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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship is over. Where do I start?

31 replies

Take33 · 09/07/2019 08:29

After 10 years, children, a home together(in his name) I’m going to view a house to rent on Friday.
I’m dreading it. I’ve not lived in my own for 10 years. I’ve been a SAHM so not really had to worry about Bills, etc. I’m scared I’ve forgotten how to manage money! I’m going to be in benefits too. Love living hand to mouth. Certainly haven’t missed that!
I’m going to have to share my beautiful children. It will kill me not waking up to them every day. I feel so broken, but I won’t show any weakness to ex. He’s in bits

OP posts:
sar302 · 09/07/2019 08:34

I'm sorry, that's really crappy 😕

Not sure about the other bits, but with regards to managing money, make sure you have at least two bank accounts - and bills and a spending.

Work out the cost of all your bills, and make sure there is enough money in that bills account to cover them, plus a little extra if you can. Set everything to come out by direct debit and then NEVER take cash out of that account. Then you know as a minimum all your bills are covered and then everything else is yours.

Get someone to help you (CAB maybe?) with your benefit claim, to make sure you get everything you're entitled to.

Best of luck

Original poster
Take33 · 09/07/2019 08:36

Thank you sar302. That’s really good advice

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 09/07/2019 08:44

It sounds as though you and your ex are both really suffering.
Good luck with the house. You’ll get used to the money very soon but write a budget and stick to it. If you can open a credit union account and put something into it every week - even if just a few £. It soon adds up and will help you in times of need.
You will both be feeling the same over the children- it will becomes easier
Good luck

omione · 09/07/2019 08:50

Use the gov.uk benefit calculator it will tell you everything that you are entitled to. As for sharing your children never forget that he is their Dad and they still love him, they need to see him. Use the days he has them to do child free activities or to just chill. It is all very new just now but soon it will be normal. You will get there just allow yourself time to grieve for the life you had.

Original poster
Take33 · 09/07/2019 09:27

Aside from a roof over my head and financial ‘security’ the life I had wasn’t that great. I was very much taken for granted and invisible. Only now, his ‘true’(?) emotion has come out. It’s all too late now

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 09/07/2019 09:41

Presumably as you raised children in the house and gave up your career to do so you would have a claim to some equity in the house?

Original poster
Take33 · 09/07/2019 09:55

I doubt it... I was a single parent when we met. He’s always thought he ‘saved’ me from a life of poverty!!
He built the house we live in now. Doubt I’ll have any claim to it at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Take33 · 09/07/2019 09:56

Obviously I was raising our children while he was working on this house and I used a significant chunk of inheritance to subsidise our life whilst he was in the brink of bankruptcy

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 09/07/2019 10:18

You need to get independent legal advice. If you had children with him, weren’t working etc then you definitely have a claim

justmyview · 09/07/2019 10:22

@Provincialbelle I don't think you can say to OP that if she and her ex had children together and she was a SAHM, then she "definitely" has a claim. OP hasn't even said which country she lives in........

Provincialbelle · 09/07/2019 10:26

Well ok not definitely but as I said she needs to seek independent legal advice

Original poster
Take33 · 09/07/2019 12:36

I’m in the uk. I’m pretty naive and have no idea how all this works

OP posts:
Original poster
Take33 · 09/07/2019 12:39

What do you mean by ‘claim’?

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 09/07/2019 15:58

Speak to a solicitor - the first 30 mins are free - to get advice on whether or not your prior living arrangements give rise to a claim on your ex’s property.

Beesandcheese · 09/07/2019 16:08

I am unclear why you are moving out. Have you already made an agreement as to financial settlement? It is very difficult but better to not make any hasty decisions with regard to finances. Were or are you married? That would have a bearing on financial assets.
It is unfortunate when someone's true colors turn out to be shit brown, and obviously the effects of the loss of the relationship and betrayal make the process very hard. Remaining as cool as possible takes its toll but hopefully will get you to a free and settled future more efficiently!
Finding a friend who you can vent to about all the crappy things that will come up is really useful. Legal advice is also golden.

Original poster
Take33 · 09/07/2019 16:45

We’re not married... engaged, wedding booked, but not married

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 09/07/2019 16:50

Op you need to speak to a solicitor urgently. We cannot advise on here. Make an appointment some offer 30 mins free otherwise you will have to pay. It will be financially worth it.

shadowblue · 09/07/2019 17:04

Even if we were qualified to do so, you haven't given enough detail (as is sensible and your right!) for us to advise you accurately.

Don't make assumptions - take legal advice, preferably from more than one source before you decide on a course of action. Rights of Women is one option for such advice.

Who instigated this split if you're moving out and he's crying it up?

sonjadog · 09/07/2019 17:05

The first 30 minutes with a solicitor are free in the UK?! Is that really true? I would double check with the firm before making an appointment, OP.

sonjadog · 09/07/2019 17:06

But yes, you should definitely get legal advice.

justchecking1 · 09/07/2019 17:07

If you weren't married you may be right in that you don't have a claim to anything that isn't in your name, unfortunately. Still worth checking with a solicitor though, and you can still claim child maintenance for any children that are his

justchecking1 · 09/07/2019 17:09

@sonjadog I always thought the free solicitor thing was an urban myth too, but DP has just been to court for a child arrangement order and I can confirm it is actually true! Probably not all solicitors for all cases though

MarieG10 · 09/07/2019 17:11

@Provincialbelle
You need to get independent legal advice. If you had children with him, weren’t working etc then you definitely have a claim

They were not married. It is exceptionally difficult to establish any claim at all, especially on the house

The old story I'm afraid. Being a common law spouse gives no rights at all. See a lawyer but once past the initial appointment she will be paying out circa £250-£300 per hour or more in the south with not much hope of success

Provincialbelle · 09/07/2019 17:14

Ok as everyone has emphasised, get advice. No one here is able to do so. Try citizens advice if you can’t afford a lawyer, they might be able to help you in other respects too

Spidey66 · 09/07/2019 17:20

You do not get 30 minutes free advice from a solicitor, it's an urban myth. Some may offer it but it's not across the board. Best get advice from the CAB, they maybe able to direct you to where you can get free/cheap legal advice.