9 year old son with mild asd and add hates school. What can I do?

[Whattodo2010]

Just after some advice/tips and just to see if anyone has been or is in the same boat as us. My 9 year old son has recently been diagnosed with mild autism and adhd (but without the hyperactivity). Was diagnosed by our paediatrician after 3/4 years of visiting every 6 months. The only reason she was willing to diagnose was because the school put in re-referral as his work is slowly declining due to lack of concentration, messing around in lessons etc.

A bit about my son. He was late crawler/walker etc. Would only make noises until about 3 years old, then vocabulary exploded and paediatrician says high functioning. Incredible memory about subjects he’s interested in, super focuses on his special areas (previously Pokemon, dinosaurs, space, the human body and diseases etc) now it is super mario computer game he likes to play.

He has a great sense of humour, very intelligent (the things he knows and researches amazes me and his dad), is kind and friendly to a certain extent.

All conversations are about whichever is the current focus. When walking to or from school he just tells me about different characters of the game and makes up own scenarios. He will go to bed talking/thinking about mario and it is the first thing he talks about when he wakes up. It is extremely difficult to change the conversation to anything else. Our conversations are just me asking a question like what was the best thing that happened at school today. The response is usually I don’t know, or playtime. He tells me if he gets a smiley or sad face on his chart. I ask him what for and he doesn’t know. Only seems to remember what is important to him iyswim?

He has always hated school, especially writing as he finds it difficult-letters are not properly formed, is extremely unreadable, struggles with pencil grip and scissor hold, fine motor skills in general I think. He hates homework-it is always a battle to get him to do 10 minutes of homework or reading (he is amazing at reading/spelling, never needs help with that side of things) He doesn’t get much homework in year 4, just a double side a4 sheet with 10 spellings to write out 4 times each, a word search (which he hasn’t got the patience to complete) and to find the meanings of the words usually. And reading. he would rather spend 20 minutes arguing about why he shouldn’t have to do it. He views school as unimportant/thinks he doesn’t need to learn anything/thinks the teachers need to go back to university (which he rudely tells them if he feels wronged, for example this sports day he thought he came 3rd in a race but got 4th place. He said the teacher was pointing at him smirking and mocking him) He would have confronted her if I hadn’t have been there to talk him down. He can be extremely difficult/snappy/will not give up in an argument and always has to have the last word) and has been removed from the classroom a few times due to him disrupting the other children by messing around/getting angry after teacher asking him to do something he doesn’t want to do etc.

Sorry for the long post, so my question is - does anyone know how I can help him see the positive side of school, how beneficial the work will be in the future (I know kids live in the here and now and don’t think about the future like we do). The teachers see how much potential he has, he is just not willing to work at it. Any ideas or advice would be much appreciated
Thank you

Does he have a TA? A good one can make all the difference.

To his enjoyment of school and concentration, I mean.

From reading your post i think he needs support with the social side of things. Academically he is obviously very bright but socially and emotionally appears behind. He also obviously needs a lot of OT to help with his poor fine motor skills. Does he have nay friends is he able to relate to his peers? i think take the focus off liking or disliking school because it is more about social skills then school I think. He now as a diagnosis so you should be able to get supports for him as a result of that and those supports should be tailored to the area he needs them most.

Why hasn't he got support in place for the things he finds harder?

If he's not engaged at school, and they're not meeting his needs, of course he'll hate it. There are loads of really small adjustments they can put in place for handwriting (a weighted wristband made a massive difference to DS1), and scissors with a different grip would help him too.

Is he bored? Is the work stimulating enough for him? Or too difficult?

Talking about one thing, obsessively isn't unusual in autistic children tbh. Both my boys do it. Remembering things that happened or explaining why something happened is something they both really struggle with.

Do you have outside support? It sounds like things are very new and confusing (not meaning to be patronising, it was new and confusing to me 11 years ago!) and both of you need some support to find the best way to help your DS to get the most out of school and help him to feel better.

yes does he have a TA to support? what does his EHCP say he needs to support him......and are the school implememnting it?

ds is ASD. After almost all of primary and yr 7 struggling with the school environment we have decided to home school via an online school provider from september. If mainstream isnt for your ds you need to start exporing options (autism units/ special schools etc). be prepared for a long waiting list though. is the problem with school the content of class or is it the general environment eg noise/ distraction from others/ struggling to "get" the teachers in a big class? thats where ds cant cope. add on a teacher or 2 that don`t understand him or think they know all about asd from a couple of after school training sessions and therefore know it all and its a freakin disaster!

i agree on the social side of things. ds also struggles with that. its awful that after a year he is leaving secondary with zero friends. i kid you not.

TA is that teaching assistant? Not really, there isn’t a permanent teaching assistant in his class this year, I think that is one of the problems as there are 30ish children in the class, no permanent TA, and the teacher is understandably spread thin, so the majority of the time he will just sit there messing around, not concentrating on what needs to be done

He sounds like my 7 year old who has ASD and adhd. He doesn’t see the point in school and is quite advanced in a lot of areas of the curriculum but struggles socially. We talk to him about his hopes as he would like to be a scientist. We back up what we say in facts.. I.e look at this to get into university to be a scientist you need this type of qualifications and you won’t get them unless you listen. He also attends a lot of social type groups his school runs plus other activities. These are small groups and are aimed to help him learn social skills. Also on the subject of conversation we do push him a lot to engage in conversation that’s not just in his interest area as he has to learn to have conversations that are not always about his interests.

Does he have an EHCP? He needs one now he's been diagnosed, and should be getting some kind of learning support since the way he's being taught just now clearly isn't working.

It's not as a simple as not concentrating and doing what needs to be done. He clearly can't, or is overwhelmed/struggling with whatever is going on in the class.

What does the school say? Are there any alternative schools? What would be his ideal school?
He needs help with the social side, which school should be working on, school is not just about "learning stuff". The homework sounds boring and unimaginative - and frankly a waste of time.
I would look to getting him some specialist help with his writing. Would a writing slope help? Is it the physical action of writing that is the problem or the mental side of know what to write? My youngest struggled with writing stories until I pointed out that she could just "plagiarise" stories from the Simpsons - she now at 16 writes brilliantly imaginative fiction, but just being able to start a story was crippling her at that age. My eldest struggled and still struggles with the physical action of writing; you could try to get some occupational therapy in this case.
With my ASD child I have tried to always have at least a plan B (if not C and D too) in reserve in case things got that bad. Your son is not enjoying school, and I'm wondering what accommodations they are making for him.

My ds was exactly the same - diagnosed asd at 8 and same handwriting problems. He hated primary school with a passion. He has loved his first year at secondary though. He is allowed to use a laptop which has helped lots. He likes the fact that there are so many different subjects and teachers. If he hates a teacher he knows he only sees them for an hour at a time! Lots more kids too so he is finding friends easier to make (he goes to a computer club every lunchtime for example instead of having to wander the playground). The senco at primary said lots of sen kids find secondary easier.

OP you need a long chat with the school SENDCO. Find out about the TA situation. Such as your ds obviously needs a TA. When / have they put out an advert/ recruited on? If not why.

As an SEN childs mum you need to keep on and make sure school know youre aware of what should be happening and badger them! No point being all meek and mild I`m afraid. SEN parents are very used to fighting their kids corners.

I also think primary doesn't stretch some kids enough. Sounds like that might be the issue for your ds and it definitely was for mine. In all honesty I just had to get him through it. In year 6 he had a very good and strict teacher who he hated but who really pushed him and he started to mature a lot that year. He went from being behind to getting really high sats scores.

OP has your ds had his EHCP review done. done yet? Usually they`re reviewed summer term, ready to implement changes for next school year if needed.

If not chase it. I `ve just chased ds one. Funny how that produced a meeting a week later........

It is quite new and confusing tbh, I just don’t know what to do next to help him.

He does say a lot of thing are ‘too boring’ for him. If he is interested he will happily sit there listen, watch, write about traits of different dinosaurs etc. He doesn’t have an ehcp. After the diagnosis the paediatrician sent a letter to the school and to the GP explaining her diagnosis. I was given contact details of support groups that I can attend but that’s it. The school have tried to help him by moving tables, giving him fidget toys, wobble cushion etc.

He does have social issues, no close friends. He has been observed playing with one main friend but if that friend is not there, he wanders about on his own, but others do ask him to play dobby off ground or similar games and he does join in. He hasn’t even been invited to a birthday party in about 4 years. There are 2 sisters that live 2 doors away who come round asking to play with him but he never wants to go out, he’s rather stay in his room and we basicallly have to make him leave his room which does take a bit of encouragement. This might be because his 2.5 year old sister is quite loud and has just figured out he doesn’t like it when she screams, so she does it more. He has now joined cub scouts and there is a teacher he knows who runs it so I’m hoping that will help.

Regarding OT I’ve asked the doctor about OT but they said they would need a referral from the paediatrician as they don’t just take my word for it, but that appointment won’t happen for another 4 months or so.

I think the issue is a bit of both, he is very bright but as soon as something is a little challenging he digs his heels in and point blank refuses (times tables for example we cannot do that at home, we try and do them as we walk to school so it’s not as ‘formal’ as homework) and I think he does have issues being in that type of school environment has been removed from class to do some work out in the corridor before and got it done in half the time.

Is an EHCP something that you have to apply for?

You need to start demanding! Sorry but the life of the parent of a child with SEN/SN is not easy. It is only the "annoying" parent or child who gets things.
I would suggest looking at the NAS website and seeing if there is a local group - and go to a parents meeting/coffee morning - they can be a great source of local info. Yes the Paediatrician will had you a diagnosis, a leaflet and maybe recommend parenting classes but little else. Don't let them get away with that, a diagnosis by itself is useless and doesn't help your son.
Sort out in your mind what your son needs, write these down and start to action them. You can apply for a EHCP - and ignore the school if they say he won't get it - he might!
I was told once to get a notebook and to record all promises the school made to me. If they say they will help with his writing - then record when they said this, who said it, when it will start, what they will do, and when you will review progress.
Get the school to write to the GP about his writing issues.

Your son is probably overstimulated in the classroom - too much noise, too many distracting sights, smells etc.

Also do judge whether the homework is of value to him. Does he need to spellings? If you don't do them is he just as happy as if you do? Does he read in general (it doesn't have to be fiction - does he read about his interests)? Learning tables is not the only way to do learn Maths (I know Maths Professors who never knew their tables - I didn't and the "alternative" techniques I knew developed my Mathematical understanding).

I would also look at demand avoidance and see if that is what is going on. My DD had huge problems at Primary school but few at home, and a lot of that was because school demanded that she do things, whereas I would use craftier techniques. (Another aspect was that school gave unclear expectations, whereas mine were clearer.)

You really need to get school to acknowledge that they need to be working on your son's social skills. This is a priority.
Cubs might be great (although I always liked my children to be doing something social quite separate from school) and is a good start.

Have you thought about add medication. Made a huge difference for my dc1 and my others are on waiting list for diagnosis. He went from hating school and homework to finding it bearable.

Also you could try a laptop or ipad if he finds writing hard going. Social stories can be good. We had to do quite few role plays on how to act apporpiately in social situations.

Also hw in different places. Dc1 works brilliantly in sitting room floor with cushions. Dc2 quite likes to be outside. We also do the advert game. Pick programme they like then during the advert they have to do 3 spellings

totally agree @MollyButton.

I`m that parent! I used to be so meek!

OP chase up EHCP today. Do not be fobbed off.

Certainly here in Scotland, a diagnosis usually comes with 1:1 support. He or she will help keep him on track, and reduce his fidgety behaviour. The teacher cannot do it all alone, and guaranteed things will get worse for your boy.
The others are right: it's time to get pushy!
Good luck OP

My grandson was the same. Hated school. Cried every morning. Had to have his hair a certain way.
Had loads of time off.
Finally they changed his school and he’s a different kid. Loves it.
Think he has mild autism.

Can I just challenge you here by questioning your use of the term 'mild autism'? There is not such thing as mild autism. In fact, diagnoses these days are all under the umbrella of autistic spectrum disorder. Because what might appear 'mild' on the outside could be anything but in reality.

A friend has a 'high functioning' DS who refuses to leave the house. I have a DS with 'moderate autism' who is pretty easy going.

Educate yourself about autism, about the way you child's mind works. It will really help both of you.

I am not saying this is necessarily the right answer or that you should ignore all the advice above, but I wanted to ask whether you have considered home schooling?

It gives so much more flexibility to focus on the things he's interested in, and use those as the basis for learning more essentials like numeracy and literacy. He can go at his own pace without getting bored waiting for others to catch up. You can also remove more distractions.

It might not need to be forever, maybe just until secondary school? And you can also work hard at helping him with social things without the pressure of being in a class of 30 all day every day.

Like I say, it might not be right or possible, but I think it's worth considering.

I apologise if I have offended you or anyone by using the term ‘mild autism’ that was not my intent, I am just echoing the words the paediatrician used to describe my son. I assume she meant on the lower end of the spectrum?

OP you have just more or less described my 10 year old. He was referred for an ASD diagnosis, but they've written back saying he is suffering with anxiety (without ever having seen him) and needs to be referred to the wellbeing hub. The wellbeing hub are the ones who suggested referral for assessment in the first place, and all they can offer now is support from the school nursing team. The school nursing team have already seen him and offered support which had no real effect. They've now closed his referral, so we are in absolute limbo with his attendance and achievement suffering hugely, but nowhere else to turn to. My mental health is beginning to suffer as a result, and I genuinely cannot believe there is no more support for my poor beautiful boy who is clearly suffering.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP, I just had to get it off my chest! I agree you must be pushy, and now you have a diagnosis in place, you must push for an EHCP and the support that comes with it.