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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people who say "it doesn't get any easier" should f@@@ off!

65 replies

Useruseruser91 · 08/07/2019 12:26

This is more a rant than an AIBU but why do strangers say this?

This morning I'm walking back from the park with my 3 year old. 3 year old is happy and messing about, I'm smiling but also trying to encourage him to speed up so we can get home. A woman walks past us and says very loudly and with a dead pan face "I would love to tell you it gets better, but it doesn't".

What is she trying to achieve by saying this apart from making me feel shit? I remember being told this a lot when DS was a screaming baby and it really did make me feel utterly awful and hopeless. I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves, I think it comes from a place of nastiness.

OP posts:

MrMakersFartyParty · 08/07/2019 13:46

Why would it make you feel shit now? Are you not enjoying parenting at the moment?

Baddabingbaddaboom · 08/07/2019 13:49

The woman was probably having a shitty day with her own kids to say that to you. I wouldn't let it bother you

ValleyoftheHorses · 08/07/2019 13:51

It does get easier though. DS is 7 and much easier than he was at 3.
I’m prepared for it to get harder doing teenage hormones though.
Lots of people have another- this makes it harder!

Original poster

Useruseruser91 · 08/07/2019 13:56

If you can't say lovely things to parents you probably ought to say nothing

Yes to this ^

Why would it make you feel shit now? Are you not enjoying parenting at the moment?

I enjoy parenting more than I dislike it. But it makes me shit that another human would say this to someone they probably think is struggling. I don't get it?

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 08/07/2019 13:58

YABU and a bit of an over reaction. Why does it make you feel "utterly awful and hopeless"? It's just of those things people say from time to time. Is there something else that is getting you down?
Maybe people should think before they open they’re mouth though. If someone had said that to me when I was in the grip of PND when DD was a baby that could have ended me.
Seriously if you can’t say something nice or supportive just shut up no one needs those kinds of comments.

Original poster

Useruseruser91 · 08/07/2019 13:59

The woman was probably having a shitty day with her own kids to say that to you.

I think she probably was but I still don't understand why anyone would try and bring someone else down with them. I think it's mean spirited, why can't we support each other? That's what bothers me about it.

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 08/07/2019 13:59

Ps it does get easier. I hated the baby and toddler years but DD (8) is an absolute joy.

RubberTreePlant · 08/07/2019 14:00

I think it's one of those remarks that's supposed to be grimly funny, but doesn't bear much examination.

Just brush it off.

MamaFlintstone · 08/07/2019 14:01

I used to reply “but I’ll be better at it then” and it’s true. The newborn period has been harder than anything so far for me because I was new to parenthood and didn’t have any faith in my own abilities or judgement as a mum. The challenges may get more challenging but I’ll be able to handle them better because I have the benefit of experience behind me.

EmrysAtticus · 08/07/2019 14:02

YANBU. I was told that when DS was a baby with colic and reflux and I had PND. It has got significantly easier since then! I am not sure how telling someone who is at the end of their tether and feeling that they won't make one more day that this is the best it's going to get is remotely kind!

Teddybear45 · 08/07/2019 14:05

OP you are very lucky. My best friend who had pnd now has a child with ASD and for her parenting has gotten tougher every year (and will continue to get worse as her child gets older). Just because you were lucky enough to emerge from pnd with a healthy child doesn’t mean everybody is.

BroomstickOfLove · 08/07/2019 14:05

I was in the supermarket today and there was a woman with a toddler who was in the relentless "Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!" phase. I had completely forgotten just how exhausting that was, and my life now is certainly easier.

likeafishneedsabike · 08/07/2019 14:09

I think it’s an empathetic statement along the lines of ‘isn’t parenting hard?’ You could be over thinking it.

CatNinja · 08/07/2019 14:09

YANBU I used to hate it when people said that! When I had a tiny baby and a toddler not yet turned 2 it was intense. Yes, there are different challenges now that they are older, but nothing tops the overwhelming intensity of the baby/toddler years. I make a point of reassuring friends who are struggling that yes, it does get easier. I know I needed to hear that at times, and for people to (often smugly) say it doesn't is very unhelpful!

Original poster

Useruseruser91 · 08/07/2019 14:10

Yup I am lucky. But you're missing the point entirely. I wasn't saying it gets easier for everyone. I was saying this isn't a supportive comment for a stranger to say to a mother who they believe is struggling. In fact it is more likely to bring someone down so why would anyone say it.

OP posts:

CallMeCarolDanvers · 08/07/2019 14:12

Teddybear45 in what world would it have helped your friend to be told "yeah but it's going to get worse" when she was struggling? And how is that relevant to the OP, and someone who was a total stranger to the OP? It's a roll of the dice every day. My DD was a hard work baby and toddler, she's a dream as a 5 year old. My uncle was apparently a dream baby and child, but since his 20s he's fucked up marriages, finances, family relationships, jobs, been convicted of various crimes, and his poor mum, my DGM, has her heart broke with him. Nobody knows what the future holds.

(On a side note, DGM tells me "you'll never be as happy as you are now". Thanks granny, so my life is maxed out. Cheers.)

Original poster

Useruseruser91 · 08/07/2019 14:14

I think it’s an empathetic statement along the lines of ‘isn’t parenting hard?’ You could be over thinking it.

Hmmm that's an interesting view. I hope you're right as I hate the thought that this is said to make someone feel worse. Within this thread it's clear to see its not just me that it has made feel shitty. So maybe it's a rather misguided empathetic statement

OP posts:

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 08/07/2019 14:18

I’ve lost count of the number of times i’ve turned to DH and said gleefully “they were all wrong, this is totally easier”.

For me, every day since baby/approx 18 months old has been getting steadily easier and more enjoyable.

I never could stand the misery-guts who saw whatever you were going through (joyful or hard) and wanted to drag you down just that bit further for no reason.

blahblahblahblahblahblah100 · 08/07/2019 14:20

@Useruseruser91 when people tell me that I must admit it fils me with utter dread and fear....I'm really struggling atm with a colic/reflux baby who hates sleeping with a passion 😫 I'm exhausted and people love to make me feel better by saying 'it doesn't get easier' it makes me panic thinking I will never cope....it's one of those things I think they say it in a 'mums club advice' kinda way, not realizing it is shit hearing that right now!

Tallgreenbottle · 08/07/2019 14:21

Little bit oversensitive there, OP. She was making a passing comment. Why overthink it or even give it any headspace at all?

blahblahblahblahblahblah100 · 08/07/2019 14:23

@SparklyMagpie omg I totally agree with you!!
My grandma forever tells me 'it was much harder in my day as I had two babies with only 11 months between, both in towel nappies and no washing machine'
I scream inside and feel like shouting 'trying working full time, being a mum to a colic/reflux baby, not having tour mum around because she too has to work full time' etc etc
I know it was hard back then, and I never disputed that....but they don't see the positives back then...that you could raise tour child yourself as it was common only the man worked, you had your mother for full support because she too never worked etc....

Original poster

Useruseruser91 · 08/07/2019 14:24

It's a bit like standing halfway through a marathon and shouting at the exhausted people running by "it's going to get so much harder". I just don't know why you would do that? Apart from to cause misery.

OP posts:

Original poster

Useruseruser91 · 08/07/2019 14:27

@blahblahblahblahblahblah100
So sorry you're suffering. I was there with Dc1. It's a million times easier for me now, once they're over the baby stage the reflux and colic goes and it's very different. Ask for as much support from family and friends and ignore those who tell you it will get harder!

OP posts:

NaturalBornWoman · 08/07/2019 14:28

I think it’s an empathetic statement along the lines of ‘isn’t parenting hard?’ You could be over thinking it.

I do think it's meant to be empathetic, same as saying you thought toddlers were hard until you had teenagers sort of thing. It's an acknowledgement of the difficulties of parenthood, an expression of solidarity in the face of the relentlessness.

avalanching · 08/07/2019 14:29

I think she was just trying to sympathise oddly. But I totally know what you mean, it is utterly BORING being told "just you wait", happens all the time in real life and MN from pre kids through till THE END OF TIME, "just you wait till they're teenagers". Bore off. People often say it conversationally like I think the person here was doing, but it's lazy and unhelpful.

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