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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to baby shower?

42 replies

mousewire · 08/07/2019 12:53

This is a two part question.
For background, I am engaged to DP and his Sister, I'll refer to as SIL is due her first child in October. This is the first child from any of the siblings on his side, there's DP, SIL and DP's Brother.

I have received a message today inviting me, on my own, to the baby shower. Neither DP or me have seen SIL since she got pregnant at the beginning of the year. This isn't through lack of trying but more busy schedules. She is a doctor too so works weekends a lot whilst we work mon-fri. They live a 3 hour drive from us in the middle of nowhere.
I would want to go to the baby shower if DP were invited. I haven't driven in 7 years and I am just starting again (live in London so never needed to).
However, I don't feel comfortable enough getting there (either long train journey or car journey) and staying over (would be too much for one day) without DP. SIL and I get on but aren't close.

Additionally, her friends are all doctors and I don't want to be harsh or stereotypical but they're very stuck up and they know it. Often make snide comments about nurses, in general they're not my people but we got on fine at her hen do 2 years ago.

Firstly, does it look really bad if I don't go?
Also, isn't it odd that DP isn't invited? From her message it seems not even her DH is and DP's brother isn't either. I think this is quite sad.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 08/07/2019 12:58

Baby showers are quite often women only so it's not odd that DP isn't invited. Mumsnet is very anti baby showers so you might get responses saying SIL IBU for having one at all. I'd make the effort to go tbh - these things can fester a bit in families. Or if you really feel you can't then send a nice gift in advance and make arrangements to see them separately

MonkeyTrap · 08/07/2019 12:59

It’s kind of her to invite you but you needn’t feel obliged.

Hannah4banana · 08/07/2019 13:01

Would your other half go and stay over and you can go to the baby shower if you want to. Any baby shower I've been too has usually been female only but not exclusively. If you just dobt want yo go then decline and hopefully you can all meet up once the baby is born.

OhEliza · 08/07/2019 13:01

I'd make the effort if you want a decent relationship with your DP's family.

The more you avoid seeing her, the more you will think that you don't have a relationship, so the less you'll bother... and then you really won't have a relationship.

You say it's tough to make schedules coincided. But now they have, so make the most of it!

Letthemysterybe · 08/07/2019 13:02

I’m sure she will understand if you don’t go. Just send a present and a card.

regmover · 08/07/2019 13:02

If you can't manage it alone just say it's a bit much for you to travel and don't go. Baby showers aren't really events for couples.

waterrat · 08/07/2019 13:03

You sound a bit anxious op and also quote judgemental. If it's too far for the day just say you already have plans.

sneakypinky · 08/07/2019 13:05

Just say you are on a business trip, or have plans already for that weekend for a uni reunion or something.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2019 13:06

3 hours is a long way to go for a baby shower. I would say that.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2019 13:07

Also, isn't it odd that DP isn't invited?

No. Baby showers are almost exclusively women-only.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/07/2019 13:10

As other posters have stated baby showers are women only events usually.

I think its fine to pass on this one

PrayingandHoping · 08/07/2019 13:10

Baby showers are a female thing. So no it's not an all odd your OH isn't invited. I think you should be pleased that you are as she clearly sees you as an important family member. Take it as a compliment

My friend is organising me a baby shower and I have invited all my family members even though they live far away. I also sent them personal messages saying that as much as I would love them to come I realise it is a long way and I won't be offended remotely if they don't come.

MyReadingChallenge · 08/07/2019 13:11

Can’t you just travel with your husband and then he do something like see his brother in law or other family if close by, whilst you go to the shower? Make a weekend of it so stay over together?

RockyRolly · 08/07/2019 13:13

Have you never heard of a baby shower? 9 times out of 10 they are women only. As always an invitation is not a summons but to maintain a relationship I would decline and send a lovely thoughtful card and gift. But to be honest it sounds like you're making loads of excuses because you just dont want to go as you dont like her very much.

GrapefruitIsGross · 08/07/2019 13:14

I think it’s fine to pass based on the distance alone. Chances are your SIL is asking you out of politeness rather than with an expectation that you’d go.

Jemima232 · 08/07/2019 13:16

Are you a nurse, OP? Just wondered because you said SIL and her friends make anti-nurse comments.

Anyway - if you are, just tell SIL that you're at work when her tacky baby shower is happening.

Job done.

BlueMerchant · 08/07/2019 13:22

I'd agree I've never heard of men being invited to a baby shower.
I also think it could be that she has invited you as it would look awful if she didn't.
She will understand the fact that you are three hours away and is probably not expecting you anyway.
I'd send a card and apologies.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/07/2019 13:27

I would go, and if you have your license do some of the driving.

Your husband can do something else while you're busy. I hate baby showers but I go and enjoy the time with people and the joy in looking forward to the baby.

SparklyMagpie · 08/07/2019 13:36

If you don't want to go then don't go

But can you seriously not stay a might away from your DP? Confused why does he have to be there?

I had a surprise one my stepmum and mum organised so I had all my family but typically I thought it was mainly women?

Not that it should make any difference who's there but it sounds like you wouldn't consider going or staying anywhere with him by your side

Obviously I know I could be wrong

gamerchick · 08/07/2019 13:42

Men don't get invited to baby showers, lucky buggers. Surely you don't need him by your side constantly?

That said, you can say no thankyou and not go.

MatchSetPoint · 08/07/2019 13:46

It’s fine not to go, if I was you I wouldn’t want to go either. Just send a lovely gift with a card thanking her for the invite and a quick scribble explaining how you can’t not attend because you already have plans. She’ll be happy with her gift and the lovely thought that she won’t be bothered about you not attending.

CatG85 · 08/07/2019 14:02

Never known a baby shower where men are invited. I'm having mine next month and that's also women only. Men tend to do the whole wetting the baby's head after.

Personally, I don't think they're the greatest reasons not to go as I think it's a shame you don't feel comfortable doing a journey or overnight stay without your DP and that if you got on with her friends at her hen (I'm sure DP wasn't invited to that either so you would have been on your own?) there should be any reason you wouldn't now but all that aside, if it's not your thing and you don't want to go, don't go. It's nice of her to ask but it's not compulsory. Just send a present or both go visit once baby is here and take a little something.

Original poster
mousewire · 08/07/2019 14:25

I guess the only baby shower I know has had men there, that was my cousins.

None of my friends have had babies so this is new to me!
I can easily spend a night away from him but it's with his family and her friends - essentially strangers. It's more that I'd feel out of place and would be fine if I was going for a few hours but not for a whole weekend (which is what she has asked).

I think I will send a present and a card, I'm sure she won't be too fussed I'm not there realistically!

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 08/07/2019 14:33

Baby showers are usually woman only so not weird for her brothers to be asked.

Given the distance you can easily say no. You could invent a prior engagement if you wish.

Did sil move away or does your DH have other family near by there? Could you both not go down for the weekend and visit his parents or his brother then you pop out for the couple of hours for the shower?

Piffle11 · 08/07/2019 14:51

The only baby showers I have been invited to were for women my DH knows better than I do, and he's never been invited - neither have brothers, fathers, male friends. Just women. I wouldn't go: she may have just thought that she should invite you, as you are going to be her SIL, but she may not expect you to go. I was invited to a hen night at the other end of the country: it was someone I am pretty friendly with, but it was too far to consider going for one night.

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