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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's not wrong to want to reciprocate your generousity?

29 replies

MermaidUnicorn · 10/07/2019 09:41

DH comes from a large family in the North East. They are very friendly and generous - lots of presents at Christmas/birthdays and tea and cake when we visit and generally made to feel very welcome. Obviously it's nice to reciprocate such generousity, but I have found it difficult and them resistant to this which I find really odd (I come from the other side of the country). For example, we once sent champagne for a big wedding anniversary and at first the couple wouldn't accept it until eventually my sil told them they should. More recently, we are providing some nice wine for a milestone birthday and already my MIL has said we are 'interfering with the catering'. AIBU to find this frustrating and feel like trying to do generous things for nice people are being thrown back in our faces? Has anyone else experienced something similar?

OP posts:
Enclume · 10/07/2019 09:48

I would do what makes them happy- so don't provide drinks. It could be embarrassment, or a knowledge that they are much richer than you, or simply you might not be choosing the right plonk for the occasion. Some people are very particular about drinks.

MyOpinionIsValid · 10/07/2019 09:59

More recently, we are providing some nice wine for a milestone birthday and already my MIL has said we are 'interfering with the catering'

Were you asked to do this or have you just sent several cases ?

For example, we once sent champagne for a big wedding anniversary and at first the couple wouldn't accept it until eventually my sil told them they should.

I initially read this as you sent one bottle as a gift then I realised you possibly sent crates for a party

It does seem that you are over generous, to the point of taking over - they offer you tea and cake, you start catering for their functions. Champagne is an acquired taste, it's not something I particularly enjoy, any that comes through my front door is automatically regifted or used a raffle prizes. 'nice wine' is also subjective I'm afraid.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/07/2019 10:00

Does fancy wine maybe look a bit "showy"? My DSis is prone to the Grand Gesture but it isn't backed up by any practical or day to day help or contact and do can fall a bit flat. Sorry, OP, I'm sure that's not your intention. You can reciprocate in kind when they visit you. Or maybe phone and offer to contribute in some way. If they refuse, at least you know you've offered.

TulipsTwoLips · 10/07/2019 10:04

Are they quite controlling?

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2019 10:04

They might not want wine or champagne, sending something like that it a bit different to providing tea and cake for visitors and nice Birthday and Christmas presents
It’s not your intention I’m sure but it might seem a bit flash and show offy - it’s not something anyone in my circle would do, although we might take a bottle if we were visiting or attending something

BertrandRussell · 10/07/2019 10:08

How much champagne? How much wine?

Toooldtocareanymore · 10/07/2019 10:21

How does sending wine or champagne to someone else's party make them feel anything like the welcome generosity you feel when they give you in person tea and cakes, or nice gifts at birthdays or Christmas? So say you planned a party for your dh and your in-laws decided to send a case of wine ,would you not feel that's interfering with your plans? I think you would, I think anyone normal would. If you send a nice personal well thought out present that's entirely different, that may be generous, so you are being lovely and kind but just falling short of the mark. Reciprocating generosity to me means making my home open to guests, buying or making as nice a gift, when visiting relatives far away buying them dinner.

Original poster
MermaidUnicorn · 10/07/2019 10:54

It was 6 bottles of champagne for a significant wedding anniversary - a gift for DH's beloved auntie and uncle. I really don't think that's OTT. We are providing 12 bottles of wine for a big birthday party we are attending where they have specified no gifts. The organiser (DH's cousin's wife) has said this is fine. There will be lots of people attending who will drink a lot of the wine.

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 10/07/2019 10:58

I really don't think that's OTT. I'm guessing that they DO think it's OTT and it's making them uncomfortable. And/Or they think you're being a bit flash.

TheSpottedZebra · 10/07/2019 10:59

Is the fact that they're from the North east (of England? ) relevant, by the way? Grin

lazylinguist · 10/07/2019 11:03

There's nothing wrong with sending wine/champagne, but I think it's a bit odd to equate it with their warmth and hospitality - that's a totally different thing.

Original poster
MermaidUnicorn · 10/07/2019 11:14

Spotted - it's relevant because to me, their generosity is typical of the people I have met up there. Similarly, this resistance to accept gifts is not something I have encountered where I come from.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2019 11:18

Sending wine and Champagne in those quantities is a bit flash to me but possibly not to some
Maybe that’s the case for your in laws OP? It might be a kind gesture and not unusual for you but for them it could be unusual and show offy

Opossooom · 10/07/2019 11:27

We northerners are very generous indeed. There’s probably just a spot of “no, you really don’t have to OP”. I don’t think it’s them being dicks.x

ShartGoblin · 10/07/2019 11:40

You are being generous with money but not with your time / heart. If a friend sent me 6 bottles of champagne I'd think they were being flashy and didn't care about me at all (particularly as I don't like the stuff). 1 bottle and a card with a nice message would be much better received. 12 bottles of wine for a party is too much again, they will feel obligated to serve your wine instead of what they actually wanted.

If you genuinely want to be generous, stop flashing the cash and thing a bit more about the types of people they are. What do they actually like?

Sorry if that sounds overly critical, your heart is obviously in the right place but you need to realise that a lot of people couldn't give a toss about what the gift costs, it's about the meaning. If you have children think about how it makes you feel when they make a card for you or how you feel if your DP buys you a random expensive gift compared to something that is personal to you. For a lot of us, money is the least important thing when it comes to gifts.

Janedoughnut · 10/07/2019 11:43

If someone sent that amount of wine/champagne to a party I was hosting I'd feel like thay were implying that I couldn't afford it myself or that I didn't know how to host correctly.

Original poster
MermaidUnicorn · 10/07/2019 12:04

Mmm thanks for your responses. I should say none of this is my idea - it's me ordering stuff on behalf of DH. He doesn't drink, so wouldn't know what to get anyway. Personally, I would have just brought a couple of bottles of wine with us to the party, but he didn't think they would fit in the car. I do think the responses are odd though.

OP posts:
Enclume · 10/07/2019 12:21

brought a couple of bottles of wine with us to the party, but he didn't think they would fit in the car

That doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2019 12:24

What car do you drive?? Confused

Until then I was with you. Grin

BraveGoldie · 10/07/2019 12:28

I think the points about the warmth versus 'cash value' of the gift are spot on.

Also, people who give a lot don't necessarily want to receive. Receiving can feel uncomfortable to givers....

Finally, maybe think about what their 'love language' is.... you seem to have translated how they act into 'gift-giving' which I am not sure it is. It could be 'acts of service' (hosting you, making you comfy, bringing you things).... if you want to reciprocate, it may work better to more closely match how they are showing you warmth.
Smile

Rachelover40 · 10/07/2019 12:32

I think it's a good idea to send the hosts a lovely floral arrangement or plant with a nice card or letter after a celebratory do. No one would object to that, it's good etiquette and quite customary.

Rachelover40 · 10/07/2019 12:35

PS: I haven't come across a car in which you can't fit a couple of bottles, even a Smart car can accommodate that and luggage. Therefore I am curious to know what car you have.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 10/07/2019 12:42

I hear you. You are doing what feels right for you but somehow it feels wrong and it's troubling you. Other family's ways and traditions can be opaque and difficult to navigate.

I would suggest speaking to someone in the family next time in advance. Say that both you and your husband want to contribute to x's special day and what can they suggest?

Original poster
MermaidUnicorn · 10/07/2019 13:06

We drive a Nissan Note. It will be full of our 2 DCs and stuff. DH gets a bit stressed about fitting everything in!

OP posts:
MiniMum97 · 10/07/2019 14:33

If you DH doesn't think he can squeeze 2 bottles of wine in he needs to told he is being ridiculous!