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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP booked for vasectomy, best friend worried we're making the wrong choice!

50 replies

MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 14:22

I'm a step parent, DP and I have decided not to have any more children. One of my closest friends is worried I'm making a terrible mistake. She believes that, unless a woman gets PND after having a baby, that no-one ever regrets having children (she feels her child is her reason for being, she's never felt love like it, everyone else comes lower down on her priority list now, etc). I know it's possible to regret having children - there are plenty of mothers discussing it online, and a colleague of mine openly talks about the fact that having a kid wasn't the right choice for her. I feel as though my friend is dismissing an entire group of women by denying that those feelings can exist. She's had a child and couldn't be happier, and I'm genuinely pleased that it's worked out so well for her (she even asked me to be godmother), but after I told her DP was going to have a vasectomy she's become increasingly concerned about me and I feel so frustrated. I've known since I was a young child I didn't want to be a biological mother and she knows this, yet she's still pursuing these conversations with me. I feel it's disrespectful to question someone's life choices like that. I'd never ask her if she regretted having kids!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 15:28

@MyOpinionIsValid it was DP's suggestion that he get the snip, because he doesn't want more children.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 15:30

Regarding why I brought it up with her, she started down the whole, "Now, are you sure you don't want kids..." route again, and I just wanted to nip it in the bud, which is why I told her, thinking it would be the end of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 15:32

@MatildaTheCat I knew that was a risk, but I had no idea it could affect as many as 1 in 10. I'll bring it up with DP tonight!

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 15:33

@KylieKoKo argh, yes. I hate this whole 'if you don't want your own you must hate kids then' attitude. I despair.

OP posts:
Meowington · 08/07/2019 17:18

I’ve known since I was a child I didn’t want children. Both DH and I got sterilised last year (he was 28, me 32).

We know it’s the right decision for us! Tell her to mind her own business! Not everyone wants children and that’s fine. There are plenty of men and women out there living with daily regret of having one or more children! She doesn’t sound like she lives in the real world!

Neron · 08/07/2019 17:18

OP I've never had children, and never will as DH had the snip a couple of months ago.

For years we've pretty much heard everything, from how I'll change my mind (no one ever says it to DH) to how selfish we are and it's my job as a woman to bear children.

I know myself, I too like you, knew from a child I was never having them. Every time someone started in on me about it, I gave them a hard time back. Why can no one believe you're happy as you are, and that you can live without having any children

MyToothPain · 08/07/2019 17:36

@MatildaTheCat is totally right to point out the little-discussed long term pain statistics!

My DP was booked for the procedure after a brief discussion with his GP, but I asked him to postpone it till he researched it properly. As well as deciding the statistics were an unacceptable risk, he also received (early) a post-procedure questionnaire. One question asked him to rank the swelling, with tick box options including “double”, “tennis ball” and “grapefruit” Shock

I remain happily child free with a Mirena coil

PooWillyBumBum · 08/07/2019 17:39

I’m pregnant with my second and can never believe the load of bollocks I hear from parents trying to persuade childfree people they’re missing out.

Some of my childfree friends have lives which I strongly suspect are fuller and more love filled than mine. There is more to life than breeding!

Love my DD but also love my work, my husband, my friends, my hobbies and so many other things and I don’t imagine I’ll wither and die when the kids leave home, or that my heart was several sizes smaller before them Hmm

Why must we always try and justify our choices to others? If we were all the same life would be so dull and childfree couples are doing us and the environment a favour!

CmdrCressidaDuck · 08/07/2019 17:44

Your friend thinks your partner might be making a mistake?

Thank her for her concern, but tell her you're both grownups and you've got it covered, thanks. Even if it were a mistake (and it sounds like you're both pretty clear), it's your (his) mistake to make. She sounds like she struggles with boundaries and MHOB a bit.

Fatasfooook · 08/07/2019 17:46

Your decision really. Well, your dp’s. If he wants the snip that’s up to him

Kyriesmum1 · 08/07/2019 17:50

My hubby had it done after our third child was born. We have one child with disabilities and being pregnant was very stressful and we decided that we both didn't want anymore children.

FF 12 years and we are adopting a baby!! Not because we changed our minds, we absolutely didn't want any more biological children but while fostering our 34th foster child we decided she belonged in our family and we are keeping her!

No one can predict what will happen in years to come but there are other ways to solve a problem. If you decided that you changed your mind there is ivf and adoption as routed to look at.

My hubby does get some pain but nothing that makes him regret the snip xx

cestlavielife · 08/07/2019 17:57

Does your friend want to have your dh's baby?
Does your dh want a baby with your friend?

If none of the above then it s really nothing to do with her !

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/07/2019 19:10

Tell your friend to keep her beak out. Her assertion that you’ll change your mind is not only patronising, but also ignores the fact that even if you did change your mind, your husband would also need to change his for the two of you to have a child together.

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 20:53

@PooWillyBumBum yes, it's the whole 'you haven't experienced love until you've had a child of your own' etc. She even said how sad she was that she'd never be able to buy baby clothes for me, FFS. I think @CmdrCressidaDuck might be onto something with the boundary issues. I do feel kind of betrayed, too. She's known me my whole life, known how I've felt about children since I was 10, and of all the people in my life putting pressure on me, it's her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 08/07/2019 20:54

Thanks for letting me have a rant, I do feel a bit better. If she tries to bring it up again, I'm going to have to tell her that it's not a conversation I'm prepared to have with her anymore.

OP posts:
StripeySocks29 · 08/07/2019 21:53

She is definitely being unreasonable - your sex life is not her business!

All my life I was adamant I did not want children, I just was not interested. Then when I hit 30 I had a sudden overwhelming need to have a child.

BUT I know that I’m the sort of person who is prone to changing my mind, so I would never have gone for a permanent contraceptive (or have a tattoo for the same reason!)

If you’re at the stage where you’re having a vasectomy then I think your friend can assume you’ve really, really made up your mind.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 09/07/2019 12:03

If she tries to bring it up again, I'm going to have to tell her that it's not a conversation I'm prepared to have with her anymore.

Do that and preface it with a comment that it's intrusive and none of her business. It's between you and DP only.

Incidentally from reading upthread, my DH had a vasectomy and suffered no ill effects whatsoever. He rested later the same day and was right as rain after that. It's not a given that it'll be painful or debilitating afterwards.

FinallyHere · 09/07/2019 14:30

She even said how sad she was that she'd never be able to buy baby clothes for me,

Oh well, in that case .... ffs

wildcherries · 09/07/2019 14:36

She believes that, unless a woman gets PND after having a baby, that no-one ever regrets having children

She's entitled to her opinion, but she can't speak for anyone else, and this decision has not whatsoever to do with her. She should keep out of it. Do tell her to mind her own business next time.

whothedaddy · 09/07/2019 14:43

Can we stop feeding the societal opinion that every woman needs to be a mother, or is somewhat incomplete without children. It is so poisonous.

Jeremybearimybaby · 09/07/2019 14:53

She believes that, unless a woman gets PND after having a baby, that no-one ever regrets having children

See, now, I had PND and I don't regret my children. At all.

Your 'friend' is an idiot. I'd stop discussing private stuff with her. If you talk about private things with people, they think they have the right to an opinion.

TroysMammy · 09/07/2019 14:58

I didn't want children when I married at 22. I'm now 51 and still don't want children. The people in my life accepted my decision not to have children just like I accepted their decision to have children. It's your life and your choice.

iolaus · 09/07/2019 15:12

The only one it matters to is you and your partner

I admit to having a little wobble the night before DH had it done - even though I didn't want anymore it seemed a huge step - but I am glad it's been done and I don't regret it

HavelockVetinari · 09/07/2019 15:15

At 38 YANBU at all, you are very unlikely to change your mind. If you were a decade younger I'd urge caution (I personally know 2 couples who changed their mind, one of whom had to have an incredibly expensive vasectomy reversal and ICSI).

RockinHippy · 09/07/2019 17:22

She might well have a point. I had no interest at all in kids, let alone having them until I was close to 40. Very much a career girl & then suddenly I wasn't anymore & DD is the best thing we've ever done

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