To only feed toddler at set times

[WhenZogateSuperworm]

DS (2.9) is a serial snacker. He grazes all day long and then doesn’t eat much dinner. He is also quite fussy with food.

He is obsessed with snacks, constantly saying he is hungry and needs a snack. It’s the cause of most of his tantrums. He will go to the fridge and help himself to yogurts and fruit then scream when I do let him eat them. If we go out he will cling to me refusing to play or join in just pleading for snacks.

AIBU to start offering food at set times during the day only. I am considering only allowing him to eat at the dinner table rather than his little table in the lounge and to buy a clock with the eating items drawn on.

I am planning on breakfast 7am, snack at 10am, lunch at 12pm, snack at 2:30pm and dinner at 5:30pm. No snacks outside of these times.

I also want to change the type of snack he has so that it’s more savoury and do something like toast, cheese sticks and fruit. At the minute he likes to snack on yogurts, boxes of raisins, biscuits and soreen banana loaves!

Does that sound reasonable? I don’t want to deny him food, but it’s taking over my life and I’m about to have 6 weeks of him at home with me rather than in part time childcare!

Sounds absolutely fine, I look after a 2 year old and she has the same pattern of meals and snacks.

Sounds fine to me and actually given me some good advice for when my 6 month old becomes that age.

Where did this whole snacking culture come from though?? I'm 30 and we never ate/weren't allowed to between meals when I was little. Why does society think it's a necessity now?

I suggest you read Sarah ockwell Smith's guide to gentle eating. Grazing is a very natural way for toddlers to eat. I suggest a grazing box full of healthy foods (her book has some suggestions) and worry less about meals.
Would you like it if someone told you you could only eat at set times no matter if you were hungry then or not?

What's his weight like? DS is borderline underweight, so we are less strict than that - some kids do need to eat little and often. However, additional food is a 2nd version of the last meal - so e.g. he can have 2nd breakfast at 8.30 but it is just breakfast food. Similarly, between lunch and dinner he only gets one snack but can have more lunch. We are also pretty strict on what snacks are allowed - at home it's fruit, crackers or crisps (once a day) during the week.

Sounds reasonable to me. My daughter is also 2 and has a similar eating routine, although sometimes we miss the afternoon snack if shes had a good lunch.

I'm often hungry myself about 90 mins after breakfast and I eat a big breakfast! I think the overall intention is okay but 7 - 10 can be a long time to go without food so you could have a genuinely hungry, uncomfortable and upset child on your hands. I also think grazing is quite natural. Perhaps you could be less rigid to find the balance between genuine hunger and habit

I think it's fine to restrict the type of snacks to healthy options but I don't think it's a good idea to stick to such strict times - I think most adults would struggle with an eating timetable.

Raisins and biscuits aren't good snacks, although I'd happily eat them all day long!

Sounds like a good idea to me OP.

I don’t think there is any harm in this. I would perhaps be a little flexible on the morning snack time, depending on how much he has eaten for breakfast. 3.5 hours could be a long time on some days.

I have two boys and they are completely different in terms of food preferences. Eldest will eat three good meals a day, rarely asks for a snack. Youngest will graze all day long. I have an approved snack list on the fridge things like cheese, crackers, toast, veg sticks, hummus that he can ask for. He still eats meals but much smaller amounts. I think it is just his personality.

My kids are 1.5hrs and 2.5yrs and follow the same mealtime routine which is pretty much this:

8ish - breakfast
10ish - small snack
11:30-12ish. Lunch
3ish - small snack
5:30-6pm - dinnertime

Sometimes they eat, sometimes they don't. Depends if they're hungry or not. I don't pander to fussiness. If they don't want to eat that's fine, but they're not plied with snack upon snack until their next meal.

Ultimately it's whatever you feel best and most comfortable with. Is there any issue with your little ones weight? Does he generally have a balanced diet? Why does the lack of eating a meal at dinner time bother you?

Nope. If my kids are asking for food I feed them. Even if it’s 30 mins before tea time! BUT it’s always healthy food or leftovers from lunch etc so then I don’t mind if they don’t eat as much of their next meal.

My DM brought me up with weird issues and rules around food and I had an eating disorder so I never want food to be a battle ground with my DC. I want them to have a healthy happy relationship with food and one that they feel in control of. They eat healthily 90% of the time with occasional treats (chips, crisps, ice cream etc) as I don’t think entirely restricting those sorts of food is a good idea - it doesn’t give them any self control or self regulation ability.

But the rest of the time we don’t have junk food in the house so they only have healthy food to eat anyway.

If he’s asking for food he’s probably hungry - he’s a growing boy! Unless he’s massively overweight??

My DC are very healthy weight/height and active etc so I don’t worry about food intake. Sometimes my 4 year old eats more than me!

I think I read somewhere that you can outwit them by giving them "real food" at snack time and snack food at mealtimes. So a mini tuna sandwich with cucumber and carrot stick and baby bel, or humus and carrot sticks (can be softly cooked) at 10.30 and a plain yoghurt and banana and a few raisins at lunch!

Annabel Karmel has a lovely tuna bake with crisps on top btw...

Looking back my children always ended up with five meals a day one way or another. As long as you keep the spacing, it is better than having a screaming child at 5 oclock demanding biscuits just before suppertime at 6

Chewing regulates the brain (It actually increases the blood supply to the brain, and helps concentration and focus) so your son may be craving chewing munching activities which is why he is tantrumming for snacks. He feels he needs something. Sucking can also do the same thing with brain regulation..what about letting him such milk with a straw or water with a straw in closed beaker, or perhaps a chewy toy. Children often use words like hungry to mean they feel uncomfortable or bored in some way, perhaps some distraction activities, dancing singing reading a book cuddling a soft toy might be a sensory replacement for chewing, eating? Rather like small children wake in the night for milk but arent actually hungry but need comfort, which milk then becomes synonomous with???

His fussiness might mean that he isn't actually eating that much at meal times and IS genuinely hungry. So again the more of the foods he likes at meal times (the snack foods that you mentioned - tweaked to be more balanced with other foods) the less likely he is to crave sugary snacks at random times.

Cortisol suppresses the appetite so if a child is fussy and agitated about not liking something, they won't want to eat at regular meal times even if they should be hungry. Often parents will then assume it is because child has eaten too much the rest of the day, but it can be because meal times have become an anxious stressful occasion, hence the cortisol and no appetite.

ds2 has ASD and was extremely fussy as was dd (twins) One of our triumphs was Muscles for Brussels (green veg) and Brocolli was a "tree". Different coloured red peppers were "traffic lights" on a stick. Ds2 couldn't stand mashed potato but loved chips (crunchy textures) Dd used to need a very calm little nook to eat, as couldn't cope with noisy family mealtimes and "mum" demanding she eat stuff, so many tantrums from her, I wish I had realised about the cortisol earlier

This is also my life, though mine is a bit older. The constant asking for snacks, and the tantrums, and the sulking, is so wearing. So sympathies.

We have a schedule, similar to yours, though breakfast is a bit later. I get the whole “natural eating” thing, and don’t want to create an issue around eating but all she wants is things like crackers and bread and biscuits etc. She can have as much as she likes of healthy snacks like carrot sticks, grapes, apples etc but she has no interest in these. So instead we have set times for eating and fairly rigid rules about snacks - we try to be jolly and not uptight about food in order to avoid a complex, but still we are saying no a lot. But she is borderline overweight so what are we supposed to do?

other ideas for mealtimes are very small sized sandwiches on a fun plate, teddy bears' picnic (with teddies joining and sharing the food) eating meals in front of tv (relaxing and distracting) shopping with you for ingredients (just a few) and talking about them.

I would also put all food you don't want him to help himself from away in a large sealed box, and make the fridge an absolute no no, through distraction techniques (tempt him with other activity every tie he heads for the fridge) And a box of things to distract him when you are out and about, ie juice carton with straw, small car (he hasn't seen often) a funny squishy toy, and then schedule in the snack time when it suits (with as I said real food in it, mini scotch egg, cream cheese sandwich finger, satsuma segments, cubes of roast chicken)

I think if breakfast is 7am then you need to have snack and lunch a little earlier. Maybe a tea anda very light supper. Then gradually adjust. Some times they will be hungry though and no amount of food will fill them! I always find that following a few days of hunger the dc grow a few inches!

It sounds like the biggest problem may be the "helping himself to food" bit. Very reasonable at such a young age for you to be in charge; several ways you could achieve that. Start by making it very clear that he is not to get food out of the fridge (at all / without asking - up to you which) - do whatever is necessary to enforce that. Then you will feel more in control of what he is eating and hopefully can develop a pattern that works overall.

Eating only at the dinner table sounds good too. Routine and clear expectations should help at this age.

My mother used to have to block our kitchen and fridge with stools and stuff so that she would hear me trying to get things in the morning when I was little - she couldn't close off the kitchen from our playroom and I was an early riser as well as always hungry.

Good luck.

Sounds fine. My DD (3.6) also loves snacking. She has a lunchbox I make up in the morning with healthy snacks. When she asks for a snack it comes out if there and when it’s empty it’s all done - it Helps me limit the amount of snacks she has in s day. Sometimes she’ll eat it all by 10 and then there’s a bit of tough love from me but it seems to work.

Hearty meals at 9, 1 and 6 on school holidays here. Fruit anytime but offered by me at 11 and 4.
And that’s it. Otherwise DS7 eats out of boredom and habit all day long.

If you do want to eat only at the dinner table, (which is fair enough, but don't let it be a rod for your own back...after all a table is a table whether it is in front of the tv or not...) then I recommend encouraging him to help you lay the table with his own special plate and spoon (mine had gold cutlery which they regularily fought over) and perhaps put some food on the table for you, again I think my mistake with my toddlers was just to call them to the table and insist they ate what was in front of them, rather than getting them more involved.

the fact that he is trying to make independent choices (the going to the fridge, can be used to your advantage if you are getting a meal ready. Make him enjoy his independence and ability to do little tasks helping you.

Our routine is almost exactly the same as the one QueenEnid posted and it works well for us.

8ish - breakfast
10ish - small snack
11:30-12ish. Lunch
3ish - small snack
5:30-6pm - dinnertime

I’d let him eat whenever he’s hungry but only have healthy snacks available. The other way seems very rigid for s small child. My children are always hungry and I tell them they have to eat an apple or a banana before they get something else - they usually eat that and forget to ask for anything else. I also make them big bowls of porridge to keep them going if they are hungry and it is a long time until dinner or a bowl of vegetable soup.

I don't understand how grazing all day long can be a "natural" way to eatin the kind of societies we evolved in, we did not have fresh ready-to-eat food available on-hand at any given time, and human beings have evolved to eat mainly cooked foodwe are not ponies who just put our heads down and much raw vegetation throughout the day. I've been in some very undeveloped parts of the world, and people typically sit down and eat a meal together either two or three times a day. The only exception perhaps is breastfeeding in children up to about three or so, but they usually only get very small amounts of milk from BFing at this age in my experience.

I think the OP is wise to put some limits on this. Good luck! Toddlers are bastards, it's normal for him to push the limits like this and it's normal for you to feel frustrated :)