I can't forgive her...

[LAS504]

Last year my good friend and I made a plan to celebrate our 40th birthday (one day apart) with a weekend getaway to the shore. We found a place close to where she was raised and paid extra to get the best room. She invited a couple of other friends and two of her childhood mates decided to get a room for the weekend, as well. The more the merrier, I said.

I told my other friends who asked about an in-town celebration that I did not plan to do anything other than the weekend get-away. Low key, child and husband-free time to celebrate, walk the beach and relax. Perfect.

Well. When I arrived at the shore, I discovered her friends had no idea this was intended to be a joint celebration. They had set up a bar with her favorite drinks, had banners, crowns, etc. In short, the entire weekend was all about her...every meal there were toasts to her, etc. Literally no mention of my birthday.

I was incredibly disappointed...and embarrassed. How could I get it so wrong? How could my friend treat me so...even if we had not planned it as a joint birthday, would you not acknowledge a friend who shared the same birthday?

It has been almost a year and I have not talked to her. She is reaching out to get together but I really don't want to see her. Perhaps I would feel differently if she had apologized or at least acknowledged that the weekend was not what we planned. I don't know. She I have not had the expectation that it would still involve me when it was only her friends who were invited? I want to be reasonable, but I am hurt, still.

i think id be pissed off at that too

Very unpleasant behaviour. Did you mention it was your birthday to her friends at any point in the evening? I understand it was all a bit awkward but given the existing celebratory mood, drinks flowing etc I would have have said something, not in expectation of receiving birthday drinks etc but just to call out her blatant rudeness.

Tbh even if she had acknowledged your birthday it sounds as if you would have got a quick toast at best and then the celebrations would have continued to focus entirely on her. I’m not sure if that would have made things better or worse.

Personally I would have left well before the third(!) meal.

Sorry but I lost you at ‘the shore’

Shore: noun: the land along the edge of a sea, lake or other large body of water.

Hope that helps.

She placed her fat selfish arse on the see-saw.. inviting her friends, changing the balance and made sure the birthday weekend was all about her..

She's selfish cow, do not contact her again ..

Thank you all for your input. It helps tremendously to know I am not crazy for feeling hurt and you made some very good points. I may talk to her and acknowledge that I should have paid more attention to the 'changed dynamic' when her friends joined our weekend getaway but also make it clear that I was very disappointed and hurt that she just let it go on and on. She may have felt it would be awkward to correct her friends but that shouldn't have stopped her from acknowledging to me what was happening.

Again, thank you for your input. I do like to write...sorry I'm a bit long-winded and apparently I make some unusual word choices!

@LAS504

First of all, I am sorry that you had to have this experience. I guess I am wondering why you wanted to spend your 40th Birthday at a beach house on your own with your best friend without the involvement of your husband or other family members?

You call this girl your best friend but did you both not talk about the set-up of the weekend before you all arrived? If it were me, I would have discussed in detail the plans with a said friend before the weekend and then that would be the opportunity for her to tell me that my friends are coming and then you can be like okay I will invite people as well.

Even though it is incredibly rude of the way everything went down for you, these people (from what you say) do not know you, and we don't know what has been reported to them before the weekend. Your friend could have played down that it's your birthday or just forgot to mention you altogether. We will never know!

I also think you have to take ownership to a certain extent. You knew that she was inviting people (from what you said, you knew others were going to be there whether it went down the way it did or not) and you had the opportunity to include your people so they can give you speeches and do something for you, but you did not invite your husband, family, other friends? Why?

My friends are important, but my husband is my whole world so I find it hard to understand why anyone would want to spend such a milestone occasion without that person (unless there's backstory I do not know about then I am sorry).

Going forward I think what's done is done and you cannot change the past, you cannot control the behaviour or actions of other people. All you can do is control what you say and do. I am not saying be friends with the girl again or for you to move past it and for everything to go back to normal but you could sit down with her and have it out peacefully and constructively way to show your friend that you were hurt. I think choosing to forgive someone is not about them, but it is about letting yourself free of the situation and the emotions and baggage that comes with it.

You are clearly still hurt, or you would not be writing something on an internet website about something that happened a year ago. I remember last year my friends annoying me at times, but today I cannot remember why so it must have really struck a chord with you, and I do not think you have really processed this experience. You also most likely feel like your 40th Birthday was ruined and I do not blame you, but honey give yourself a do-over, it's not too late.

Go big or go home and for your next birthday, organise the biggest best party, invite everything you know and love and do a theme like If I could be 40 again, this is what kind of party I would have or something. This idea sounds better in my head also. Whatever you do, just let go and move on. You are worth more than this and whether your friend intentionally made it all about her or not, what's done is done and focus on your family.

I had the one best friend since high school and this past year because her life went a different direction, that friendship changed. I am a sad yes, but the way I see it is this. I am okay with whatever happens as long as I have my husband, he is my everything, and it is only HIM and HIM alone that can disappoint me so much and make me cry. No one else gets that satisfaction.

I hope and pray; you feel better soon, no matter the outcome. Sending you hugs and well wishes to you and your family. My only last piece of advice is that if you want to respond to your friend (if you have not done so already), be polite about it. If you do not want to see her, then tell her your busy and will get in touch with her when you are free.

Best wishes and I hope you start planning that party because you really do deserve it.

To answer a couple do your questions, FreeSpirit...

Recognizing this was a 'milestone' birthday, we both wanted to do something fun to mark the occasion. My friend has never married and is also the type who gets very depressed around her birthday (child-bearing years slipping by and all that). I thought this would be a very nice way to celebrate...I get some adult time away from home and she is not being reminded that she is single and I am not. It leveled the field, so to speak.

We did communicate beforehand but we are both incredibly busy. We didn't sit down and go over the details 100 times as we would have when we were 20. It should have been pretty straightforward.

I adore my husband and he me. We have been together for almost 20 years and are going strong. No need to worry about us...we choose to spend time with other friends and interests. He and I had a very nice romantic dinner before I left for the weekend.

I absolutely take ownership of the fact that I should have recognized that her friends joining us would change the dynamic. And as someone else pointed out, it would have been any better if they had just toasted me at dinner one night. The bottom line is it went from our birthday getaway to me being a guest at her birthday weekend without me realizing it. And yes, it still bothers me which is why I asked strangers to help me work through it. I don't want to talk badly about her to mutual friends nor do I want to continue to feel angry. I want to put it behind me and 41 on my terms!

Put your big girl pants on.
You're 40!!
Why did you not take her aside at the time to explain your feelings. You've stewed on this for a year. She has no idea what is up.
Be assertive ffs, and tell her why you have dumped her.
Why are you playing the victim? You are an adult.

YANBU at all

Can’t even understand why anyone would say it’s remotely your fault?
You arranged a JOINT celebratory holiday with your good friend. She then invited some others, who you like, to join your ALREADY BOOKED JOINT CELEBRATORY HOLIDAY.

She must have told them it was a get away for her birthday and they knew nothing of it being joint. If this had been a genuine oversight then she would have been absolutely bloody mortified when she walked into the bar and all the decorations and everything was for her and her alone. She would have immediately put it right.

But she didn’t - she’s completely lapped up being the birthday girl with no regard for your original plans nor any graciousness to at least acknowledge your birthday.

She’s either a class A bitch, socially incompetent or extremely self indulgent.

Honestly what a horrible situation you were put in, I’d have gone home in the same circumstances. You’re a saint for being the bigger person and allowing her to be the centre of attention. Wonder if her friends even realised or were told after? I’d be mortified.

Are you American OP?

Well OP I was supposed to be taken out for the day by my NCT group for my big birthday, 6 weeks before the planned date a parents evening came up at my DD’s school for the same date, I asked them if we could change the date, they ignored me and went out without me!! I feel your pain. YANBU

That’s awful OP, she treated you very badly, and I’m not surprised you’re still angry. However, I don’t understand why you didn’t say something at the time. I would definitely have said hey everyone, you know this is a joint 40th don’t you?!

As an aside - I’ve never heard the coast/seaside referred to as “the shore” in this context. What part of the country are you from? Just curious.

Thank you @YANBU. You hit the nail on the head.

@Yeahnahyeah I'm trying to put on my big girl pants. I would like to respond to her thoughtfully rather than ripping her a new one. We have both been very busy so have not been in contact and I have not really given it much thought. Now it's summer...she has called...and I have realized I'm still really angry. In my mind she's a raging bitch...but was hoping for outside perspective. I'm not playing the victim, just trying to be thoughtful and mature.

British father, American mother, grew up in Hong Kong!

Are you American op?

@Eliza9919

I am half American and currently living in the southern US. I grew up in Hong Kong. My father is British.

@NCforanonymity that's truly awful. I'm sorry.

She sounds horrible. She could have told her friends that it was your birthday too but she chose not too. Sorry OP move on and forget her just like she did to you.

I am puzzled at the difficulty in understanding what the word "shore" means. Have you never heard of the tongue twister she sells sea shells on the sea shore? I thought it was a well-known phrase! Its blindingly obvious what the OP meant when she said shore, unless you have lived a very sheltered life inland & never visited the beach aka sea shore!

If you don't want to continue the friendships then don't, she doesn't sound like a good friend. I would just brush her off and if she questions why then tell her.

Not sure what the fuss is. Shore is a common word. Lot's of people call going to the lake going to the shore. (There's a Lake Shore Drive in Chicago or North Shore/South shore at Lake Tahoe). Here's the lyrics to an Old song about the sea shore, one of my favorites Ebb Tide;

First the tide rushes in
Plants a kiss on the shore
Then rolls out to sea
And the sea is very still once more
So I rush to your side
Like the oncoming tide
With one burning thought
Will your arms open wide
At last we're face to face
And as we kiss through an embrace
I can tell, I, I can feel
You are love, you are real
Really mine in the rain
In the dark, in the sun
Like the tide at its ebb
I'm at peace in the web of your arms
Ebb tide

YANBU at all. But I would just tell her how you feel and then put it behind you. If she apologizes and you can move on, great.

If she doesn't accept how hurt you feel then maybe you will choose not to see her again.

I'm getting on and friendships that have lasted years do mean a lot. It was not nice and you are not to blame but I would talk to her and move on.

TBH, I don’t really get it. You turned 40, not 4. But if you’re angry, decide if you want to raise the issue and end the friendship, or raise the issue and hope to save the friendship.

Sometimes, it takes one event like this to realise that someone is not a good friend, or something has changed beyond repair. If this person did not even make an effort to apologise or acknowledge her behaviour, it's a lost cause.

My twin did this to me but really I should have seen it coming, she has always been very selfish. I flew interstate for our 30th so we could celebrate together as she moved interstate years ago (she asked me if I would). The whole weekend all of her friends sang happy birthday to her and celebrated her birthday while I was ignored.

Let it go but don't forget.

Happy Birthday!!