Having Lost Weight, what do I say to this?

[DamnItAllToHell]

I was a size 10 to 12 for years when young. After 4 kids, born over a 20 year span, I ended up slightly into the obese range of BMI and weighed almost 13 stone. My clothes size was variable, which I believe is due to shit sizing by manufacturers these days, and which meant I could no longer say what dress size I was to compare with my youth.

Anyway, afetr a health scare just over 2 and half years ago, my GP offered me 12 weeks free at slimming world, which I took and which worked well. I now hover slightly over into the overweight range, but mostly am at the top end of normal. I am 5ft 4inches tall and weigh 10st 7lb. I have been this weight for almost 2 years and have never exceeded the 3lbs up/down leeway given by slimming world to target members.

I feel healthy (mostly), and I can walk further than I have done in years. Trouble is other people! From my mother (who was never a great mother, so we don't have a fantastic relationship) to people at my weekly hobby group, I have lost count of how many of them have said "don't lose anymore weight, you've lost enough" . My Mother takes this further and says I look haggard and am too obsessed with food and what I can/can't eat.

It's true I do try and be careful. because I don't want to end up back where I was before losing weight, but since I am at the top, the VERY top of normal range, surely IANBU to want to stay around that weight? FFS I could go a lot lower and still be classed as in a normal range!

Can someone please give me some responses that won't make me sound horrible or too defensive?

I have always been small framed and thin I get it from people all the time and again they are actually overweight. I feel more put out by the fact that if I would say something similar to them about their weight they would be quite rightly upset and hurt but seem to think its ok to say those things to me.
Well done for the weight loss op, Its more important to be happy with yourself and to be the size you are happy with, they are just taking their own insecurities out on you.

Ignore ignore! I’m very overweight and working on it and have been ‘warned’ that i’ll Look haggard when my face isn’t as filled out. FFS. At the moment i’m At high risk of cancers, diabetes, fatty liver and I have joint pain... i’ll Take haggard over an early death any day...

I know where you are coming from with this. In 2017 I lost 5 stone, and the following year a further stone. I maintain this now through pretty constant vigilance. My BMI this morning was 23.9 so I am hardly at the low end of the scale. I in fact would have liked to have lost another stone, but I realise that for me, for whatever reason (post menopausal/no thyroid gland/laziness/greed etc etc) this is probably not going to happen without sacrifices I’m not willing to make, and I’m pretty much at peace with that. I run three times a week, weight train and eat well. I feel better than I have for decades. People who I have met since my weightloss compliment me often on my clothes etc. But people who knew my obese - and I was very obese - give me a constant litany of ‘not still dieting, are you’, ‘don’t loose any more’, you look haggard’, ‘are you sure you aren’t developing an ED’ ‘surely one won’t hurt’ etc etc etc. My GP says I look fantastic, and in fact commented when I last saw her that all the healthy fats and low carbs had given me a lovely skin. Husband and adult DD also very supportive, but honestly, one day I am going to punch someone in their cake-eating chops!

Oh, and I would add - at 5 foot 7, these comments started around the 13.5 stone mark. I was only just starting to edge out of obese at that point.

It's all about making themselves feel better. They're trying to 'keep you in your place' in relation to them and avoid feeling 'shown up' by you (as, if you can lose weight, maybe they could too if they wanted to).

Maybe that idea isn't comfortable for them, as they prefer to see their weight as beyond their control. And, if they can infer this from your weight loss, so can other people - so having you stand next to them invites judgement of them by others, in relation to you i.e. you were able to lose weight, why can't they?

You focus on what's best for you. Leave them to decide what's best for them.

Keep your responses cheerful and vague, 'I'm really happy with my weight, thanks', or just 'interesting to hear your perspective, thanks'.

i’ll Take haggard over an early death any day...

If you're feeling particularly feisty try this one, OP! Maybe with a tinkly little laugh YANBU at all, incidentally.

Saying "Oh, I agree it's important not to lose too much, of course, because fat is an important source of oestrogen when you get to over 60. I'm careful not to overdo it though" is good and wrong-foots them, because you are agreeing with them on the one hand but reasserting your position on the other.

lose not loose ffs. My rant made me forget to read it back before posting.

Would it be better if they said "You look SOOOO much better now, make sure you never get as big as you were before, as that was awful!"

Weird thing to say. Of course it wouldn't be better

You could pull any old random stuff (as you just have) out of the bag and ask if that would be better.

What would actually be better for the OP is if people kept their nose out of her weight loss.

Ignore. Some people are not aware of healthy diets/lifestyle etc. Its far healthier to be slightly too thin then over weight. As long as you are getting the correct nutrients.

You do you.

I follow alot of fitness and health accounts on Instagram. Particularly those who follow the same fitness and health regime I do. It's nice to get new ideas and be informed of what's coming up. Some of it is pretty inspirational.

But one phrase pervades pretty much every single persons account.

you do you

Don't try to please others, don't set yourself unrealistic or uncomfortable goals and just be you. Do what you are comfortable with.
If you want to lose a bit more, go for it. If you're happy as you are, fantastic. Never forget that your health (including your mental health) is important and should be prioritised well ahead of anyone else's opinions or criticisms.

This absolutely happened to me as well - my mother, women colleagues, friends - all came out with similar things. I put it down to, not envy exactly, but a dynamic in each relationship changing slightly as people accommodated the different me, and I took it more as a compliment than anything else. I just laughed and said "I've got a bit to go, don't discourage me." No idea if it was the right response or not...

I agree that you should do as you please.
Just say, 'I've worked hard to get to this point and plan to maintain it. Thank you anyway'.

Keep the faith - you are not letting yourself down by not standing up for yourself - you are choosing your battles and this is one that you don't need to waste energy on.
The kind of people that focus on the negative and will defensively say that they are only trying to be kind are actually being self centred. Your weightloss and how you look is an instant reminder of what bothers them - either they are too overweight themselves, or they measure themselves as prettier/thinner than you and don't like the idea of a new you.
It is not your job to correct them, smile and ignore and know that they are not ready to deal with their own insecurities.
Secure people will only be congratulating you and supporting you to continue to live healthily.

That is out of order
She could be jealous
I was food shamed by a so called friend when I lost weight ... she’s not my friend anymore but it’s difficult when it’s your Mum of course
Sorry you are going through this ... don’t give up and don’t let anybody dulll your sparkle ... well done for losing the weight and getting healthier

Crabs in a bucket, OP. :) That's all there is to it.

I agree with everyone above, and (having been through similar) find the best response is a refusal to take it in, and a breezy “thanks! Pass the mustard?” Or nodding your head sagely and saying “oh yes, I know that does happen, and did anyone see Wimbledon yesterday?” Or finally laughing and say “you are so right, by the way did I tell you I saw Carol last week and she’s moving house?”

It’s great, as they can’t argue when you agree with them, but they don’t get to have their little pseudo-passive attack, which I found was more about their feelings of inadequacy about their weight or looks than me.

I kinda enjoy it when people say something now

Never fails to amaze me how people can be offsive and ether not care or realise.
I'm a runner and loads of people slag me off for it saying "you must be mad " and "wouldn't catch me doing that"

Can you imagine going up to a fat person and saying '''''don't put anymore weight on you'll look massive" you just wouldn't do it

I echo what others are saying; their comments are borne of jealousy, as are their rather nasty "haggard" comments. I mean, wtf? That's so horrible!!

Op I’ve been in a similar situ. Although some people were just jealous from their comments I honestly think some people were worried I’d developed some kind of eating disorder to lose so much weight and were worried I’d eventually become unhealthily thin or need help with an exercise obsession or eating disorder. Their comments were from a kind well meaning place. Not sure this is the case in your situ but worth mentioning considering.

Mothers do worry! My older sister started out like this and developed serious anorexia at the age of 28 which led to her being in an inpatient unit for 18 months. She didn't see her two boys for almost a year.
She is now 32 and is fully recovered, and welcomed another little boy into the world in autumn last year.
I am not suggesting you're the same, you've done an incredible thing for your life and health and I'm proud of you for striving to maintain this, but all I'm saying is don't be too strict with yourself. Count memories not calories. (my sister's motto)

Aye it's a sabotage thing. People like people to stay in their little box otherwise it gives them no excuse to not better themselves. I used to go to slimming world and have seen it myself amongst the members. People nearing target but not there yet being told to call target because they will look ill if they were to lose anymore.
You get to where you are happy with your weight and if you want something to say to them just say you have stopped losing or you gained this week etc

Congrats on your loss!

I'm looking forward to that annoying stage where people make that sort of comment. However, I've only just made it to the stage where I've lost enough that even my Dad noticed, so a way to go yet before my mum starts panicking about eating disorders. (though I'm now at the phase where I have exceeded her in fitness, which she is incredibly cranky about!)

FWIW, I only enjoy losing weight for myself. Even positive comments from people piss me off, because it feels like they thought I was a right heifer before. Or women who've lost weight but regained it.

After my wedding, people seemed particularly keen to tell me that after that they'd piled it all back on. Just done my measurements today and compared to my wedding dress measures - 4" off the hips, 2" off the waist since then!

They say it because it makes them feel better about being a bit overweight and doing nothing about it. Just ignore it. It's annoying, yeah, but you're doing you and you're doing well so just ignore it.

They say it because it makes them feel better about being a bit overweight and doing nothing about it.

Absolutely this ^ It totally justifies their own weight. Ignore it and well done to you

"I'm not too focused on how I look, I'm focused on how I feel - and I feel amazing* so much energy!"

Then display your newfound energy by running away from them. [GRIN]

(*As long as you DO feel amazing, of course)