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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to challenge a comment about DD on social media

51 replies

Zeusthemoose · 09/07/2019 08:11

This is just a quick question asking for advice please.
My DD is 11 - someone has told her a girl she knows from a different school has been saying really unkind things about her on a group WhatsApp group. It's really knocked her confidence. So I'm thinking of contacting this girls Mum. Is this the right thing to do or at this age do you stand back a bit and just teach kids to bat this kind of away and not waste energy on it? There's no background between the girls or reason I'm aware of why she's doing this.

OP posts:
Crazyisascrazydoes · 09/07/2019 08:13

How bad is it? Can the bullying bleed into real life? Why is she in a WhatsApp grp with this girl? Can she leave the WhatsApp without it affecting other friendships?

IceRebel · 09/07/2019 08:16

Have you seen the comments, or is it just a case of Chinese whispers?

newmomof1 · 09/07/2019 08:16

It depends who the other girl is, what's being said and who it's being said to.

francescadrake · 09/07/2019 08:17

What sort of comment?

CitadelsofScience · 09/07/2019 08:18

That depends on the comment. I intervened on one occasion when my dd was that age.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 09/07/2019 08:20

Since when has WhatsApp been social media? It's no different to texting. It also has an age limit of 16. Take your daughter off of it.

Original poster
Zeusthemoose · 09/07/2019 08:22

No my DD isn't on the group chat - it is a bit of Chinese whispers but 2 people have confirmed what she's said. It's someone from her old school that is badmouthing her to some of her friends in her new school. It's odd because they weren't really friends when they went to school together and she hasn't seen her for months. I think it's upset her because she's tried really hard to make friends in her new school and now this person is saying remarks to her new friends like everyone hated her in her old school and what an idiot she was etc....
I just wondered if I waded in would I make things worse but I'm upset about it too. It seems so.mean and uncalled for.

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 09/07/2019 08:23

Depending on whats been said, you run the risk of making your daughter alaughign stock by getting involved.

Far better to teach her to be resilient, rise above. Bullies only bully when they get a response, and your interferance will be the biggest and best response they could hope for.

francescadrake · 09/07/2019 08:24

Maybe I would actually. They’re only 11. Have a word with the mum.

francescadrake · 09/07/2019 08:24

Or the dad.

MyOpinionIsValid · 09/07/2019 08:26

Ok seen your update - its all very third hand.

So your daughter isnt in the group but her 'friends' are running tales, repeating these comments. These are not 'friends' and it begs the question why they are stirring up trouble. The answer is >head tilt< "Why are you telling me this? Im not interested" ad infinitum.

OliviaCat · 09/07/2019 08:26

I would talk to your daughter about how to cope with it.

I feel I had actual screenshots, I would show the girl's mother (and I did this at that age) but without that, she is likely to be uninterested and won't believe you anyway.

francescadrake · 09/07/2019 08:29

This is why kids get away with bullying. Parents intent on “staying out of it” are actually exposing their children to the Hunger Games online.

Original poster
Zeusthemoose · 09/07/2019 08:30

MyOpinionIsValid
That's very much how I've handled it so far. I've always taught my DD you can't control what people say just how you react to it. This has pissed me off though.....I feel like going on the warpath but probably wouldn't help!

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 09/07/2019 08:31

You have any hard evidence? Or just whispers from others? If former - I would speak to mum/dad. If latter - I would speak to daughter and help her instead. I was bullied mercilessly in school - no one intervened - that was a mistake.

KittiesInsane · 09/07/2019 08:32

According to DS, the most effective response is to snort and say, ‘Yeah right, just the sort of thing he/she WOULD say.’

Never get into an argument about whether they’re right or wrong.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/07/2019 08:33

No its not up to op to teach her dd to be resilient. I hate when people say that. No one has a free pass to bully anyone regardless of how unresilient they are.
Why should the victim change. Angry
Not only that, but You can't teach resilience. Its either in them or its not, and No bullies don't only bully when they get a response.
I'd speak to the school, op.

Original poster
Zeusthemoose · 09/07/2019 08:34

KittiesInsane
I like that response

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 09/07/2019 08:40

Teach your DD a few stock responses.

“Old stink knickers? She’s always talking about other people.”
“She’s always saying stuff like that.”
“Ah well, the 5 minutes she’s spent moaning about me is 5 minutes she’s not talking about someone else”

FuriousVexation · 09/07/2019 08:43

OP do you know the mum personally, did your DDs use to hang out? If so I would probably have a word, in a very non confrontational way. Because if my DC was behaving like that, I'd want to know about it.

If you don't know her personally then it's a bit trickier, but I'd probably guide my DD towards handling it herself rather than me wading in and potentially embarassing her to a far greater degree.

newmomof1 · 09/07/2019 08:53

I think the best approach is to what your response would be if this situation was reversed. If your DD was saying nasty things about this girl, would you want to know?

JemSynergy · 09/07/2019 09:13

If I knew the mother then yes I would let her know. I'd want to know if my child was behaving like this as I wouldn't tolerate it. However, I'd want to see evidence of the messages first and make a judgement on the content and context. I don't think I'd want to go round making accusations from second hand information.

SoonerthanIthought · 09/07/2019 09:35

Oh that is very tricky, and also very upsetting for your dd.

If the other dc is at your dc's school you can take it up with them but that obviously doesn't help in this case. Usual advice on mn is that taking it up with parents is a bad idea - won't help and may make things worse, though obviously it always depends on the parent and the situation! I'm fairly certain that if as a dparent I found out my dc was doing this I'd tell them to stop immediately - but am aware from mn that this may not always be the case.

Citadel when you did intervene did things improve?

Original poster
Zeusthemoose · 09/07/2019 09:36

Thanks for all the advice. A friend of mine DS is in the group. She monitors his phone very closely and will have a look for me later so I know exactly what's been said. Based on that I may contact the girls Mum.
I'd definitely want to know if my DD was behaving this way so I could nip it in the bud. At this age they need guidance how to navigate these social apps. I will also have a chat again with DD how to deal with these kinds of comments and use some of the suggestions given. I feel much better about the whole thing now Smile

OP posts:
babysharkah · 09/07/2019 09:42

DH is a teacher in secondary school and was saying that this sort of thing is rife, there have been some really serious incidences of bullying. I'd be tempted to tell the school and let them deal with it, even if it's not the school your daughter attends.