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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be surprised at how many of my 14 year old's friends are in relationships?

75 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 10/07/2019 05:41

DD is 14...15 in August. At least 4 of her mates...males and females are in quite serious (for 14 year olds!) relationships.

They date kids more or less their own ages....so between 14 and 16...some have been dating for over 9 months and are having sex.

The parents seem to facilitate a lot...picking up girlfriends and boyfriends...hosting sleepovers etc.

I'm not saying it's wrong to have a relationship but these all seem quite serious. I don't remember anything like this when I was 14...we "dated" other kids for a month or two....

Is this normal these days? I'm enabling voting...IABU to think it's too Young?

OP posts:

Tamworthsour · 10/07/2019 15:04

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StVincent · 10/07/2019 15:05

Lots of parents seem to have a quaint view that kids will only have sex at night in their beds at home. Not at school/activities/in the park/public loo/cars/kitchen in middle of day etc.

Maybe that’s why lots of them think it hasn’t happened. I remember my mum being uncomfortable with first “sleepover” at boyfriends and I felt quite sorry for her as she obvs thought that would be the first chance for us to shag.

Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 10/07/2019 15:05

Tamworth you should do something! 12 and 13 is NOT old enough.

OP posts:

StVincent · 10/07/2019 15:06

Some parents always have @Tamworthsour - some of my friends (esp the boys) had parents who were delighted to have their girlfriends round as much as possible! No idea why.

Lizzielocket · 10/07/2019 15:11

Totally normal in my opinion, I was dating an 18 yr old at 15 and having sex, he put a ring on my finger at 16 and looking back it was such a sweet love, lots of affection but also lots of jealousy!
DD started dating at 15 with a lad a year older than her, it lasted a couple of months, I know they experimented but didn’t have full sex. She met her current partner at 16, they started having sex a couple of weeks in and 7 years later they are still together.
Having relationships in your mid teens is an essential part of growing up and helps them mature emotionally.

Tamworthsour · 10/07/2019 15:17

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Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 10/07/2019 15:24

I'd call social services and ask for advice. Or Childline.

OP posts:

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 10/07/2019 15:36

It was not happening to EVERYONE in the 70s at all Namechange

Holycrapster · 10/07/2019 15:41

My son is 14 and I don't think a lot of them are in relationships. I'm glad he isn't. He has a.couple of friends who are and whose parents let them share a bed. I think it's way too young to deal with all that stuff.

NeverSayFreelance · 10/07/2019 15:42

I had a boyfriend for just over a year when I was 14/15. No sex, I was not interested in that. Most of my friends had boyfriends too. Some were sexually active, some weren't.

Looking back, I regret the whole thing - but at the time I thought I was happy and doing what 14 year olds do. I realise now I was a dumb kid who was in over her head and got lumbered with trust issues as a result.

mrsm43s · 10/07/2019 15:44

My dd is 14 and she has had a few BFs, but none have lasted longer than about 3 weeks, so no serious or intense relationships. Her friends are mostly similar, lots of chopping and changing, but nothing serious. To my knowledge none are having sexual relationships, but lots of kissing/snogging is happening.

Beamur · 10/07/2019 16:57

StVincent
My DSS had probably been sleeping with his equally teenage gf for a year or more before they stayed over together in my house (with DH and I also there). We weren't naive enough to think they had been holding hands for the previous 12 months, but it's a big deal for a parent to make that shift to seeing their child as a person having adult, sexual relationships. Allowing your kids to have their partners stay over is an acceptance of that change.

reytmardy · 10/07/2019 17:24

And what happens to the boys who have sex with underage girls? breaking the law

TomPinch · 11/07/2019 04:57

I blame the Harry Potter novels. They'll all be married off at 18.

Teateaandmoretea · 11/07/2019 05:46

I'm actually staggered that parents let 14 year olds sleep over in the same room. I realise that they will have sex anyway if they want, but I really think that sex is for adults (emotionally and from a risk POV) and letting them sleep together approves it as okay. It would be over 18 I think for that in my house.

Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 11/07/2019 05:58

Tea among the parents of DD's friends who are doing this (and I've spoken to some of them about it) the thinking is that they're safer at home. They worry that they'll do it in other places...they think they're safer somehow at home.

Though I also don't think it's ok....what's the point of making it easier for them to have loads of sex? The more they have the higher the risk of pregnancy!

I think it's fine allowing the boyfriend or girlfriend to spend time at the house...come for meals etc. Hang out..but overnights on a regular basis? Nope!

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 11/07/2019 06:07

Ive got grown up friends and family who are still with their first partner from when they were 15. We are not chavvy.

StarlightLady · 11/07/2019 06:23

It depends on the individual. I’m in my 40s and became sexually active around 14.

My boyfriends were always of similar age and my hormones were bubbling. I was also quite a “bookish” girl. I was quiet and discreet, with supportive older sister, l didn’t do drugs, didn't do the hop from school, didn’t drink or do wild things. Sex was my stress release and boyfriends were supportive.

maddiemookins16mum · 11/07/2019 06:28

Here too! Apart from my DD (15) who couldn’t care less. When I was 14 I was bopping around my bedroom to Grease and out on my bike and working on getting Girl Guide badges. Serious boyfriends were a long, long way off.

schnubbins · 11/07/2019 09:47

I don't approve either of 14/15 year olds sleeping overnight either.We had the problem though that the parents of my sons girlfriend thought it was all dandy. She being the peach that she was , often sneaked into our house late at night when she thought I was asleep.Each time I asked her to get up and drove her back to her parents.My argument being that she was underage and when anything would go wrong I would as the parent be law be held responsible and of course 'my house , my rules' .I live in Germany and everything boils down to the law of the land when
problems arise.
Anyway if they end up staying overnight , the kids practically end up living together and it has happened to some of my friend that they have become saddled with am extra child because the boyfriend/girlfriend moved in citing problems at home.No way Am I having that!

MaryShelley1818 · 11/07/2019 09:54

I had a very serious relationship at 14 which became intimate at 15. We were together for many years but it was very intense and full of fighting and jealousy.
We broke up, went our separate ways and then I married. I’m now 41, got back together with him 3yrs ago and we’re married with a one year old DS and ttc number 2. We’re thankfully very different people now we’ve grown up but that intense love never went away.

BarbedBloom · 11/07/2019 10:00

I grew up in the 80s/90s and this was normal when I was in school. I was having sex at 14 and wasn't the only one. My mum had no idea. I still thought it was stupid that we had proper sex ed at 15 when it would have been too late for some - one girl in the year was pregnant during it.

I have worked in schools and a lot of teens seem to be in these intense relationships at that age. I think part of the role as parents is to encourage them to still see friends, to have interests and hobbies and not to rush into anything they aren't ready for just because everyone else is. Banning these relationships doesn't usually work either as I remember being 14 and thinking I knew everything

BarbedBloom · 11/07/2019 10:03

Also, FWIW, I was also a 'swot' in school, never smoked, done drugs or drank and am teetotal now. I just liked having sex with my boyfriend. It was all the hormones

steppemum · 12/07/2019 11:11

I have a 16 year old ds and a 14 year old dd.

I don't think it is normal.
Interestingly, mine go to 2 single sex school next to each other, so they travel together on bus/train and have some joint activities eg orchestra, but no lessons together.

The 16 has only just, in the last year really started dating. There was the odd moment before, but all pretty innocent, more similar to what you describe as your own experience Op.
It is only post 16 that it seems to have ramped up, and with it the possibility of it being sexual.
They all seem to be pretty strong about not being underage. Not sure where that came from, but it is the prevailing attitude.

14 year old not remotely interested yet. But a few crushes along the way.

Whattodofgs · 15/07/2019 09:43

I have just spent the last week in Paris.

I wonder if the British attitude to this is different and the rest of Europe is more relaxed?

I don't know, just wondering this.

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