AIBU to give in to difficult, stubborn mother?

[Babyfacemortified]

I have had an incredibly difficult relationship with my mother for most of my life. I'm convinced she has suffered serious mental health problems for as long as I remember. She was prone to going in 'huffs' where she would completely blank me for days when I was a child from around 7 years old but would rarely tell me the reason and she actually threw me out of the house a few times as a young teenager for minor things like having an untidy bedroom, showing too much concern for my father (they were divorced) when he was ill, having a boyfriend (at age 17) etc. She was diagnosed with depression but would not accept that.

Our relationship broke down fully a few days after my 18th birthday when she threw me out of the house for good but wouldn't tell me why, she just kept saying that I should know the reason. All my belongings were thrown in the street and I was forced to sofa surf until I went to Uni.

During the following months, my mother sent me a lot of extremely abusive text messages (calling me an evil little b**ch, telling me I was dead to her and other such delights). I really struggled to cope with all of this but eventually (and mercifully) all contact with my mother stopped.

Fast forward a good few years and without ever telling me why she had fallen out with me, she seemed to try to make friends. I decided to try to rebuild the relationship although I would never trust her. Things were ok for a while then I had a baby and my mother became a different person, really loving and kind with both me and baby to the point where she was visiting most days. This continued for around 2 years with only minor hiccups.

A few months ago, my mother suddenly stopped all contact and again would not tell me the reason. I am much stronger now than I ever was before so I managed to persist until she gave me a reason, which is that she can't stand my son's father and doesn't want to risk seeing him as it gives her anxiety. To be fair, there have been issues there so I understand them not getting on but never any arguments between them and he is not around a lot of the time due to work etc.

I made a decision not to pursue her, just told her it was a shame but ultimately her choice and it has been months now with no contact.

My issue now is what to do for the best for my son. He had a very close relationship with my mother and I can't fault her as a grandmother so I am devastated that this relationship may be lost and I am considering trying to appease her in some way.

On the other hand, I am determined to ensure that my son does not suffer emotional harm from her unpredictable behaviour the way I did and wonder whether it would be better to leave matters as they are. Friends and other family members are urging me not to be the one to run after her as always because they think this just feeds into the cycle but I am so torn and also conscious that she is not getting any younger. I lost my Dad last year and hate that my mother does not seem to want a sustainable relationship with my child when my Dad would have loved nothing more. On the other hand, I can't bear to think of my son one day being on the receiving end of her mood swings.

I also have 2 brothers and a sister, all of whom have children and my mother has contact with only 1 of my siblings and that is fairly limited and has been on/off due to my mother's behaviour.

AIBU to consider making the first move for the sake of my son? Or should I wait for her to come to me? If so, what then, should I risk letting her get close again? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated as my head is battered by the whole thing!

I was estranged from my father for 15 years and I concluded that it was his loss. My mum and in-laws were/are fantastic grandparents so the kids didn’t miss out on anything.
I am back in contact with him but it’s pretty distant. We meet up 2-3 times a year with very little contact in between. Again, his loss. The kids don’t miss what they’ve never had.

Just for context, I should add that the rest of the family gets on fine, but my mother has fallen out seriously with every family member over the years and some have witnessed her at her worst, wild accusations such as telling my aunt she was essentially a prostitute because her boyfriend was wealthy and paid for holidays and telling certain family members that the boyfriend of another family member was a paedophile, which was completely unfounded and disgusting.

Despite all of this, I hate to think that she will grow old alone with nobody who cares for her. She has also fallen out with or lost touch with every long term friend she has had. She still socialises to a limited extent but only with a series of short term friends.

Your mother sounds a lot like mine; thankfully mine passed away, meaning I never had to make the choice facing you.

Personally, I would say keep your distance. Being a biological grandmother doesn’t confer a right to your child and there’s every chance that her behaviour is so entrenched she will simply repeat the patterns with your DS.

I’m not a believer in facilitating family relationships for the sake of a storybook dynamic between grandparent and grandchild. Your DS won’t miss what he has never had and will be better protected by not having to manage your mother’s toxicity.

Trust in your parenting - you and the people around you will be more than enough for him

Your son still see his grandmother without your husband being present, at her house. That's just a thought and of course it is up to you. In your shoes I'd be reluctant to chase her, she certainly hasn't been kind and, who knows, as your son gets older she might be fed up with him and you don't want that.

Your mother has behaved appallingly to you. To blank you at the age of 7 for days on end was disgusting.

And now she has dropped you again, including her grandchild that she doted on. So the pattern continues.

Are you willing to have her keep doing this to you and your child? How will your child feel when they are older and they are blanked for some perceived slight to her?

At 2 years old, they will soon forget your mother. So don't bring your mother back into your lives. You have made a life for yourself despite her.

You do not need or deserve anymore abuse, neglect or manipulation from her.

She has made her bed so let her lie in it!

Sorry OP but your mother hasn't really changed since you were a 7 year old and she blanked you for days. Really, who does that? In your position I would keep my child away from someone who sounds emotionally unstable and who may very likely do the same to your child and who dislikes your child's father.

Also as your child gets older they are likely also to be confused at how your mother acts around their father. Too many negatives.

I would advise you listen to the other members of the family who have also been affected by her and, sadly, stay away.

Can you know that the reason she gave is true?

I would say that for your son to lose her once is better than to lose her many times. I suspect that as he grows up into his own person she will find more reason to object to him and be more erratic.

I wouldnt go out of my way to subject him to more of her behaviour.

She's not going to change is she? Sooner or later she'll treat your son just like she's treated you (and everyone else it seems).
Why would you choose to let that happen? Protect yourselves now and let her keep her distance.
I'm sorry you were treated so awfully.

You can’t fault her as a grandmother yet she has gone none contact with your 7 year old rather than being an adult and discussing a way she can avoid seeing your partner.

I personally wouldn't bother. She has shown she cannot change. Please do not subject your own child to what you had to put up with.

I am determined to ensure that my son does not suffer emotional harm from her unpredictable behaviour the way I did and wonder whether it would be better to leave matters as they are

There's your answer. Your boy is already suffering harm from her unpredictable behaviour but as others have said, at 2 he will soon forget about that. If you reconcile, what's to stop her finding another pretext to drop you both, this time when he's old enough to remember her and wonder what he did wrong?

I would cut her out completely and forever before she inflicts her madness upon your child, which I assure you she will.

If your son's father is not abusive then his relationship with his dad is more important than the one with your mother, especially with her volatility.

I would not facilitate a relationship with your mother when she is still so unstable and unreliable. As your son gets older, tell him the truth because you need to protect him from potentially abusive people.

We were separated by emigrating from my husband's family when my children were young and now I see it as a blessing, as they are very unstable. Now as my three are teenagers, I can talk openly with them and explain they are free to leave the room or the venue if their paternal grandma becomes at all abusive (usually with her 4 sisters, they are always yelling and screaming at each other). Their grandma (MIL) has also form for physical abuse (although not toward her own children/grandchildren) and I don't want my children to witness that.

It's better this way. Find healthy friends and relatives for your son.

I’d protect my child from her if I were you. Think of all the hurt and anguish you had growing up. Your child doesn’t need that

The history with her other grandchildren demonstrates that she is never going to have a normal grandmotherly relationship with your son. In your shoes I wouldn't subject my son to the certainty of having to deal with her rejection and unpleasantness.

She doesn’t get on with her own family including her own children.
She’ll do the same to her grandchildren.
Don’t do it.

She sounds absolutely toxic. She hasn’t changed and I doubt she will. I honestly wouldn’t want someone like that around my son. He may not be affected by it now but he will when he is older.

What I read from your original post is that your mother was emotionally abuse to you throughout your childhood and into adulthood. You should cut contact with her, she will never, ever, change, and if you stay in contact you will constantly be thinking that you are in the wrong here. You're not, you've been conditioned for years and no doubt in my mind you are feeling the fear, obligation, guilt triad (the outofthefog.net website will open your eyes). Cutting contact will improve your self-esteem and make you feel better about yourself.

I'd recommend you post on the "But We Took You to Stately Homes" thread too.

By attempting to repair the relationship all you've achieved is becoming enmeshed in the FOG again.
Go NC again. The longer you don't see her the better you will feel.
We all want lovely grandparents for our children but your mother is not one and never will be.

Are you my long lost dsis op? That was like reading about me /dm. Except about your df bit. But the ds and his df was right. My dm flounced out when ds was a baby (not pfb, different df to rest) and I didn't see her for 10 years! Attempted a reconciliation but within a fortnight I regretted it immensely. Been nc for 8 years now. And will stay that way. She won't change. Raise your dc and put her to the back of your mind. Great for your mh ime!
By all means mourn the family scenario you once craved but the quicker you accept she isn't in it the better for you.

Be glad for the NC and keep it that way. Your mother is a toxic abusive person and doesnt deserve you or him in her lives. Protect him from her and all the drama and shite she brings.

And yes ywbu to give in to her. You would be doing your son, yourself, your husband, your whole family a disservice and bringing stress and toxicity to their lives. To do what she did to you and to her relatives is truly awful.

Despite all of this, I hate to think that she will grow old alone with nobody who cares for her.

If she does its her own fault, of her own making. She has had chances to change and treat people well. You yourself already gave her many chances. You reap what you sow, she sows nastiness and discord. Getting nothing at the end is better then getting it back.

Should have been all one message but my phone is going funny.

Hi OP

I'm afraid that your mothers behaviour is already impacting on your son

She became close to him over 2 years then completely dropped contact as she doesnt like his dad...who surely she could very easily avoid by inviting you and your son over to hers when she knows his dad is busy for example. I think its telling she didn't speak to you about it as there would have been an east work around. But her need for control of the situation trumped your sons need for a stable relationship apparently

I'm sorry OP I know the last couple of years have been ok but she doesnt sound well, and past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. If she hasn't admitted she has an issue and got help I honestly dont think she will change. She will do it again. So it's up to you whether you think your son can go through it again. Personally I'd be very cautious

I would stay away. You don't want your son subject to her moods or able to see and then model how she treats you.