Crimes - she was only given one dolly on her first birthday, I mostly wear trousers and minimal makeup (instead of eye make-up à la Barbara Cartland like her) so am a bad influence on her.

fernandoanddenise · 10/07/2019 16:13

I would say, “yes, you’ve said that before... are you feeling quite well?”

Look concerned and kind of ‘ahhh poor soul’ at him.

Loveisland19 · 10/07/2019 16:21

My son used to carry a patent red leather handbag everywhere with him when it was that age. He loved the colour and it was useful for carrying his trains! He wore dresses and loved a bit of lip gloss and his nails doing when his sister and I had them done.
He is nearly 8 now and refuses because people will laugh at him - letting him do these things won't make him gay, but will make him a rounded and understanding man. He still has a doll (his son), which as far as I'm concerned will help to make him a good dad.

MrsGrammaticus · 10/07/2019 16:24

Your lovely DS might be gay. He might not be gay. He might be transgender. He could be bloody anything. Who gives a flying f*!ck.....stupid ignorant man. Tell him to wind his Jurassic neck in.

verticality · 10/07/2019 16:27

"Good Lord, was that a Diplodocus I just heard? No? That's funny because we're clearly back in the Jurassic era".

HotSauceCommittee · 10/07/2019 16:28

I wouldn’t bother defending the different things FIL has issues with, just look him in the eye and firmly say, “one of the joys of having children is parenting them in our own way and this is how I’m doing it FIL. It’s up to DH and I”.

Chovihano · 10/07/2019 16:29

He is being rude and your ds plays with a mix of toys.
I believe that people should be who they are and am not homophobic or against any gender changes etc.
However, I do find young people now that have grown up with political correctness around gender neutral toys are the generation that are most confused with gender/ and or sexuality.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 10/07/2019 16:32

Just laugh at the silly old fart.

Chovihano · 10/07/2019 16:32

'Don't stand too close to me FIL or I'll turn you gay, too. I have that power, you know.'

I love this one, brilliant.

Loudlady34 · 10/07/2019 16:33

My dad is the same, and my husband partly unfortunately. They both want the kids to play with their own gender toys.

BrendasUmbrella · 10/07/2019 16:35

Girls never get told they aren't allowed to wear blue, or trousers or play with cars or swords?

They don't get told it will turn them gay at least. But I was never allowed He-Man figures as a kid, because they were for boys. And I'm still bitter!

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2019 16:37

Incredible that there are some ignorant people who believe these things.
Does he think the world is flat, too? (I dare you to ask him!)
Reminds me of the old lady I had to escort to the loo the other day at work, who asked if the toilet seat was clean (and would I clean it? - er, no) as she didn't want to get another bladder infection. Was amazed when informed that wasn't quite how it worked....

BrendasUmbrella · 10/07/2019 16:37

He is nearly 8 now and refuses because people will laugh at him

It's a real shame we put arbitrary restrictions on children. And it is adults, children learn their prejudices from the adults in their lives. Imagine the creativity that would be tapped into if we didn't start to stifle them...

foreverhanging · 10/07/2019 16:40

My GPIL will not buy dd an electric car like they have for all of the grandsons because she is a girl. I said 'what, so women can't drive now?!'

LauderSyme · 10/07/2019 16:54

I agree, it's hard to be witty without being confrontational here.

"This seems to be a big issue for you. You know, a lot of homophobes are repressed homosexuals with a fragile grip on their own masculinity." With a meaningfully concerned and questioning look.

"Oh dear, you've rumbled my cunning plan. I am trying to make him gay. I'm looking forward to the sensational parties!" [With apologies to all for the stereotyping].

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 10/07/2019 17:01

Just look confused, then say 'but you know I'm pre-op right, I have a penis? I'm assuming DH must've grown up with pink and sparkles'

dorisdog · 10/07/2019 17:03

I wouldn't even let my DC be around someone so sexist and homophobic. Fuck that. They don't deserve to be around kids and get to pour their poison into their young minds (or to undermine your parenting!)

I can think of plenty of witty comebacks - but really, it's not even funny and you shouldn't have to waste time trying to find elaborate ways to respond. A 'fuck you, keep your bigotry away from my son' should suffice.

daphine2004 · 10/07/2019 17:11

We had this too, but I don’t believe it was the same way. FIL and other family would say stuff like “you don’t want flowers on your shirt” (he was 2). My DS wanted flowers on his shirt as his best friend at nursery had flowery dresses. I’d just reply to my son that’s it’s a beautiful shirt, just like X’s Dress. They don’t say things like that anymore, but it was odd as they’re really forward thinking for that generations (70s).

Fromage · 10/07/2019 17:26

"If he's gonna be gay it's because of the position he was conceived in - you're looking at your future cowgirl grandson, FIL."

AzraiL · 10/07/2019 17:39

'Would you love him less?'

winobaglady · 10/07/2019 18:59

Oh, FIL, don't you know? Being gay isn't a choice, it's just how some people are. Like you aren't, they are.
What a quaint suggestion, though!!

SandyY2K · 10/07/2019 20:04

Honestly...I'd ignore him. As long as you and your H are happy with your parental choices... that's what matters.

No need to grace something with a response, when it will only feed him with more to say on the issue.

Xxalisoncxx · 10/07/2019 20:14

I wish my father was like you. Myself and my brother were playing as young kids and I dressed him in my clothes, we found it funny. My dad beat the absolute shit out of us, me more so -for turning him ‘gay’ ( he’s not gay) it’s doing no harm

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