To expect my mum to stop being so careless with gluten

[DaftAsABrush15]

I was recently diagnosed with Ceoliac disease. It came as a bit of a shock as I'm well into my 20's. Anyway my mum who I live with is being so careless. She still eats gluten as there is nothing wrong with her. (lucky sod) I bought a new toaster, she's already contaminated it with her white bread. I'm forever cleaning up crumbs on the work surface. I mentioned that I had the runs so for her to make sure she's being careful with cross contamination.

When I approached her saying that I need her to be careful and clean up after herself she accused me of picking on her, bullying and being "over the top" because I don't like her eating gluten. She's tried GF alternatives that I buy and she doesn't like all of them. So I won't and can't force her to eat food she doesn't like but I've been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder which I can't help so I feel like I'm doing nothing wrong in just saying that we continue to respect each other as we always have done?

People who don’t get a physical reaction to contamination- it does not mean your body is not being damaged

Also big tip from a coeliac in a house of gluten fiends - toaster bags!

I don't know that it's as a result of faddy gluten-free people, more that her mother may just not "believe" in it, like some people refuse to "believe in" anaphylactic allergies.

That's probably the case but the OP is going to encounter many people in her life who don't believe in, or won't accommodate, allergies and she needs to get into good habits - which includes not relying on other people to keep her safe.

I understand OP. Remember, you are in the adjustment stage to managing a long term condition. Your Mum is being very unreasonable. But sadly you will eventually get to a point where you smile sweetly and carry on, after you’ve been through the anger and sadness phases - people who will understand will be few and far between. But there are lots. In the meantime be firm with those closest to you and get some easy to read sensible information for them.

I bought a new toaster, she's already contaminated it with her white bread.

This is so odd. So there are two toasters on the counter, her original one and your new one and she used yours. What was her reasoning?

We have ended up with two toasters in our kitchen. One is plugged in and ready to go, mine isn't so it can be gluten free. So far no one has mistaken it, it's the oppposite end of the kitchen.
Your Mother is being rediculous, when she says it's cause you don't like gluten, I'd have hit the roof. I bloody love gluten, fresh bread, proper toast, sandwiches when out and about, black pudding, proper gravy granules. I can't eat them no matter how much I love them.
It took my mother ages to get the hang of it when cooking in my kitchen, but she's getting it slowly.
I clean before I make anything for myself just to make sure. It still sucks being Coeliac.

Try buying some toaster bags from home bargains, you pop your GF bread into one to toast to prevent contamination.

Toast bread under the grill (use clean foil to line grill). Or buy toaster pockets. Clean down chopping boards and work surfaces before you start cooking. Keep and label your own jams and margarine (and anything you dip a spoon or knife into really) to avoid cross contamination.

The reality is, you will have to share w clueless people until you can afford a place of your own (after that you can choose to live with people you love who you can train). So you gave to take precautions. But it does eventually get better. My dh and children.are automatically conscious of cross-contamination, using a fresh spoon for things etc And my first ever new kitchen has a gluten bar, rest is gf.

Coeliac disease and gluten intolerance are actually different things. (Although coeliac are also intolerant to gluten.) The physical response to coeliac disease is quite different and is significantly worse than an upset tummy. When you are first diagnosed with coeliac disease, you are usually pretty sick because you are suffering from nutrient malabsorption. This is the most important time to be compliant and to be careful about cross-contamination, as the villi that have been flattened by the autoimmune response, thereby preventing absorption of said nutrients need to heal up again, and the mucous that has been produced excessively in an attempt to protect the gut lining needs to slow down, etc.... General consensus is that this takes a year or more, and blood work will show a return to normal nutritional intake.
In my case, I was not diagnosed until I was 28. People were rarely tested for coeliac disease then. I was only tested because my aunt was diagnosed at 56! I had the hepatiform dermatitis and was severely underweight. My hair was falling out in clumps, my stools were mostly bloody mucus and my teeth were crumbling due to calcium deficiency. I was never one for eating bread, pasta, cakes, biscuits or cereal so the amount of gluten I had in my diet was actually pretty minimal, but that little bit (largely soy sauce, I suspect) was enough to make me very, very sick! It took me a long time to recover, but I have. To this day, if I am fed non-gf soy sauce, it burns my mouth and I spit it out before it does any gut damage. I end up with ulcers in my mouth for days, but it’s better than crapping blood.
While the trend for going gf has made gf food more widely available (thank you) and even made savory options available to us (I never want to eat another orange and almond cake in my life - that seemed like the only thing I could eat at restaurants for all of the Noughties....) I almost want to hand out a medical certificate now so that waiters and kitchen staff don’t spit in my food. I am tending to become quite apologetic about telling them I am coeliac now.

Education is the biggest thing I've found helps but even that doesn't help with some people. Even after my son had to be fed vià a tube because of the consequences of coeliac and some people still felt it was an over reaction regarding contamination.
Have you used toaster bags (they're very useful to stop contamination). Also separate cupboards, separate tubs of butter etc. I got information from the coeliac society for school (made a pack up of useful information and this went through school with him).
Over the 10 years since he was diagnosed eating out has become a lot easier however individuals attitudes are still very mixed perhaps due to the social media surrounding gluten free diets and not the medical conditions.

We can all empathise with how dreadful she is being, but quite frankly it is her house. If she doesn't want to change her behaviour then she doesn't have to.

Time to move out.

DD1 had recently been diagnosed, but the evidence for her coeliac disease has been ignored for over a decade in her case. She had her DF stay with her for several weeks recently and he, despite her life-long severe allergies, ignored her warnings of cross contamination and used her hot air fryer. She was unable to clean it enough and when he left to go to his own place, he took the fryer with him. No offer to replace the item he had ruined for her. He also tried to take her new toaster and on a number of occasions, he was caught just before starting to use it because 'what did it matter?'

It only takes a few moments of thought to keep things gluten free, or allergen free. Ignoring that is appalling behaviour, and I think you will have to find your own place if this continues.

Welcome to the world of having allergies Op, your own family are the worst for completely dismissing it.

Ok, your mum is BU using your toaster that is not on, but you are living in her house and sharing her kitchen, so you need to cut her some slack. My DD has recently turned vegetarian and whilst she said she wouldn't be judgy there are lots of little digs about meat and health etc. if you are early '20s I guess she must be in her '40s thats a long time to be eating gluten and you may well come across as being judgemental to her eating gluten and fair play to her for even trying your bread, I bake my own mostly and the gluten free stuff looks revolting.

As you are an adult it is no longer her responsibility to monitor or closely consider your diet, again I'm assuming here that you are responsible for your own food and if you do eat as a family you probably would be better taking responsibility for your own meals. However its her kitchen, therefore if she wants to leave it like a shit tip thats her choice. She's not deliberately trying to cross contaminate your food, she's just doing what she's always done and habits like that are hard to break.

Its not about her being selfish or unreasonable (except with using your toaster that makes me fuming) If you lived alone and she invited you to dinner, you'd remind her you have to be gluten free and for the few hours of preparation that it took to make that meal, she would be focused on it and probably do a good job. At the moment you're calling her unreasonable for not being able to change a lifetime of habits when your food preparation is not her responsibility. I do get that this can be life threatening for you and I get that her behaviour is very frustrating but I'm sure its not malicious.

Had this been picked up when you were a child I'm sure she would have been very different.

Bloody hell! Those posters saying "but it is herhouse" as if that makes it OK for a mother to subject her daughter to substances that will shorten her life... yes KILL HER EARLY. FFS!

To repeat DarkPassenger's message

Just because you, as a coeliac, show no symptoms/reactions it does not mean your body is not being damaged

DSis was diagnosed 2 years ago, at about 50 years old. We see her once or twice a year and even my DH, grump that he is, can arrange the kitchen so when he cooks she does not get any cross contamination. It's called being an adult, not wanting to hurt peole with your laziness!

I have NCGI and autoimmune issues, and agree that your own family are always the worst for ignoring these things. My ILs have always respected it, though figured it was a fad until they saw my test results and the massive improvement all my levels have had since I went GF. My parents really don't - the good thing there though is my mother is extremely clean so she tends to eradicate a lot of cross contamination that way.

YANBU though, its really not hard to not use a particular board or toaster etc.

If you’ve educated your dm but she continues to put your health at risk I would move out.

No no no @billybagpuss it is not the same as someone who has chosen to go vegetarian - it is a serious medical condition that lots of people don't take seriously because the treatment is the type of food you eat. OP's mum is being negligent and deliberately not taking it seriously. When I was diagnosed my parents did everything to make sure I was safe when I went to their house, my husband took a little longer to make him realise this was not something I was going to get better from, but he's brilliant now. We don't exclude gluten from our kitchen entirely, but we're very careful about where gluten-y stuff goes. Comparing it to a lifestyle choice is frankly offensive - I'd love to go back to eating normal food and not have to think about whether something is safe for me to eat or not very fucking day.

DS2 is coeliac, although not as sensitive as some.
I can't imagine treating it as lightly as your mum does.
I've heard dealing with cross contamination risks likened to radiation poisoning. You can't remove all risks, but by taking precautions you can prevent the daily build up going from a 'safe' level (remembering that no visible symptoms doesn't necessarily mean no harm) to one that tips the balance on the equivalent of a radiation badge turning red when your cumulative dose exceeds limit.

DS2 is coeliac, although not as sensitive as some Please reconsider that! She will be as sensitive, just not as reactive. She is still being damaged by any accidental gluten ingestion, her scilla will be being damaged. She just isn't getting the pain and other reposnses. She is possibly at heightened danger for future problems becaise of that!

billybagpuss would you say the same about someone with a nut allergy? Although not an allergy, being Coeliac is closer to that than it is to deciding you're going to be a vegetarian.

Being coeliac is nothing like choosing to be vegetarian!

you need to take responsibility for accidental use of the toaster for normal bread and keep your toaster in your bedroom when it's not in use.

Or her mum could be a decent human being and NOT use the toaster OP bought to avoid contamination of her GF bread.

You will find people don't understand celiac. Explain that eating gluten could literally kill you in the long run.
My uncle has recently been diagnosed and will suffer kidney damage if he eats even a very small amount of gluten. Take care of yourself.

A friend at uni used to have a serious nut allergy. She kept a separate toaster and microwave in her room. Could this be an option?

Does your mum actually understand coeliac disease? I find it difficult to understand a parent disregarding their children’s health in an uncaring manner so it must be equally hurtful and frustrating for you. Is she aware that food is/was available on prescription for coeliacs? That’s a measure of how seriously it should be taken.

Long term I agree that you probably need your own place but in the meantime maybe it’s worth giving up toast and exploring some other options for food. The best side effect from the ‘trend’ for gluten free is that the options have exploded and it’s much easier to buy from the shops and find recipes online. I’m very non confrontational though and would be leaning towards a solution that just completely swerved the argument.