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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to challenge a comment about DD on social media

51 replies

Zeusthemoose · 09/07/2019 08:11

This is just a quick question asking for advice please.
My DD is 11 - someone has told her a girl she knows from a different school has been saying really unkind things about her on a group WhatsApp group. It's really knocked her confidence. So I'm thinking of contacting this girls Mum. Is this the right thing to do or at this age do you stand back a bit and just teach kids to bat this kind of away and not waste energy on it? There's no background between the girls or reason I'm aware of why she's doing this.

OP posts:
francescadrake · 09/07/2019 09:46

Absolute madness, giving kids this young phones.

Madcats · 09/07/2019 09:47

WhatsApp chat groups involving pre-teen kids are like vipers nests. It is so easy for a simple remark/harmless remark to grow into something really mean and hurtful.

DD's school were very hot on cyber-bulling and expected parents to support this at home. This includes taking a quick look at messages from time to time.
Luckily we know most of the parents well enough to be able to drop them a line to say "you might want to look at ABC's WhatsApp about XYZ" and have a word with them.

I would contact a parent of one of the 'helpful' messengers and ask them to take a look.

Divebar · 09/07/2019 09:56

Irrespective of whether you report or not you do need to give your DD some tools to deal with it. I would find some response that she can fire back at her so called new friends when they repeat this stuff to her. It’s got to have a little bit of an eye roll / dismissive tone about it and she’s got to appear unfazed. “ who said that? Lol. I don’t even know who that is” and then change the subject - no forensic analysis of she said / he said. Totally faking it until you make it. That doesn’t mean you’re not upset but standing there looking distressed actually only shows how vulnerable you are to malicious comments. ( NB I would be tempted to say something a bit stronger than that back like “ Oh yeah her..... I only know her as Pissy Pants Mildred on account of her wetting her knickers on the school trip” but that might be a touch to far for some people). The reassurance etc can happen with you and the family after the event but the aim is to suck out all the drama of the telling / re telling.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/07/2019 10:01

Contact the mother or father. This sort of thing has the potential to spiral and you might actually end up with a highly anxious, nervous and stressed daughter in a misguided attempt to build resilience over this particular issue.

Fibbke · 09/07/2019 10:07

I wouldn't let an 11 year old have a whatsapp group. But when something like this happened to dd1 at 13 I did send a copy to the offending girls mum. It was particularly nasty though. The mum was mortified and 6 years later the girls are quite friendly with each other!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/07/2019 10:22

My advice would be that if pupils in the school your DD is attending are receiving messages on WhatsApp from pupils of the school your DD did attend, then I'd make sure that the teachers in the school your DD does attend know about it. It could be seen to be a form of bullying if it continues and the messages are unpleasant in their content.

I would also give your DD some stock phrases to come out with so that she can brush off the nasty comments being posted about her. Some of the posts above mine have good suggestions.

MissDollyMix · 09/07/2019 10:37

None of these children are old enough to be on whatsapp. I'd have a word with the school/s and ask them to organise a refresher chat on responsible use of technology. My DS school organised something similar recently after incidents, with the help of the local police and it was very effective.
If you can also get screenshots then I would also be tempted to speak to the parents of this child.

Scorpiovenus · 09/07/2019 10:39

She kinda needs to strand up for herself

they need to learn the world isn't as soft and fluffy as you sometimes think

IHateUncleJamie · 09/07/2019 10:49

At this age they need guidance how to navigate these social apps.

No, at this age they only need a phone when they’re out without an adult. My dd’s first phone couldn’t even browse the internet.

They don’t need social media or chat groups because they’re not mature enough to use them responsibly. There’s a reason why apps like this have a minimum age and IMO parents who bypass this or let their children bypass it are irresponsible.

Also, at present this is third hand gossip. The “friends” who are spreading it are not very good “friends”.

Cheeserton · 09/07/2019 10:51

Agree with a previous poster. It's a messaging service, not social media.

Fibbke · 09/07/2019 10:53

It allows the creation of private chat groups.

manicinsomniac · 09/07/2019 11:00

No, at this age they only need a phone when they’re out without an adult. My dd’s first phone couldn’t even browse the internet

They don’t need social media or chat groups because they’re not mature enough to use them responsibly. There’s a reason why apps like this have a minimum age and IMO parents who bypass this or let their children bypass it are irresponsible

100% agree with this.

Kids using group chats is a recipe for disaster and so unnecessary.

Worst thing in this case is that the OP's daughter isn't even using wattsap herself and is still suffering due to the decisions of other parents.

Out of school social media bullying causes a good 75% of the pastoral issues we have to deal with at school, I would say. They're usually perfectly nice to each other face to face!

manicinsomniac · 09/07/2019 11:02

cheeserton - it is social media because of the group chat element and the ease with which you can share photos and videos to large numbers of people at the same time. In essence it's very little different to something like instagram if you're on a big enough group. Plenty of people are on groups with all the other parents from a whole school year group for example.

Fibbke · 09/07/2019 11:04

Out of school social media bullying causes a good 75% of the pastoral issues we have to deal with at school, I would say. They're usually perfectly nice to each other face to face!

Yes our state secondary said its more like 95 percent

notbloodylikely · 09/07/2019 11:05

Similar situation happened here, you can do nothing without real evidence. However, you can tell the school, my DD was quite badly affected and it changed her behaviour and attitude at school while it was happening.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/07/2019 11:08

I'd contact the parents. If my DD was doing this I'd like to know, do you know the parents? Are they approachable, at 11 I think you should have her back, that is really nasty of the other girl, I'd be very annoyed if DD done this or was on the receiving end of it.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/07/2019 11:23

Actually thinking about it, can you get DD to message this girl first, if it is not true it may be awkward if you've approached the parents.
It may be the girls at her new school spreading a rumour. DD is nearly 11 I am dreading when she starts SM and wats app.

Cheeserton · 09/07/2019 11:36

Nope. Group chat isn't the same as social media. Nor are email groups, for example. It's lazy conflation.

BeardyButton · 09/07/2019 11:41

I am usually very 'get involved', and also critical of resilience in general. But... I m not so sure w this one.

I think, to a certain extent, kids have to be taught the fine line between knowing they cannot control what others say about them and knowing when that has bled into bullying. If its a couple of comments on a closed whatsapp group, then i think counseling your dd to shrug her shoulders and not dwell too much is the right response. Its not so much 'not giving a rise' as to know, in life some people are jst going to dislike you. You cant control that. If her sense of self is tied to the idea that everyone must like her, then these yrs are going to be very difficult for her. Sure its rude of other girl to vouce this, but your dd cant control that either.

If its a concerted effort to demean dd or tarnish her character, thats a different story.

Wodkavodka · 09/07/2019 12:03

Try to get the screen shots otherwise the girl and probably her parents will deny it. Once you've got the screen shots then yes you should take this further.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 09/07/2019 12:27

I think those saying that the answer is to not allow smartphones / certain apps miss the fact that in a lot of cases that in itself could lead to bullying. Also, it could be quite isolating, if all socialising, and general chitchat about homework etc, happens or is organised over WhatsApp (or whatever) then your dc could well be locked out. It definitely isn’t easy at this age!
I agree that your dd has been given some good ideas for stock phrases on this thread.

Fibbke · 09/07/2019 12:38

Nope. Group chat isn't the same as social media. Nor are email groups, for example. It's lazy conflation

Ok Cheeserton, you carry on being pedantic but its a way for children to chat to each other out of sight of parents. That's great when they are mature enough to use it properly, they aren't often that mature at 11.

Oblomov19 · 09/07/2019 12:54

Get a screenshot from another parent. Without evidence you've got nothing.

Talk to your DD about how to deal with these kind of things generally.

WhoWants2Know · 09/07/2019 13:58

I would certainly get evidence first, but then I would be more inclined to contact the old school than the parents directly.

FinallyHere · 09/07/2019 14:37

Far better to teach her to be resilient, rise above. Bullies only bully when they get a response, and your interferance will be the biggest and best response they could hope for.

this ^ wot MyOpinionIsValid said

and KittiesInsane 's even more useful

According to DS, the most effective response is to snort and say, ‘Yeah right, just the sort of thing he/she WOULD say.’
*
Never get into an argument about whether they’re right or wrong.*

and, of course, Christine Keeler's "he would say that, wouldn't he?"

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