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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to go ahead and meet long lost father?

41 replies

GerrytheBerry · 07/07/2019 20:12

My parents split when I was 15, it was very messy and my mum put pressure on my dsis and I to cut ties with df. Including getting rid of all photos of him. My df had been a good father to me but due to the nature of the split and my impressionable age I agreed to cut him out. Don't want to drip feed so I will state the reason my parents split is because my df had come out as gay. Apparently my dm had known for a long time but chose to stay together for us kids.
Over the years his name is dirty where my dm is concerned and afaik no other family have contact with him. However I now have my own dc and I realise that I am who I am because of my dd, the things he did with me and taught me. I realised I miss him. I have googled him to no avail apart from finding the town he now lives in.
Strange thing happened today I saw something advertised locally that I was looking for and messaged to go and see it, when the seller replied, it is my df! He won't know its me as I am now married so different surname, but I am so shocked that it seems fate has brought me to him. I feel all kinds of emotion. Df is away until later in the week so I have a few days to decide what to do. If I go ahead and turn up and we decide to keep in contact and then dm finds out, she will cast me out I'm sure. I am so torn what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Please no nasty comments about being homophobic etc, I definitely am not! I regret the decision I made when I was still a kid every day.

OP posts:
2cats2many · 07/07/2019 20:14

Oh, definitely go and take this opportunity to rekindle your relationship.

I wish you all the luck in the world Flowers

haflump · 07/07/2019 20:16

Sounds like such a lovely thing to be able to reconnect after all these years, I would definitely do it! You’re an adult now, you’re perfectly capable of making your own decisions without your DM holding threats against you if you don’t bend to her wishes. Go for it!

Haffdonga · 07/07/2019 20:18

My df had been a good father to me
and
I realised I miss him
and
I regret the decision I made when I was still a kid every day

I think you have answered your own question. Your dm doesn't need to know.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2019 20:18

What your mother did is unforgivable in my opinion. Forcing you to erase your father out of your life simply for being gay was wrong in every sense of the word, and my heart breaks for you AND your dad. I would absolutely try to reestablish a relationship with him, and I wouldn't give two fucks what your mother thinks about it. If she is so hateful and pathetic as to cut you off, so be it. She is a horrible person.

TheTrollFairy · 07/07/2019 20:19

Do it!
Your dad came out as gay, and as shitty as that must have been for your mum, it’s not something which he deserved to lose his kids over. If your mum casts you aside for that then it shows what she’s like and no reflection on you

Sparklesocks · 07/07/2019 20:19

Absolutely go for it. Flowers

I think just try to manage expectations if you can though, just because sometimes people in these scenarios have quite specific ideas of how these reconciliations will go and it doesn’t always live up to them, or it looks a bit different. Not to put you off of course, but just be wary if you can ❤️

OhioOhioOhio · 07/07/2019 20:20

Don't be hard on your mum. She wasn't fair but I'm sure she didn't mean you any pain.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 07/07/2019 20:26

You only get one father op and if he was good and kind you have got nothing to lose, life is too short go and see him. My df is currently in the hospice after a stroke with terminal cancer, you never know what life throws at you. Take this opportunity and go and reconnect before it too late Flowers

missmartini · 07/07/2019 20:27

I think you should do it.

You're mum must have been so hurt at the time and transferred her hurt and anger on to you. Hard to say no when you were only 15.

She might be upset but I think (and hope) that will be short term for you both and you can find a way to move forward with both your parents in your life.

Original poster
GerrytheBerry · 07/07/2019 20:34

Wow thank you for so many replies already, I think I do have to go and meet him, I would always regret if I didn't and it does seem fate has had a hand in it. I am aware that he might not quite be the same as I remember him, and he may well be bet bitter, and may not actually want to see me! These are all things that I worry about. Most of my childhood memories are of df. We had some amazing times I have a lump in my throat just thinking about them.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 07/07/2019 20:37

I think you should warn him rather than just turning up on the pretext of buying his thing.

Write an email telling him what you've told us and ask if he would like to meet.

31RueCambon · 07/07/2019 20:37

Wow that seems like a beautiful coincidence.

MummatoaMunchkin · 07/07/2019 20:41

Op do it! Like you said its fate and youll always regret not going.

What you could do is write him a letter explaining everything, if thats easier give it to him? And leave him to process? But dont pass up this chance.

My mother turned me against my dad when they first split up, granted he did say and do some stupid things but he was in pain. Like you alot of my childhood memories include him and i was (and am) a big daddys girl, my mother always resented it.

Luckily we sorted it out very quickly but ill never forgive her for what she tried to so and ill always feel guilty even though i was at an impressionable age too.

Good luck op!

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 07/07/2019 20:55

Oh, definitely see him! I feel for you and your father. What some mothers do to destroy the relationship between children and their father is truly hateful. I wish you and your father the very best, and hope that you recover the bond you had with him as a child.

Rachelover40 · 07/07/2019 21:04

Do go and meet him, you will not regret it. Your mother doesn't have to know.

It will be exciting to see him after all this time and I bet he will nearly cry (or cry); you certainly will. Do let us know please.

Wine
Starlight456 · 07/07/2019 21:04

I would definitely do this although I would probably message him and let him know you have been looking for him.

Grumpyandtired91 · 07/07/2019 22:28

Go meet him! He’s your dad at the end of the day and I’m sure he won’t hold you responsible for the decision made as you were only a child. Catch up on the lost time while you still have the chance :) good luck x

Grumpyunleashed · 08/07/2019 02:24

Ooh another Grumpy, how exciting.

Yes I would be tempted to see him as well, you clearly still care about him and yes your mother clearly should never have pushed you into NC.

But she did, she clearly felt betrayed & hurt etc. Also it appears she likes to hold a grudge.

Thereforefore before you dash round or pick up a phone I urge you to consider what will happen to you relationship with your mother WHEN she finds out that you have reopened contact.

Finally, be prepared, He will have moved on with life as well, it is possible he will not want to know you anymore.

Good luck.

LogieBogie · 08/07/2019 03:23

Go for it! How exciting. Hope it goes well :)

justilou1 · 08/07/2019 03:35

Do you think he will recognize you? What if he has been keeping tabs on you?

WellThisIsShit · 08/07/2019 05:04

I’d take this opportunity, but guard your heart well, just in case Flowers

Definitely keep it very quiet from your mother for a long time to come though, don’t upset the apple cart there.

Justanothernameonthepage · 08/07/2019 05:35

Write a letter explaining everything so that if he reacts with shock and shuts down, he can digest it in his own time. Good luck.

yakari · 08/07/2019 05:44

Whilst in the 'go meet him camp' I also urge you to take stock on the realities of the situation

  1. steel yourself for him to be different, perhaps bitter towards your mum, angry about the life of his family that he lost. How will you feel if it's a poor reunion, what if you don't connect?
  2. work out what you would say if he wants to meet anyone else in your family especially your Sister. How would she feel - would she want to meet him, would she tell your mum?
  3. assume one way or another your mum will find out - what does that mean, to you, her relationship with your kids, your sister ...

I do believe you should do it, but don't do it blindly. Take the time to work out what's the ripple effect and then if it's still want you want, all the best of luck to you!

makingmammaries · 08/07/2019 07:28

I say go for it. Since fate has thrown you this chance, you should do it. Personally I wouldn’t warn him, in case he says no. This way you at least get to have a look at him.

If/when your mother finds out, you could just tell her in the most assertive tone you possess that you are an adult and can see anyone you want.

Hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
GerrytheBerry · 08/07/2019 08:01

After having slept on it I am really not sure anymore. I am scared that he might be angry and upset and I am also scared of the repercussions. I am leaning towards sending him a message revealing who I am and telling him my regrets and explaining the situation that I'm in. Even that is scary to me really because in the early days /years after the split he was very bitter and would approach people we knew to slate us. This is hearsay though, and he has never done anything actually spiteful or nasty. I can understand now that I'm a mum just how he might have felt when we disowned him. I'm surprised he survived it all to be honest, I am not that strong. I have a lot of thinking to do!

OP posts:
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