9 year old son with mild asd and add hates school. What can I do?

[Whattodo2010]

Just after some advice/tips and just to see if anyone has been or is in the same boat as us. My 9 year old son has recently been diagnosed with mild autism and adhd (but without the hyperactivity). Was diagnosed by our paediatrician after 3/4 years of visiting every 6 months. The only reason she was willing to diagnose was because the school put in re-referral as his work is slowly declining due to lack of concentration, messing around in lessons etc.

A bit about my son. He was late crawler/walker etc. Would only make noises until about 3 years old, then vocabulary exploded and paediatrician says high functioning. Incredible memory about subjects he’s interested in, super focuses on his special areas (previously Pokemon, dinosaurs, space, the human body and diseases etc) now it is super mario computer game he likes to play.

He has a great sense of humour, very intelligent (the things he knows and researches amazes me and his dad), is kind and friendly to a certain extent.

All conversations are about whichever is the current focus. When walking to or from school he just tells me about different characters of the game and makes up own scenarios. He will go to bed talking/thinking about mario and it is the first thing he talks about when he wakes up. It is extremely difficult to change the conversation to anything else. Our conversations are just me asking a question like what was the best thing that happened at school today. The response is usually I don’t know, or playtime. He tells me if he gets a smiley or sad face on his chart. I ask him what for and he doesn’t know. Only seems to remember what is important to him iyswim?

He has always hated school, especially writing as he finds it difficult-letters are not properly formed, is extremely unreadable, struggles with pencil grip and scissor hold, fine motor skills in general I think. He hates homework-it is always a battle to get him to do 10 minutes of homework or reading (he is amazing at reading/spelling, never needs help with that side of things) He doesn’t get much homework in year 4, just a double side a4 sheet with 10 spellings to write out 4 times each, a word search (which he hasn’t got the patience to complete) and to find the meanings of the words usually. And reading. he would rather spend 20 minutes arguing about why he shouldn’t have to do it. He views school as unimportant/thinks he doesn’t need to learn anything/thinks the teachers need to go back to university (which he rudely tells them if he feels wronged, for example this sports day he thought he came 3rd in a race but got 4th place. He said the teacher was pointing at him smirking and mocking him) He would have confronted her if I hadn’t have been there to talk him down. He can be extremely difficult/snappy/will not give up in an argument and always has to have the last word) and has been removed from the classroom a few times due to him disrupting the other children by messing around/getting angry after teacher asking him to do something he doesn’t want to do etc.

Sorry for the long post, so my question is - does anyone know how I can help him see the positive side of school, how beneficial the work will be in the future (I know kids live in the here and now and don’t think about the future like we do). The teachers see how much potential he has, he is just not willing to work at it. Any ideas or advice would be much appreciated
Thank you

What is his full diagnosis OP? Autism is autism, whether you think its mild or high functioning or severe, it's just autism. It might help to really educate yourself on autism as a whole rather than thinking of it as this thing that's not that bad. It might not seem that bad on the outside, but what's going on his head and his body might be terrible. I hope that doesn't come across as me being horrible, I just know that I felt my DS was struggling but thought he couldn't require much external help because he was "high functioning". I was very wrong.
What you need to know is exactly what your DS struggles with and you need to make a list of everything you have said here and anything else you can think to add to it. Make a meeting with the headteacher, discuss what can be done to help and what you specifically want done to help. If they're reluctant, look in to everything yourself. As far as I'm aware, you can apply for an EHCP yourself. Your DS sounds exactly like mine and I've found that I've had to be very forceful and demanding in certain areas when it comes to help for him.

My 8 year old is exactly the same but not diagnosed with anything. We went to see cahms on request from school and because he sat quietly during the appointment they said theres no way he has adhd/autism etc. Only anxiety.
I am positive that he has both, albeit high functioning. So are the school. After many conversations, school are now treating him as if he is diagnosed, even though it isn't, so that helps although cannot get funding for anything.
Hes ok at home as he can relax and we can deal with him and he gets better as he matures each year. But he struggles hugely in the classroom exactly as your son does.
I am pinning my hopes on high school being a better experience as he'll have a timetable to follow, different teachers, different classrooms.
My sons mental health and behavior is hugely effected by which teacher he has and how they deal with him. This year's has been great. Last year's was terrible and made me ill. Good luck with everything, it's a struggle

Would you ever consider home education?

He sounds a lot like my DS. We home educate.

Whattodo2010 - using the terms "mild" or "high functioning" tend not to be done much nowadays, although I personally think the second is less misleading than the first.
Someone who is "mild" can actually struggle much much more with their condition than someone with very very severe ASD. The person with very severe impairment may not recognise the huge difference of their perception of the world to other peoples AND the world in general will accommodate around them more (if someone is non-verbal only the most ignorant will try to force them to speak).

However a person with "mild" ASD has much more awareness of how they differ from the norm - and society expects them to "fit in" - and the exhaustion caused by this fitting in can be debilitating by itself.

@whattodo2010, My 9 year old ADHD/ASD son was very badly neglected, discriminated against and abused by the headteacher at his old school. They said he was fine, didn't need any support, and the LA refused to assess him for an EHCP his school told them his needs were being met. What a treacherous path of Hell I have walked alone. Fast forward to today, I am in final negotiations with the LA for a suitable final EHCP. We have a new school, which we both love. It all starts with a bloody good Ed Psych report, which will cost you over £1000. But it will open your eyes and hopefully theirs to their failings. Go to the IPSEA website and search for "reasonable adjustments". The outright ignorance of educators who think they know something about autism is shocking. Truly shocking. Thank you for posting this thread. It's good to be reminded that we are not alone. Did you apply for an EHC Needs Assessment? How did it go?

sounds like ds at school. we home educate now. he is autistic too.

It would be a good idea to talk to the school about what support can be put in place to support him in the areas he finds difficult. Every school does have some funding for SEND in their allocation and are expected to use that to support children who need some help.

It’s easy to say that he should have an EHCP. The school will need to show how they have supported and the impact the support has had. There are very strict criteria for EHCPs and plenty the school can do beforehand.

Ask for a meeting with the school, probably class teacher and SENCo, and see what they can do first of all. If that doesn’t make a positive difference, you can discuss the next step. If the school doesn’t have a TA in the classroom, the teacher will be, as you say, spread quite thinly.

@Foxyloxy1pluys1 What do you mean by "strict criteria for EHCPs"?

Find out if there are any post diagnosis courses like Earlybird Plus in your area. The support groups you were given details of should help. You really need to understand autism to help your son. The whole mild/severe thing isn’t helpful really and I think being told “mild autism” makes people think it doesn’t affect the person much. When actually it clearly is because he is struggling.

All the “he just refuses, he’s not interested, he just doesn’t try”. That’s all the autism making itself known. And you and the school have to work out ways to help him through that. It’s not straight forward and different things work for different people. The more you can learn and become an expert, the more you can help him.

Hi my son is 8 and very similar to yours. He's also in year 4.
He is no problem at all outside of school because he's relaxed, feels safe, we tailer our day around him causing him less melt downs etc. But all of his problems lie at school. Our biggest problem we've found with school is that there is no consistency as he moves up the years. Each teacher is starting a freshly, they do their own thing and don't follow methods etc used by the previous one. It makes me so mad.
I am counting down the days until he goes to high school as I hope so much he will feel better there due to not being cooped up in the same classroom, with the same teacher and the same pupils.
My son thinks and acts like an adult, doesn't understand consequences even though he's constantly made aware. He sees other people getting into trouble for things and understands why, but can not relate that to his own behaviour.
I have tried everything I can to get him to like school. Nothing works apart from that he has some nice friends. But it has taken from age 3 to 8 to make these friends as before he used to scare friends off because he would be obsessive with them. He doesn't do that now. I loved school as a child and never imagined that my child would not. It makes me sad as its a period in his life that I and he want over with as quickly as possible