To think people who say "it doesn't get any easier" should f@@@ off!

[Useruseruser91]

This is more a rant than an AIBU but why do strangers say this?

This morning I'm walking back from the park with my 3 year old. 3 year old is happy and messing about, I'm smiling but also trying to encourage him to speed up so we can get home. A woman walks past us and says very loudly and with a dead pan face "I would love to tell you it gets better, but it doesn't".

What is she trying to achieve by saying this apart from making me feel shit? I remember being told this a lot when DS was a screaming baby and it really did make me feel utterly awful and hopeless. I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves, I think it comes from a place of nastiness.

Well it’s true parenting doesn’t get easier, you just get different challenges as they get older.

No I don’t think it comes from a place of nastiness

Dont hear that one, I do hear a lot of "it gets easier" to which I normally reply "when, exactly?"
I dont think they were being nasty to you, just venting their own frustrations probably!

YABU and a bit of an over reaction. Why does it make you feel "utterly awful and hopeless"? It's just of those things people say from time to time. Is there something else that is getting you down?

I doubt she was trying to make you feel shit OP, probably trying to sympathise as a mum. FWIW imo it does get easier - between say 6/8 and 12 is plain sailing for most people.

But that's a matter of opinion based on a number of factors. My first child had colic and I had postnatal depression so parenting has got easier much much each year for me. But regardless of this what would you hope to achieve from telling a stranger you believe is struggling that it doesn't get easier?

Parenting got a fuck load easier for me. With all three of my kids.

Yes, my ds1 had colic, it was a steep learning curve in resilience. It has never been that hard again.

In my experience it gets easier and easier as each year goes by and I have teens now! Depends on the child I guess but no way is it harder at say 8 or 9 than it is at 3 for most people!

I have heard that a number of times, but I tell you what does my head in more....

When my nana says " well you should try have having 4 at your age " " how do you think I felt when I had 4 children "

🙄🙄🙄 well nana, that was your choice, and all this will be said because I've just made a little comment about 3yo DS being a pain

Grinds my gears that does

YABU and a bit of an over reaction. Why does it make you feel "utterly awful and hopeless"? It's just of those things people say from time to time. Is there something else that is getting you down?

Yes I was referring to when my first child was a baby and I had postnatal depression. At the time comments like that made me feel that way. That lady who walked past me today didn't know what I am going through, if I had been going through a period of depression her comment would make me feel so much worse. I don't understand why she would make such a statement when it is not asked for and is so unhelpful. I would never be so cruel.

YANBU! I agree, those people should definitely f off.

Nobody in the street knows what your current experience is, or what your future experience will be. No family is the same, no child is the same. I think people who say things like that don't necessarily need to fuck off, but perhaps need to be shrugged at in a quizzical way. I hope your day got better!

I agree OP. I don't understand why any mum wants to try and drag another mum down. I always want to be encouraging because parenting is hard enough without people telling you it gets harder.

Actually I think it really does get easier! I remember finding ages 2 and 3 the absolute hardest. And when you’re juggling a baby and a pre schooler and never get 5 minutes or a good night’s sleep. Once they reach school age, it gets easier with each passing year. And, although others might disagree, I find teens / preteens great. The first time I went out for a couple of hours in the evening and left ds1 to watch ds2 was a real life changing moment.
, , and heading your way OP! x

Well I’ve found it’s got easier and easier and so have the vast majority of my friends.
It’s never easy exactly but from 3 onwards things have been far more straightforward. Different challenges but the breastfed refluxy screamer with dairy and soy allergy first year was hell and nothing has ever compared to that!

That's a really weird (and stupid) thing to say - it DOES get easier!

Of course it gets easier. The worries are perhaps greater - bigger kids, bigger problems ive definitely found to be true - but everyday existence becomes exponentially easier the further you get from nappies, pushchairs, night waking and the need for constant input and entertainment. But whichever way you cut it, it's such a horrible, joy-sucking thing to say to someone.

I can guarantee my mum says this EVERY TIME i speak to her though generally she's talking about life in general rather than just parenting.

Of course parenting does get easier as they grow up and get more self sufficient. That's not to say that there aren't thing to worry about with older children but at least they can tell you how they're feeling.

Yanbu. I’ve had this a few times when I’ve been struggling with my toddler and baby. It’s really not helpful.

I also had pnd and a baby with colic. He spent pretty much his entire first 3 months constantly screaming. When people told me it wouldn’t get any easier it filled me with horror that this was my life now and it would never get any easier. Well of course it got easier. He’s 2 now and a mostly happy little boy. Of course he has his moments but it’s nowhere near as hard as it was when he was tiny. And now when I hear ‘it won’t get any easier!’ I just think really?! I had 2 under 2 which has been bloody hard. Maybe I’m naive but when I have a 6 and an 8 year old that I can leave unattended for more than 3 seconds without them trying to kill themselves or each other it might be a bit easier surely?!

I assume you are put out about any comment not whether the specific comment is valid.

I think it would be a sad world in which no one darent make a passing remark to someone without taking a full history first.

I can understand a mum wanting to offer positive encouragement to another mum with a screaming toddler and saying 'it gets easier' to reduce the other mums embarrassment but why would you say 'it gets harder' when you obviously don't know that and it's just a horribly negative thing to state as a matter of fact?

Just seems an unpleasant thing to do. A bit like telling someone buying a lottery ticket, "don't waste your money, you'll never win."

Weirdo behaviour IMO.

I think it's a reflex thing people say when there's nothing else to say but they want to make contact.

It does get easier. DS2 was an absolute arsehole at 3, which I know is frowned upon to say, but he really was. I remember so many times I'd have to rugby-ball-scoop him under my arms to remove him from wherever we were while he shouted "help me, help me" at elderly folk who'd shake their heads and laughingly tell me "it gets worse". Load of old shite; he's 8 now and as lovely as can be. It's like he used up a lifetimes worth of bellend behaviour in that one year and now all that's left is loveliness.

If you can't say lovely things to parents you probably ought to say nothing.

YANBU. People can indeed piss off, basically suggesting your life is over from the point of having children. Yeah it's tough - who knew? No need to rub it in all the bloody time though.

YANBU I totally agree with you! I got told this all the time when mine was a baby and it left me feeling hopeless. In my opinion it's also not true, he's got easier and easier from 17 months. I found baby stage really hard but everything since then has all been uphill. I think parents like to be martyrs sometimes.

Yeah I get this and think well, it might not get easier but you could lie to me when I'm clearly struggling and give me some false hope!

Mostly I just smile and carry on my day but sometimes I'd like to tell them to F off