to not go to baby shower?

[mousewire]

This is a two part question.
For background, I am engaged to DP and his Sister, I'll refer to as SIL is due her first child in October. This is the first child from any of the siblings on his side, there's DP, SIL and DP's Brother.

I have received a message today inviting me, on my own, to the baby shower. Neither DP or me have seen SIL since she got pregnant at the beginning of the year. This isn't through lack of trying but more busy schedules. She is a doctor too so works weekends a lot whilst we work mon-fri. They live a 3 hour drive from us in the middle of nowhere.
I would want to go to the baby shower if DP were invited. I haven't driven in 7 years and I am just starting again (live in London so never needed to).
However, I don't feel comfortable enough getting there (either long train journey or car journey) and staying over (would be too much for one day) without DP. SIL and I get on but aren't close.

Additionally, her friends are all doctors and I don't want to be harsh or stereotypical but they're very stuck up and they know it. Often make snide comments about nurses, in general they're not my people but we got on fine at her hen do 2 years ago.

Firstly, does it look really bad if I don't go?
Also, isn't it odd that DP isn't invited? From her message it seems not even her DH is and DP's brother isn't either. I think this is quite sad.

I would go, seems like a nice opportunity to develop a relationship with her which at the moment you feel like you don't have.

Embrace it.

I find it odd that men aren’t invited tbh, I’ve only ever been to baby showers where there are both men and women

Just make an excuse and say sorry you cant make it, but you are DP will visit as soon as they're ready for visitors.

Also, most Babyshowers are women only events.

I'd just send a nice present and leave it at that. No need to go if you don't want to.

Why don't you drive there with your DP and he go see other family whilst you're at the Baby shower. Surely SIL partner will be out of the house so perhaps DP can hang out with him.

Personally I would make the effort to be there. It's her first baby and sounds like the first baby of the family so it's extra special.

I doubt they'll be much talk about work as you're usually focussing on the new mum and playing games.

I think you’re within your rights to refuse but if your DP hasn’t seen his sister in so long why not make a weekend of it?

He could drive you up, you’d go to the shower alone then you could meet him for dinner and then perhaps the next day suggest a walk and pub lunch with SIL and BIL?

I would go to build the relationship and show willing, it was kind of her to ask you and it would be nice to make the effort.

I wasn’t invited to my SIL’s bridal shower (we get on really well, her mum just didn’t think to invite me), and it was crushingly disappointing to be left out. You’ve been included, so I’d embrace it if I were you!

I’ve never heard of a baby shower having men at it.

I’m guessing she can tell your opinion of her and invited you to be polite rather than because she wants you there, so she’s probably be grateful to you not going.

Also, isn't it odd that DP isn't invited? From her message it seems not even her DH is and DP's brother isn't either. I think this is quite sad.

I’ve never known any men go to a baby shower. It’s a bit like a hen night in that the norm is that it is women only. It’s not sad.

I’ve never been to a shower where men were invited.
If it were me I’d make the effort and go for familial relations but then I’m a people pleaser.
It sounds like you don’t want to go - if she feels the same way about you as you seem to about her I agree you probably won’t be missed that much and send a card and a present.
Perhaps you and your DP could go for the night somewhere nearby so he can be with you for the travel etc and then you can pop there for the actual shower? What does he say about it?

You really should go, you’re engaged to her brother, you’re going to be an aunt. Get DP to drive you and he can go shopping or whatever whilst you attend. Forget about who is there, most baby showers are eating tiny sandwiches and cakes and some small talk.
Baby showers are, for the majority, female only events. Don’t know any men who’d enjoy it lmao.
You must go imo

I wouldn't want to be in that kind of environment ( I am a nurse ) it's disappointing as I have socialised with many doctors and worked alongside and haven't experienced this ( only a rare occasion with consultants ). Generally they are a really good laugh!
I think it's really far for you to go and she shouldn't expect you to travel that far especially on your own. I would just send a card and gift. You won't enjoy it

*You really should go, you’re engaged to her brother, you’re going to be an aunt.i

But it’s three hours away! No reasonable person would be annoyed about the op not coming.

Shrug. Most things are three hours away from me, since I don’t drive.

My sister’s baby shower, my SIL’s wedding, my partner’s grandparents’ funerals, his uncle and aunt’s wedding anniversary (4 hours for that one).

If you are part of an extended family it’s a good idea to make the effort for this kind of event. Yes, you can make excuses. But people will remember for a long time after who made the effort to attend.

@RhiWrites exactly.
I wonder how OP or her DP would feel if she hadn’t been invited.

Just go, build s relationship with your extended family.

Baby showers are only for a couple of hours - both of you travel there, you go to the shower, he goes to the pub for a couple of hours - then you could both go out for a date night / romantic stay in a B&B. It's possible that's what some of the other partners and husbands are doing.

You will be showing her that you're part of the family and care about your soon to be niece/nephew.

But definitely send a lovely card and a gift if you don't go.

I’m always amazed on here when I see people who won’t travel X hours on their own. Why not (diagnosed anxiety excepting)? It’s really not a big deal.

I’d go OP. She’s going to be your SIL...