AIBU to give in to difficult, stubborn mother?

[Babyfacemortified]

I have had an incredibly difficult relationship with my mother for most of my life. I'm convinced she has suffered serious mental health problems for as long as I remember. She was prone to going in 'huffs' where she would completely blank me for days when I was a child from around 7 years old but would rarely tell me the reason and she actually threw me out of the house a few times as a young teenager for minor things like having an untidy bedroom, showing too much concern for my father (they were divorced) when he was ill, having a boyfriend (at age 17) etc. She was diagnosed with depression but would not accept that.

Our relationship broke down fully a few days after my 18th birthday when she threw me out of the house for good but wouldn't tell me why, she just kept saying that I should know the reason. All my belongings were thrown in the street and I was forced to sofa surf until I went to Uni.

During the following months, my mother sent me a lot of extremely abusive text messages (calling me an evil little b**ch, telling me I was dead to her and other such delights). I really struggled to cope with all of this but eventually (and mercifully) all contact with my mother stopped.

Fast forward a good few years and without ever telling me why she had fallen out with me, she seemed to try to make friends. I decided to try to rebuild the relationship although I would never trust her. Things were ok for a while then I had a baby and my mother became a different person, really loving and kind with both me and baby to the point where she was visiting most days. This continued for around 2 years with only minor hiccups.

A few months ago, my mother suddenly stopped all contact and again would not tell me the reason. I am much stronger now than I ever was before so I managed to persist until she gave me a reason, which is that she can't stand my son's father and doesn't want to risk seeing him as it gives her anxiety. To be fair, there have been issues there so I understand them not getting on but never any arguments between them and he is not around a lot of the time due to work etc.

I made a decision not to pursue her, just told her it was a shame but ultimately her choice and it has been months now with no contact.

My issue now is what to do for the best for my son. He had a very close relationship with my mother and I can't fault her as a grandmother so I am devastated that this relationship may be lost and I am considering trying to appease her in some way.

On the other hand, I am determined to ensure that my son does not suffer emotional harm from her unpredictable behaviour the way I did and wonder whether it would be better to leave matters as they are. Friends and other family members are urging me not to be the one to run after her as always because they think this just feeds into the cycle but I am so torn and also conscious that she is not getting any younger. I lost my Dad last year and hate that my mother does not seem to want a sustainable relationship with my child when my Dad would have loved nothing more. On the other hand, I can't bear to think of my son one day being on the receiving end of her mood swings.

I also have 2 brothers and a sister, all of whom have children and my mother has contact with only 1 of my siblings and that is fairly limited and has been on/off due to my mother's behaviour.

AIBU to consider making the first move for the sake of my son? Or should I wait for her to come to me? If so, what then, should I risk letting her get close again? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated as my head is battered by the whole thing!

She will 100% do the same thing to your son.

It’s easy to be the doting granny to a baby who can’t form his own opinions or talk back.

stay away and keep your DC away

OP I understand, I could have written some of your post right down to the huffing as a child, saying if I diode;t know why she wouldn't tell me, leaving me and my friend in another city as young teens, failure to help when i was ill etc.

It is hard and mine also seemed to want to be involved with my DC, but didn't like my husband and made up lies about me, i am now NC. Mine too is lonely and has alienated everyone and it is hard not to feel guilty.

I have not let my DC get involved though as knew what she was like really. I wish you well.

The site online Out of the FOG is very good also

Thank you all for your comments. I think deep down I know NC is the right thing to do but I'm struggling with feelings of guilt and self doubt.

I realise I have painted a very one sided picture and should say that in between the bad times my mother is very generous, funny and helpful with practical things. It's such a shame she never addressed her mental health issues which keep resurfacing from time to time.

When confronted my mother has said that I am welcome to go to her house but I feel like that would be giving in and playing her games. I think this decision is the one I am doubting most, as in fairness I could quite easily take my son there occasionally. My worry though is that the cycle will continue.

Thank you also for the site and thread recommendations, I have looked briefly and they seem very useful so will definitely look at them further.

Your first paragraph could have been talking about my MiL and her behaviour to my DH. By the time he left for university he determined that he was never going back home to live - or even in the same area of the country - and he never has. (As the privileged DiL, once we had children this was of course my fault; they weren't interested in us until then).

She, too, came up to scratch when our DC was born, and for the first year when I was on maternity leave she was around me like a rash (I barely knew her before). But once the baby phase was passed, she predictably lost interest.

I suspect your D(?)M is keeping up the same pattern, but wants to project the reasons as to why she's doing it onto you, hence she's hitting out in anger and attacking you. I recognize this from my MiL too, although she tends to do this in covert, passive-aggressive ways rather than communicating her displeasure directly.

I'm sorry to tell you that she won't ever change, and I fully recommend keeping your distance for the sake of your DP.

The good news is that acceptance of the DM/MiL you have rather than the one you wished you had is incredibly painful at first. But there's a measure of peace which comes from this acceptance, and from letting go of the expectations which are sadly never going to be realized.

for you, OP. I'm well aware how much this sucks. x

Your son doesn't need that relationship if he has positive relationships with the other adults in your life. He's young enough not to be affected by going nc.

The question is - do you think the benefits of the relationship outweigh the risks and potential damage she will cause when she inevitably returns to type?

You may feel bad in the short term, but your family needs protecting.

Your mother is emotionally abusive and she will damage your son. I know what it is like to long for a mother like everyone else seems to have but she can't be that. She is now trying to undermine your relationship with your son's father.

Just because someone is nice some of the time, it doesn't mean you should ignore their behaviour the rest of the time

Your mother has already began emotionally abusing your son, by forging a close relationship and the discarding him over some spurious reason.

Make sure this is the last time. As little contact as possible from now on will be best for everyone.

@ToastyFingers
Exactly right.

You sound like a very strong woman and a wonderful mother.

This is second generation abuse.

Don't allow her to do this.

Break the cycle of abuse in your family.

Get some counseling to help you grieve the relationship that you have never had, and never will.

It's painful but you will overcome the grief and move on.

It's not the crazy that's the problem, it's the nasty. Bin her off.

Keep your distance. She is fucked up, and you don't want her to have the opportunity to hurt your son like she hurt you.

So sorry to hear about your difficult childhood, OP. Your situation is extremely similar to that of my mother and her mother. Terrible neglectful upbringing, fraught relationship their entire lives but my mother trying to keep the peace for the sake of us the children. We had a good relationship in my younger childhood but before I left primary school, my mum made a decision my grandmother didn't like and she abruptly disowned the lot of us. A 7 & a 10 year old child wondering why their grandmother doesn't love them any more, and my mother having to cope with the behaviour from her own mother too, was incredibly difficult for our family and the trauma still lingers. To top it all off, my aunt now feels that she has a responsibility to look after my grandmother because she is frail and elderly and my aunt can't bring herself to make the NC decision. She is horrible, really bullying to my aunt still. In a way, my grandmother going NC on us saved us all the difficulty of having to make the decision ourselves. So my advice is to let her go, and fill your child's life with happy and positive relationships that he can rely on. Good luck.

You feel guilty because you're a good person. But it's not on you.
This is her doing and you've been very generous in letting her back in in the first place without talking about what had happened.
I doubt she feels guilty or else she would get over herself and seek help.
You could suggest counselling to repair your relationship if you so wish. I doubt she'd go for it.
I wouldn't let her back in.
If you think of what's best for your child ... he's small now and won't remember but if he gets older and she decides to do this again he will suffer.
It's hard but I think this is the end of the relationship between her and her grandchild unfortunately. It is better for your child than having an on and off grandmother. Children tend to blame themselves.
Like I said if you want to repair your relationship with her I'd suggest family counselling to work through the past or even for yourself to help with the guilt. X

I also think blaming your partner is just an excuse. She probably just wants your attention and for you to chase her.

I think you are looking on this the wrong way around. You should let the contact go for the sake of your son. To be honest, I think you would be a poor parent to let your mother build a relationship with your son when, let's face it, it is is almost inevitable she will treat him the same awful hurtful was as she did you.

It may well be mental health issues for her - does it matter? She doesn't do anything to stop it happening. She was appalling to you and will definitely treat your son the same. why not protect him from that.

Goodness me, your mother certainly has manic mood swings, doesn't she?

I've said it on other threads, and I'll keep on saying it. There is NOTHING magical about the grandparent relationship, that means you should inflict bad behaviour on your DC. The grandparent relationship is only special when the grandparent loves their child and grandchild, wants them to have wonderful things, and makes the effort to build a strong, consistent, loving relationship. Without that, they're just someone who happens to share some of their DNA.

Your mother is not stubborn. She is abusive. Real words, ABUSIVE. Break the cycle, I know how hard it is, but you need to do this for your own children. Do you want them to experience what you did?

Abusers are generally lovely between bouts of abuse. That's how they get people to stick around for more abuse.

The only responsible and loving option open to you is to keep your son a million miles away from your mother. Offering him up to her to abuse (which she will) in an attempt to forge a better relationship with her yourself is understandable, given you've suffered a lifetime of abuse too, but ultimately it would be unforgivable.

I suggest you get yourself some counselling. You're still in placate and guilt mode and you need to work through anger and grief to distance and acceptance - and that's a tough journey.

in between the bad times my mother is very generous, funny and helpful

Unsurprising really. It's part of the FOG triad to keep you hooked in and vulnerable to her abuse.

Be careful, extremely careful, about allowing this woman access to your son. Over time she could emotionally hurt him, and most definitely turn him into a weapon against you.

Why are you on here asking? Wtf?

Your mother's behaviour has damaged you growing up, despite your assertion that she's a "good" grandmother, this head fuck behaviour is toxic to your DS.

Surround him with people that show healthy, positive role modelling. That's not her.

Why on earth do you think you owe her contact in case she is lonely in old age??!

She wasn't there for you when you needed her!

For your son's sake, wake up. There's no way you should consider continuing this damaging cycle she brings.

Also agree with the pp who are suggesting counselling. There's some thing fundamentally broken here that you would ever consider allowing her to poison your son's childhood by exposing him to her behaviour, even if just by passively allowing him to see it's ok to treat you like this.

Thanks again everyone, it has been really helpful to get some objective opinions and has convinced me that I should stick to my guns on this one and that way my son will be protected from any future hurt or confusion resulting from my mother's issues.

Bless you OP - sending you strength and courage for the times you need them. 🌹