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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP booked for vasectomy, best friend worried we're making the wrong choice!

50 replies

MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 14:22

I'm a step parent, DP and I have decided not to have any more children. One of my closest friends is worried I'm making a terrible mistake. She believes that, unless a woman gets PND after having a baby, that no-one ever regrets having children (she feels her child is her reason for being, she's never felt love like it, everyone else comes lower down on her priority list now, etc). I know it's possible to regret having children - there are plenty of mothers discussing it online, and a colleague of mine openly talks about the fact that having a kid wasn't the right choice for her. I feel as though my friend is dismissing an entire group of women by denying that those feelings can exist. She's had a child and couldn't be happier, and I'm genuinely pleased that it's worked out so well for her (she even asked me to be godmother), but after I told her DP was going to have a vasectomy she's become increasingly concerned about me and I feel so frustrated. I've known since I was a young child I didn't want to be a biological mother and she knows this, yet she's still pursuing these conversations with me. I feel it's disrespectful to question someone's life choices like that. I'd never ask her if she regretted having kids!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 08/07/2019 14:25

I think she’s giving you sensible advice. Feelings around babies can change which is why I think any permanent form of sterilisation needs to be considered very, very carefully. They aren’t often completely reversible and even when they are often come with significant fertility impacts.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2019 14:30

Your "friend" should mind her own business.

123rd · 08/07/2019 14:31

What Aqua said

echt · 08/07/2019 14:32

Don't get why you're discussing something so private with anyone except your DH. Anyway, you can still be a biological mother as it's your DH who's getting the snip so if you you change your mind...

This scenario sounds like like some Daily Mail fantasy.

Pipandmum · 08/07/2019 14:34

None of her business.

SlipperyWhenWatery · 08/07/2019 14:35

You've known how you feel on this matter your whole life. She needs to respect that and remember it's none of her business. Don't tell her anything if you don't want her to stick her beak in.

Seeline · 08/07/2019 14:35

How old are you?

Feelings do change - having children wasn't something I ever envisaged. But suddenly in my mid 30s I was overwhelmed with a need to have one. Two kids down the line, DH and I decided that was enough.

It is a major decision - one that is very difficult to reverse. Your DP has his children - are you absolutely sure you won't want your own?

MadMadMad · 08/07/2019 14:35

YANBU, it is fine for her to tell you how wonderful it is having a child and to ask if you have thought about it carefully. However, once you have confirmed that it is not a spur of the moment decision and it is what you want she should shut up pronto!
Some people just know that children are not for them and some have them because it is expected and then regret it possibly making the children very unhappy in the process. Some like myself have always wanted children and I am delighted with the ones I have but that doesn't mean that I can't see the other point of view.
You need to do what is best for you and DP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2019 14:35

Of course people regret having children. They just don't talk about it because 1) they love their children and 2) it's completely unacceptable to talk about it.

However, there's also the chance she could be right. I changed my mind very late. How old are you?

Fromage · 08/07/2019 14:36

I think you and dp are highly likely to be a pair of reasonable adults who, after much discussion and research, made the right choice for you.

Exactly what this has to do with your friend baffles me.

Maybe you'll suddlenly hit 45 and think I must have a baby NOW! But who knows? As some people are convinced their life would be meanlingless or incomplete without children, so there are those who know it's not for them. If I were your friend I'd be thinking thank God I have one friend who isn't as much of a baby bore as me! Grin Wink

echt · 08/07/2019 14:36

She believes that, unless a woman gets PND after having a baby, that no-one ever regrets having children

She's a fuckwit. Disregard her opinion.

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 14:42

I'm 38

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 08/07/2019 14:56

your friend needs to butt out of your private life and stop talking out of her backside. it is the choice of yourself and and dp if you have more dc or not.

bellinisurge · 08/07/2019 14:59

DP's body, DP's business.

MyOpinionIsValid · 08/07/2019 15:01

Your friend is an idiot

I've known since I was a young child I didn't want to be a biological mother
However as it is you that doesnt want children, its you that should be snipped

Miltonj · 08/07/2019 15:01

It is a major decision - one that is very difficult to reverse

So is having children.

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 08/07/2019 15:04

She's deluded.

Munhu · 08/07/2019 15:07

People absolutely do regret having children. She sounds quite patronising and I'd just avoid discussing this topic with her.

MatildaTheCat · 08/07/2019 15:13

She’s out of line to be expressing her views so strongly. Fine to ask whether you are 100% sure about not wanting children (though one would assume that it’s something you might have considered in this context Smile ).

My major concern for your DH would be that a significant number of men go on to suffer from chronic pain after vasectomy and it’s probably not sufficiently highlighted in the consenting process.

scroll down to ‘long term testicular pain

shushymcshush · 08/07/2019 15:13

She's projecting her ideas onto you.

Your scenario is very different to hers, mine etc.

FWIW, PND is not the only reason to not want any more kids. Health/pregnancy problems, money & budget, space in the house, childcare, special needs, disabilities, marital circumstances, step-families, lone parents, careers etc are just some examples.

You make a decision for you, your family at the time and beggar anyone else. Your life choices shouldn't be dictated by a blinkered friend.

PrayingandHoping · 08/07/2019 15:16

At 38 I think u know your mind

I know people in their 20s who said they didn't want children who changed their mind when in their 30s but I think now you know and need to ignore your friend

KylieKoKo · 08/07/2019 15:18

I have a friend who can't understand the concept of me caring about dps children but not wanting to have my own. I now see her rarely and she has become more of an acquaintance as she implied that I must hate all children, including dps, if I didn't want to push one out of my vagina.

Pineapplebaby · 08/07/2019 15:19

She is being incredibly rude, not to mention naive, to think that no one who has children regrets it...

But more importantly, she needs to respect your decision and not keep pushing it. I might understand where she is coming from if you were single and in your twenties (people do sometimes change their minds as the get older) but this is not you, and she needs to accept that.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/07/2019 15:20

Your friend is an idiot... not everyone will think like she does and the faster she realises that the better it will be for everyone

ilovesooty · 08/07/2019 15:20

It's none of her business and I can't imagine why you're even discussing it with her.

If I were your partner I wouldn't be too pleased.