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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at how many of my 14 year old's friends are in relationships?

75 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 10/07/2019 05:41

DD is 14...15 in August. At least 4 of her mates...males and females are in quite serious (for 14 year olds!) relationships.

They date kids more or less their own ages....so between 14 and 16...some have been dating for over 9 months and are having sex.

The parents seem to facilitate a lot...picking up girlfriends and boyfriends...hosting sleepovers etc.

I'm not saying it's wrong to have a relationship but these all seem quite serious. I don't remember anything like this when I was 14...we "dated" other kids for a month or two....

Is this normal these days? I'm enabling voting...IABU to think it's too Young?

OP posts:
Pretendbookworm · 10/07/2019 08:39

Seems totally normal to me. We get hung up on ages a lot but biologically that’s when many start to get hormones, feelings, etc so it’s going to happen.

15 years ago when I was at age there certainly wasn’t as many couples as they would be a few years later (16-18) but there were quite a few. Some of my friends had had sex. There was a pregnant girl in my year. It’s normal but we forget I think as we get older.

AyBeeCee10 · 10/07/2019 08:42

This wasnt the norm when I was 14 but times have definitely changed. I certainly wasnt even in any type of relationship because I wasnt allowed to! I'm so glad my parents were strict. Looking back I wouldnt have been able to manage all the emotional stuff that came along with it. I was envious of two girls who were allowed alot of freedom. But they ended up pregnant so I'm glad I wasnt parented that way.

Ellabella989 · 10/07/2019 08:44

I was having sex with my boyfriend at 14 and at least 90% of my classmates had all lost their virginity by 15 (this was about 15 years ago). I was allowed by my parents to stay the night at his house from the age of 15 as long as we slept in separate rooms. His mum always secretly let us share the same bed though.
Looking back on it now it was definitely too young but it was just the norm for us all

StVincent · 10/07/2019 08:46

I don’t think anything has changed in terms of some young teenagers being in relationships. In my school (rough) most of the kids I knew having sex from 12/13 up were from families that often didn’t know or care where they were. But many more having sex from 15/16ish (year 11) unsurprisingly given the age of consent. A couple of pregnancies and then one girl got married at 16!

But for every one person in a relationship at 14 or so, there were at least a dozen who weren’t!! So I hope your DD doesn’t feel left out. I didn’t get a boyfriend til I was 17 or 18, and some people I know didn’t until mid twenties or even later. It’s a massive range!!

Fallofrain · 10/07/2019 08:49

Hmm,
Its funny isnt it because often we were doing naughty things but it shocks us when our kids are!
Previously it wasnt unusual to meet your husbands at 16/17

I always laugh when people say no definately not my kid, they dont even know anyone who has etc. My mum would have said that (still thinks i lost my virginity at 22!) And i got up to all sorts. Think about it did you tell your mum?

My friendship group was very geeky and people assumed that excluded me from stuff, but even things like boyfriend swapping was fairly common place by 16. Every teenager has the potential!

SerenDippitty · 10/07/2019 08:55

At 14 I was interested in boys but in terms of romance rather than sex. Didn’t have a “serious” boyfriend until I was about 22. Sometimes I feel I missed out on a lot by not having boyfriends as a teenager.

StVincent · 10/07/2019 08:57

100% @Fallofrain - a good family friend of mine is over 50 and started dating her husband when she was 13. I guess a lot of adults just find it hard to believe their kids are as “mature” as they (think they) were at the same age.

ginghamtablecloths · 10/07/2019 09:01

In the olden days I went to an all girls' school and just two of the girls in our class had serious boyfriends and I think one got engaged. They both married in their late teens/early twenties.

Two or three of the girls 'played around' and boasted (or exaggerated) their exploits which were with older men - nowadays it would be seen as grooming. We listen with awe and maybe envy.

Many of us were too self-conscious, spotty, had bad hair, no self-confidence and didn't have the opportunity to meet boys. They were like alien creatures from another planet.

lazylinguist · 10/07/2019 09:07

Dd is nearly 14 and lots of girls in her year have had multiple boyfriends. I don't think many of them are that serious in terms of longevity, but dd is always a bit Hmm at the constant drama about them. She's not shown any interest yet. There have been a couple of pregnancy scares among her peers already though, apparently, which horrified me as they are still in year 9.

I was definitely pretty interested in boys at 14, but didn't have an actual boyfriend until 18. At that age, I was happy to indulge in fancying boys from afar without actually getting involved in the messy business of relationships yet! I think 14 is too young for a serious boyfriend.

x2boys · 10/07/2019 09:11

It's not a new thing girls and boys at my school in 80,s were in serious relationships from around 14 or 15 ,I didn't start dating until I have as about 17 but that was considered quite old .

Fallofrain · 10/07/2019 09:11

I also went to an all girls school, and would agree that probably at least 60% of people lost their virginity after 16 but it certainly wasnt uncommon to have boyfriends. In fact in some ways i think going to an all girls school made it worse, as we never got to meet boys so every boy you met would end up dating at least one of your friends. We never just existed around boys, it was all abit charged

Im bisexual so also had relationships with girls in the school before 16 and it was fairly common to experiment at school. At 14 i remember us playing spin the bottle within my all girls form!

However if you ask my mother ive slept with precicely one girl (dw) and one boy, Both after university and i was a geek so spent the whole time playing video games, not interested in boys or girls and definately would never of snuck out at got drunk in fields etc.

Its very normal that parents remain seeing their teen as a child, and teens think they are adults. I certainly felt in a rush to grow up and crammed enough in that actually by the time i was at university I wasnt ever up to mischeif!

My dw on the other hand, genuinely was not interested in sex until her 20's.

Different strokes and stuff

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 10/07/2019 09:15

I certainly don't see my DD as a child. But I'd be a bit worried if she was dating with the intensity of some of her mates.

OP posts:
Fallofrain · 10/07/2019 09:21

I dont mean it in a negative way, just that as a teen i felt so grown up and ready. I now look back on photos etc and think jeez i was so little! I see teens now and see them as young.

Nautiloid · 10/07/2019 09:25

Yeah that's odd to me. I had a boyfriend at 14 but we didn't have sex!

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2019 09:28

Dd is 14 and a couple of girls in her year have had sex but most of the kids don’t approve of them (or the boys who they had sex with) and it’s not seen as “cool”
Dd does have a boyfriend but we have strict rules and she has assured me she has no interest in having sex with him and I do actually believe her but have discussed it with her anyway. They’ve been friends since they were 7 anyway and I actually think he’s getting dumped soon in any case, which will be a shame as he’s lovely but she said she doesn’t want a relationship right now

historysock · 10/07/2019 09:30

I slept with my boyfriend aged 14. And obviously my mum didn't know. It was too young really and with hindsight I would have waited-but then I didn't think so at the time (and in fairness nothing awful has happened to me as a result)

I have a 13.5 year old who has just started seeing a boy. I'm assuming the worst and that she will be similar to me and while that makes me a bit sad, I'm determined she will be safe if she is going to do it (and more importantly I want her to be open with me).
She is a very private sort of person and doesn't like to talk about it all much-and that bothers me more than what she might or might not be getting up to tbh.
I can help her handle anything as long as she is honest-is the message I'm trying to give her.

AquaPris · 10/07/2019 09:46

Sounds like my high school experience. Sex by 15 usually and I'd had two long term relationships by 16.

CardsforKittens · 10/07/2019 10:12

I’m nearly 50 and it was the same when I was 14. The main change I’ve noticed is that teens are much more open about same sex relationships these days. At my school, in the 1980s, I didn’t know anyone who was out, although of course it was happening - just in secret.

betweentheacts · 10/07/2019 13:55

It was pretty normal when I was a teen? I had the same boyfriend from just shy of 15 to 17 and lots of my friends were in 6-month plus relationships. I was the last one to lose my virginity (at 16, at college) - lots did between 14-16. And this was a 'naice' area (shock horror). Most of the parents were pretty accommodating with boyfriends/girlfriends although I don't remember many at all being allowed to stay over before sixth form age, so 16.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 10/07/2019 14:00

I felt like the only one of my friends to be single at 16 and had never even kissed anyone. I made up for it by dating bouncers but it never progressed any further than kissing until I was 17. So I think its normal, but my friends mostly didn't have sex until at least 16 or 17 even if they were dating or in relationships.

ethelredonagoodday · 10/07/2019 14:03

Was fairly normal when I was at school, and I'm in my 40s!

Cautionsharpblade · 10/07/2019 14:26

Absolutely unheard of in my day, but we were all massive girly swots who focused on school exams and crisps

daisyjgrey · 10/07/2019 14:28

They should be fancy free and doing whatever they like.

Unless 'whatever they like' is being in a relationship... Hmm

Tamworthsour · 10/07/2019 14:56

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Bumper1969 · 10/07/2019 15:01

Interesting lots of posters had teenage sex but not one if their teenagers have

They're not going to tell mum.