My wedding was shit, aibu feeling like this?

[catbynature]

With our first anniversary approaching I'm feeling all down again. We got married last year and it was sooo stressful. Firstly I had my sd 13 tell me she hated me 2 weeks before, it came as a shock and I was really upset. Then my husband to be just one week before the wedding had a heart attack and was in hospital having heart surgery. Against my better judgment we didn't cancel it, the drs said he would make it, the money we had spent was ridiculous, so it was hard to cancel.
My dad died the Xmas before and my mum died 2 years before that. Then my sister who has always let me down in the past said she wasn't coming because her dp couldn't make it 🤷‍♀️. I was devastated. I had a few family members there but people I wasn't really close to. I felt sad on the day but kept smiling. It also decided to rain allllll day, we had that fantastic summer and it was one of the only days it rained and rained!
My husband obviously wasn't himself he was tired and it wasn't the day it was supposed to be as I just wanted to get him through it and look after him. He managed to make a speech but and I know he was ill but I just felt he didn't mention me at all . Yeh I know that sounds selfish and at the time I don't think I thought too much but now it's just another horrible memory. We had to cancel our honeymoon as he couldn't fly, I said to him we have all our life to go don't worry but now it's just another thing on top.
We've had an up and down year with his health and mine suffered too tbh. He has been tired and not feeling great so he has been so moody not his fault but I'm just saying it's been tough!

Surely though I should be grateful he's still alive we had a nice day ish it's just one day it's the marriage that's the important bit right! But no I don't feel like that.... why? And AIBU!!!!

But the truth of the matter is if I asked you if the only way you could get married was in a card board box wearing a bin bag and no reception after, but you would be married to your husband would you do it? If the answer is yes then trust me you got all you ever wanted on that day

Snooky84 is right (though I can see how you would have felt bad, OP, after everything that happened to you and your DH/family). If DP were to propose (which he won't), I'd be straight there in my bin-bag.

Thank you, I thought you would all just think I was being selfish and ungrateful, that's kind of how I feel. I think the renewal of wows sounds like something I might want to do, maybe just us 2 I'm not sure but you've all made me at least think about it. Nothing fancy though. It's hard to get the time together with 4 kids between us etc.
Btw I totally understand about my sd things are much better now, but it was so upsetting at the time as I'd been in my step children's life for 8 years. Of course I get it 13 is a difficult age for anyone.

My sister and I text each other but our relationship is strained which upsets me as I hoped we'd be closer after our parents died. Would I want her at our renewal ceremony if we did it ..... I'm not sure! I think if I asked her she's let me down again. This is my 2nd marriage and she didn't come to that one either .

Sorry to hear about your wedding day disaster!.However as someone else said, its just that really, a day in a whole life of other days .Can you maybe get away just for a weekend ?.I realise that with 4 children its probably not easy, but even 1 or 2 nights at a country hotel or somewhere boutique by the beach, or wherever would give you a break and a whole new outlook on Anniversaries at least .A Renewal ceremony would be good ,a chance to wear a pretty dress ,have some relatives/friends (keep it small)! maybe a nice cake of your choosing .An eternity ring if you can afford it?

Have you thought about having a little blessing ceremony - just the two of you or the family (if that's what you want)?

We had a blessing for our 10th anniversary. We didn't tell anyone. It was just me, DH and our DS. We arranged for a photographer to take some photos (he was known to our vicar so it was no problem). We had the blessing in an intimate part of the church - no one but us. And it was beautiful.

We had a lovely wedding - we were lucky. But that blessing is the thing I will remember most of all. It made us focus on the important thing - each other - rather than the day, the dress, the guests and all the things that make up a wedding. But those things don't make up a marriage.

Many local churches will do a blessing for a donation, others charge a fee. We had a reading and prayers, reaffirmed our vows, which included our DS this time as he was only 7 years old, which was nice.

It may be a way to get something lovely from a fraught day and move you both forward with nice memories. Then, if the money is still there, have your honeymoon as a getaway for your anniversary.

A lovely weekend away for your anniversary would be special and a chance to build new memories around your wedding day.

Just read your post about having something with just the two of you. If you're not looking at a weekend renewal/blessing, many churches can arrange it at short notice. You don't need 'official' stuff like you do for a wedding and, if you want it on your anniversary which may well be a week day, most churches are empty then.

We just went for a nice meal after our one. No cake, nothing fancy, just us - me in my best frock and DH and DS in a suit. But you can go in jeans if you want to. There are no rules with a blessing - it's your time.

YANBU at all!

Get better both of you, then plan either a vow renewal, or a big party to celebrate and a honeymoon.

You tend to invite the people you have to for a wedding, for a party you can stick with friends and loved ones only.

If kids can spend a fortune on ridiculous proms these days, you can sure make the most of a wedding celebration for you!

This reminds me of Sex and the City when Carrie has to remind Charlotte, "You already had the perfect wedding, and the marriage—not so perfect. I think this is a good sign. I think the worse the wedding, the better the marriage."

Sorry you had such a crap day, it sounds like a 'perfect storm' of all horrible things colliding at once.

Could you and DH just sneak off somewhere, the two of you, and renew your vows? It doesn't have to be lots of people; it doesn't have to be loads of stress. It's supposed to be about the two of you, not everyone else.

(Maybe involve SD though, if it will help to continue to improve relations?)

PS: Happy anniversary!

Sorry, cross post. If you have 4 kids between you, obv include them all!

You definitely are NBU that sounds like a complete let down!! The heart attack on top of your devastation at what your SD said with your DSis not bothering to come, no wonder you just got through the day!! BUT, the show went on, you are now married, relationships are better and you can plan something either with just your DH or with people who have stood the test of time and were there for you. Try not to dwell on it. My wedding was amazing but not the happiest day of my life as my DM died in the week before the wedding. That show also went on as it was definitely what she would have wanted and was the wedding she knew about, I wouldn't have had the heart to organise another one. Sorry not trying to make this about me, just trying to say you are not alone in a wedding not being perfect xx

I don't blame you at all for feeling upset, sounds like a stressful day.

It doesn't help that weddings are sold to women as the 'happiest day of your life'.

What about renewing your vows? you could time it maybe for next year the next anniversary, it will give you better memories :)

@catbynature I can totally relate to you, and have similar feelings.
I fell out with my sister over the date we booked as she wanted to reserve a six month period for her to later choose her wedding date 🙄 I said to her I'm not cancelling our wedding unless she could tell me the date she wanted, to which I would book ours after as she felt I would 'steal her thunder' she never had a date or venue or anything, she just wanted to marry first...so that ended in an almighty argument between us and some quite nasty things being said.

Then MIL through a fit and told us if we don't invite her sisters (husband didn't want them there as never sees them) then she wouldn't forgive him and gave him such a hard time over it, she even said she would pay for them to be there 🙈 he gave in, and I had to support him as his wedding too....then MIL told us our food choice was 'shit' and we need to make menu 'posher' in other words to impress sisters!

Husband hasn't seen one of his friends for 2.5 years before, so decided he wouldn't be his best man, this friend went mental!! They argued so bad over it and the friend refused to come to the wedding at all unless best man....husband explained that he still classed him as a friend, but they were not close anymore due to life changes, and this friend never even congratulated him on our engagement, which really upset husband. So that was hanging over us too!!

The weeks leading up to the wedding my gran took a turn for the worse. I was very close to grandparents, they lived next door to me my whole life, saw them every day, holidays every year together etc she was adamant she was going to make my wedding!! The hospital told me I would need to bring wedding forward to allow this...we just couldn't do it...the venue wasn't available sooner, so would lose money there, the registra wasn't available to do the wedding, my dress wouldn't be ready etc...if we were able to move wedding forward we would, and would of lost all spent already, but the decision was out of our hands. My Gran passed away 3 days before my wedding day.

On the day I missed my own ceremony due to traffic being horrendous due to a lego tour 🙈 we left 45 early, knowing the route takes 10 mins, but I was late by half hour. Luckily the registra still married us, but was a massive rush, readings cut out, music not played, vows rushed etc.
This then caused us to be late for the venue after, so photos were rushed and they aren't that great at all, loads missing that I will never get back.

I look back, and like you feel it was crap, and not the day I dreamt of at all...I've asked husband if we can have a blessing, so that we can make it the day we wanted and get the pictures we wanted and have the food we wanted....
Could you maybe do something like that? It doesn't have to be expensive....

I didn’t enjoy my wedding either OP. Although I feel sorry for the others on this thread, it’s actually making me feel slightly better reading the replies to know that I’m not alone.

It was one of the most stressful difficult days I’ve ever had. Even the photographer said she felt sorry for me. But I’d be here all day if I told the whole story.

I think a renewal in a few years might be a good idea?

Yanbu.

If you can plan something with just you both to reaffirm what you both went through and you're both out (relatively) the other side which is a true testament as your dedication to your lives and love for each other as husband and wife. You can't change what happened but you can change your reaction to it.

YANBU. I had a bad dream once that I had a wedding that was arranged quickly and a low-key affair and then in my dream I got really bad wedding remorse and I woke up in shock

It shouldn't mean anything as the vows are what counts, but it does. It's like anything that is one thing for the majority - if you are the minority who didn't experience it in the same way it can really mess with you. We are social creatures - if you can't wax lyrical about your wedding like the rest of your friends it can feel very alienating.

I agree with WellErrr that you should probably arrange a vow renewal and try to have the wedding you didn't get to enjoy. Not on the same scale, but with a honeymoon type holiday afterwards, or a special one with your DCs. Make sure your flaky sister knows you are doing this partly for your mental well-being and if she backs out it will really upset you.

That sounds awful.
You were double bereaved. I didn't even begin to feel like myself and to feel happy until 5 years after my Mum died and just as I felt like everything was going well my Dad died.
It's hideous and you had both parents die within a year of each other. The loss of the second parent leaves you as an orphan - alone in the world and the "adult" as it were. It's a huge adjustment. Then your husband had his heart attack as well so no wonder the wedding wasn't that great.
I would suggest slowly building yourself up again - learn to laugh and have fun again. Work on your health. Enjoy the time with your husband and all of the children. Your sister sounds flaky - so don't place hopes on her turning up to this, that or the other. Enjoy the time with her should she turn up - and if not, don't let it get to you. Build up other friendships.

When you and husband are both on an even keel (and it could take you another 3 - 4 years to really work through your bereavement) think about having a belated honeymoon somewhere - and maybe renew your vows at the same time - just the two of you. You could maybe choose the same place as the original honeymoon or somewhere completely different. You could start saving now so you are working towards something special.

I wish you all the best. The double bereavement really touched me. You've been through so much.

Sorry I cross posted a lot.

The main thing is that you are both well and happy in the relationship.
I agree with others about designing a personal and special re-newal (without the sd!!)

The idea of having a small party on wedding anniversary is a great one. Make new memories. Alternatively renew vows and go on a great honeymoon also a great idea. I would go with one of those.

Your honeymoon had to be cancelled so I would rebook that somewhere lovely for your 1st anniversary and have a private beach ceremony with just the two of you. You don't need to tell anyone about it beforehand so no one can interfere. Have a lovely time op

I wouldn't bother with a second gathering for a vow renewal. It would just put more pressure on you. Your vows have been made so there's really no need to do that again. What you should be aiming for is a trip away for the 2 of you, somewhere that you can both relax and completely wind down after a tough year and not have to consider anyone else but yourselves for the week (or better still, 2 weeks). Find someone who can take the kids (are all the kids from previous marriages? If so then coordinate their holiday access with their other parent if possible. Hopefully if you have a child together you will have someone to mind them).

As for your sister, losing your parents wasn't necessarily going to bring you closer. Dh hasn't spoken to his sibling since his parents died and most likely will never speak to her again. So try to focus on the happiness you have within your family unit and the relationships you have with your friends.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.. if it was me i would plan a blessing abroad on a lovely beach followed by a beautiful dinner at sunset either just the two of you or take all the kids so is just your family. Maybe get the kids to help you plan!

I woud just concentrate on you both getting well again for now. You have been through so much and haven't had the start to marriage you envisioned.

It is very hard when your DH is ill and feeling angry/worried about his health and you are caring and worrying and getting tired and low too, everything can seem like a black cloud. Due to everything being focused on his health you probably aren't feeling very cherished or loved (and the lack of mention in the speech seems another indicator of this in your present state of mind). You just have to keep the faith and try to keep going and hope for better times ahead.