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Original poster

I can't forgive her...

62 replies

LAS504 · 07/07/2019 20:22

Last year my good friend and I made a plan to celebrate our 40th birthday (one day apart) with a weekend getaway to the shore. We found a place close to where she was raised and paid extra to get the best room. She invited a couple of other friends and two of her childhood mates decided to get a room for the weekend, as well. The more the merrier, I said.

I told my other friends who asked about an in-town celebration that I did not plan to do anything other than the weekend get-away. Low key, child and husband-free time to celebrate, walk the beach and relax. Perfect.

Well. When I arrived at the shore, I discovered her friends had no idea this was intended to be a joint celebration. They had set up a bar with her favorite drinks, had banners, crowns, etc. In short, the entire weekend was all about her...every meal there were toasts to her, etc. Literally no mention of my birthday.

I was incredibly disappointed...and embarrassed. How could I get it so wrong? How could my friend treat me so...even if we had not planned it as a joint birthday, would you not acknowledge a friend who shared the same birthday?

It has been almost a year and I have not talked to her. She is reaching out to get together but I really don't want to see her. Perhaps I would feel differently if she had apologized or at least acknowledged that the weekend was not what we planned. I don't know. She I have not had the expectation that it would still involve me when it was only her friends who were invited? I want to be reasonable, but I am hurt, still.

OP posts:
NewYoiker · 07/07/2019 20:25

She sounds horrible

DontTouchMyCurls · 07/07/2019 20:30

She sounds selfish. I wouldn't put myself through it again. Celebrate with nicer friends

TuesdayAfter · 07/07/2019 20:31

That's awful, OP.

Really selfish of her to not ensure your birthday was acknowledged too.

I'd hàve been so hurt too.

TeaForTheWin · 07/07/2019 20:33

Meh, she's a cow. Actually that's an insult to cows...cows are lovely. She isn't.

I wouldn't even make an excuse not to see her. I would just be like 'nope' and walk away/block contact.

SparklyMagpie · 07/07/2019 20:34

Not nice at all :(

So did she not even mention it was your birthday to her friends, once??

ShirleyPhallus · 07/07/2019 20:35

This reads like a book

Lazypuppy · 07/07/2019 20:36

What did she say when you told her how upset you were at the time?

PawsForPizza · 07/07/2019 20:37

The shore?

HappyNOTdriving · 07/07/2019 20:39

It's been a year just make the final decision that the friendship is over.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/07/2019 20:39

Sorry op. Your friends didnt come. She has really good friends who wanted to celebrate with her. Its all very awkward.

GoGoGoGoGo · 07/07/2019 20:40

Did you say anything at the time?

Cryalot2 · 07/07/2019 20:41

You have every right to be upset Flowers I think most people would be.
She needs to apologise big time befors you can be friends .

Original poster
LAS504 · 07/07/2019 20:42

I didn't say anything about it to her at the time. I brought up 'our birthday' two or three times when we first got there but it was clear this was to be her birthday weekend. I put on brave face for the first two dinners but by the last one, I'm sure they all thought I was a bummer.

OP posts:
42isthemeaning · 07/07/2019 20:44

That's horrible! No true friend would have treated you that way! I wouldn't bother with her again. Stick to people who care about you. She doesn't.

AlansLeftMoob · 07/07/2019 20:44

What did she do/say at the time? What did you do all weekend while they celebrated her? Have you just ghosted her for a whole year?

pasturesgreen · 07/07/2019 20:46

That was spectacularly shit of your 'friend'. There doesn't seem to be much of a friendship to salvage, so I'd just pull the plug and let her know how you felt at the time, then block.

Original poster
LAS504 · 07/07/2019 20:46

Yes. My friends were not there, hers were and that's where it's tricky. This was originally just going to be the two of us and she was going elsewhere with her group of friends. That fell through so she added them to our trip after we had already reserved the room. I like her friends so didn't really think anything of it at the time.

OP posts:
Divebar · 07/07/2019 20:54

I think it was shit way to treat you and I would have been embarrassed to have my friends constantly refer to my birthday only. However , the dynamic was set up when you chose to stay near her old home and when her friends decided to tag along. Unless you know them too, and unless she made a huge effort to include you they were always going to make it about her... at best you were an afterthought. It also sounds like she didn’t mind too much about it either. Only you know whether this is typical of her as a person or whether she is generally just self centred.

Cakemadeoffruit · 07/07/2019 20:57

I'm in your shoes but coming up to being three years down the line and I'm still incredibly hurt and angry at it. She got birthday badge, presents and balloons tied to her chair I didn't even get a nod.

I know I should be the better person but I can't and it has really affected our friendship, not just with her, but with all those there, as it has opened my eyes to just how thoughtless they are.

I've never raised it with her, she just knows I'm 'off' with her and tbh I haven't the energy or inclination to talk to her about it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/07/2019 21:35

it is utterly shameless of her to sit through those toasts and never stand up and toast you and mention to everyone that it was your birthday too. I'm sure if she'd done that her friends would have had the manners to raise a glass to you too.
Its a bit wierd TBH.. it sounds like she has a massive ego and was enjoying being Queen Bee. Did she even get you a present and a card?

Actually I think you should tell her how you feel about her crap treatment.

helpmum2003 · 07/07/2019 21:40

I would tell her how hurt you were by it all and unless there is an exceptional reason or apology block all future contact. It's horrible and she's not a friend...

IvanaPee · 07/07/2019 21:46

Do you think she was trying to avoid making her friends feel awkward? Would they feel obligated to buy you drinks or dinner or whatever?

DisappearingGirl · 07/07/2019 21:47

That's horrible. A normal/nice response to the nice stuff her friends had set up for her would be to have said "Oh of course it's LAS's birthday too, let's do a toast to both of us!" and I'm sure her friends would have then done the same assuming they are nice people

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 07/07/2019 21:50

Waw op you have an interesting writing style to fall back on if you're day job ever lets you down
YANBU

SandyY2K · 07/07/2019 21:52

I would either decide to totally cut her out of your life, or let her know why you're so pissed off.

A decent person would have told her friends it was a joint birthday celebration.

I'm surprised you managed to stay the weekend... I'd probably have left early so they could continue.

At this point you need to move on and not dwell on it. If you want a better memory of your 40th...you can do/plan something really special with your own friends now and explain your celebration last year went wrong.

Life's too short to carry around the anger.

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