Ex demanding I pay half of mediation

[username78990]

Have had problems after relationship breakdown with ex for months. He's been aggressive and emotionally abusive and it's been a nightmare.

We had an incident where he was aggressive and we had the police involved recently (in front of DS) and I ceased contact.

Now, I've been to a lawyer in the past month anyway and have been going back and forth drawing up a contact agreement to send out but she's been on holiday for a few weeks.
I told him it needs to go through lawyers now as it's gone too far to try and civilly arrange anything between ourselves and communicate as I feel unsafe around him and DS is being exposed to his aggression.

I'm still waiting for that letter to be sent, I'll need to speak to her again now there's obviously new circumstances.

He has been messaging one after the other for a couple of days, telling me I'm 'keeping his son' from him etc etc etc. I reiterated no he can't pick DS up from nursery today, we need a formal arrangement in place now after a second bout of police involvement, and have received multiple texts about how he's calling a lawyer at 9am and getting an appointment for mediation as that's the way I wanted it to be and he hopes I'm happy to take a day off work for it in the next 2 days and that I'll be paying half the charges as it's me who wanted us to go this route.

I don't even want mediation, I don't want communication with him, he's actually got a PIN (harassment) notice against him as of last week. I want a contact arrangement sent out and then he can go to a lawyer if he wishes.
I just don't want to receive a letter for mediation insisting I pay half. I live on my own with DS, I pay for everything (he doesn't pay maintenance as he's been a 'full time student', I can barely afford to pay the gas some weeks, never mind for mediation sessions!

What would the process be here?

If you are starting family court process for a contact order, the court will want to see mediation attempted before going to a hearing.

You will normally have to pay your share of the mediation fees.

There are circumstances where mediation isn’t appropriate or when one party refuses it. Every case is different.

This sounds like exact the sort of case where mediation isn't appropriate. Can you speak to your lawyer yet?

@GabriellaMontez back tomorrow so I'm hoping I can get in touch with her then!

I thought mediation was not recommended in abusive relationships.

Yeah I also think it's normal to have to pay half. Nobody really wants mediation but it's often the first step unfortunately. Also, although your ex sounds like an arse I'd be thinking about getting a new lawyer if yours has been on holiday for 'several weeks' - it might not look good that he's not been allowed any contact with his son for several weeks for an avoidable reason. Just saying this because you obviously want to look as good as possible and like you've been trying everything to find a solution. Can't you allow him to see his son but have another person pick him up and drop him off? I also doubt he will pay you anything until you let him see his son so it's probably best for everyone, your son included, assuming he's not aggressive to him too.

@hormonesorDHbeingadick he argues that it hasn't been abusive or anything like that, he hasn't been violent, just generally aggressive, and he basically makes me out to be being dramatic when I say anything about the way he is emotionally manipulative etc.

A cousin of mine made claims of abuse and although she was believed, mediation was still the first step.

Abuse is not just physical. Very few abusive men admit that they are abusive. Ring women’s aid for advice.

He's still abusive, doesn't have to be violence involved. And mediation is not recommended where there is abuse.

Just wait.
If your lawyer is back tomorrow then I don't see the big deal waiting but your ex is just trying to use this to pressure you into agreeing with him.
Block him and make sure the nursery knows he isn't allowed to pick up DS.
You says he's emotionally abusive and manipulative which fits as that sounds like exactly what he's doing now.
He can't set a date for mediation himself normally that has to be agreed. But speak to your lawyer tomorrow about that.
As for paying for it I honestly don't know where you would stand but again you can ask.
I doubt your lawyer being on holiday and delaying things will reflect badly on you as this is out with your control and the recommendation is to use a layer after cases of aggression and abuse with in a household.

I wouldn't get someone to drop DS off as how do you know he will give him back again?

I know that not all abuse is physical. But my cousin had been hospitalised and reported her ex to the police on several occasions and because it was a 'her word against his' sort of scenario (he denied having anything to do with the injury) mediation was still the first step. I'm only saying this because a lot of the time it's not so black and white. Allegations of abuse are very common and not always entirely believed or taken as seriously as they should be. There's no point telling the OP that she won't have to do it when yeah, hopefully she won't but she very well might. It's always best to be prepared. Another reason why getting a new lawyer would be a good idea.

Refuse mediation. Contact cms even as a full time student he has some form of income might mean only £5 a week if his only on benefits but it will make it easier to get them to monitor his income for when he does work. He should pay the mediation if he wants it otherwise tell them your situation they might wave the fee. Also tell him if he keeps harassing you then you will contact the police for ano contact order.

Counselling not reccomended in abusive situation. Mediation might be helpful. Don't have to see him, can be in seperate rooms. Make solicitor buck up. Suggest supervised contact. Get maintainance and pay out of that. Protect yourself and dc.

If you have police records etc then just sit tight with your DS and let your ex take you to Court. You will need to attend a MIAM, which is the initial mediation meeting with just you. At this meeting you can state why you don't think mediation is suitable for you (the abuse) and they will sign the exemption form.

You/he can then proceed with the Child Arrangement Order.

Have you considered getting a non-molestation order?

@ZillaPilla what's that?

Has he got pr? If not he will need to go to court, you would be foolish to give it now. If he has then sound like you will need to argue limited contact or he will make life hell, is dc safe with him?
If lawyer not back ask for one of the partners, this can't wait

@Missingstreetlife no PR. Can it wait until tomorrow? Should I email again?

I'm struggling with the lawyer as I have it in my head that I've been a nuisance for 6 weeks as I've gone a bit back and forth with the contact arrangement letter (I was completely tiptoeing around him and walking on eggshells hoping to not get a reaction). Obviously now I don't care about that as the problems are a lot bigger than me walking on eggshells around him but I just don't want to be getting on her nerves!

You are not being a nuisance, you are paying for her time and she can't help you unless she knows the situation properly. I suspect she will be very pleased to know that you are no longer pussyfooting around him.

If you do have to end up paying towards the mediation make sure that you pay it direct to the court or wherever it is to be paid don't give it to him to pay.

@Hecateh I get it through legal aid due to low income so unfortunately end up feeling not as important as others as it's not coming out of my pocket!

MIAM is Mediation Information Assessment Meeting, it's the initial meeting with the mediator you do have to do this. Been through court and you can't get a court hearing without it. You do have to pay for this mine was £35, ExH had to pay for his own.

You can tell the mediator everything and they decide whether to do mediation or go straight to court. You can also show evidence of his abuse if you have any.

If it goes to court you will be expected to pay half the costs, even if ou get legal aid it doesn't cover all of it.

I'd change solicitors. A parenting plan or agreement doesn't stand up legally so it could end up in court anyway.

He has no pr, so no rights at all at the moment. He can shut up and he should see a solicitor. He may not bother. Then you are free.
Do you want him to have contact, is it in dc best interest? If so you can offer limited contact (in contact centre or with neutral 3rd party cos he sounds an arse).
If not solicitor should fight for what is best for you and dc. If he goes to court he may get pr and contact. Be brave op, don't let anyone walk over you.

He is harassing you whist there is pin. That won't look good, report it.
Solicitor is making money, don't worry. You are as good as anyone, your dc deserves the best. He needs standing up to. His solicitor will advise him, he doesn't need to speak to you at this stage.

If there is DV/DA, mediation is not suitable and you cannot be forced to do it - whether or not it subsequently goes to court.

Check whether legal aid would pay for mediation if it's necessary.