Aibu to go ahead and meet long lost father?

[GerrytheBerry]

My parents split when I was 15, it was very messy and my mum put pressure on my dsis and I to cut ties with df. Including getting rid of all photos of him. My df had been a good father to me but due to the nature of the split and my impressionable age I agreed to cut him out. Don't want to drip feed so I will state the reason my parents split is because my df had come out as gay. Apparently my dm had known for a long time but chose to stay together for us kids.
Over the years his name is dirty where my dm is concerned and afaik no other family have contact with him. However I now have my own dc and I realise that I am who I am because of my dd, the things he did with me and taught me. I realised I miss him. I have googled him to no avail apart from finding the town he now lives in.
Strange thing happened today I saw something advertised locally that I was looking for and messaged to go and see it, when the seller replied, it is my df! He won't know its me as I am now married so different surname, but I am so shocked that it seems fate has brought me to him. I feel all kinds of emotion. Df is away until later in the week so I have a few days to decide what to do. If I go ahead and turn up and we decide to keep in contact and then dm finds out, she will cast me out I'm sure. I am so torn what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Please no nasty comments about being homophobic etc, I definitely am not! I regret the decision I made when I was still a kid every day.

I absolutely would. Perhaps messaging first would be a good idea so you're not springing it on him though.

I honestly think that is a much better idea than just turning up under the guise of buying something, which could be awful for him.... it puts the ball in his court and allows him to come to you in his time.

I also would meet him. Life is too short

@GerrytheBerry

I can understand now that I'm a mum just how he might have felt when we disowned him. I'm surprised he survived it all to be honest,

This is what you send him..

I have sent a message to say I no longer need the item and apologies. I am giving myself a few days to decide how to compose an email, I know what I need to say but it's just the opening lines really, how do I announce that I'm his daughter who he hasn't seen for over 20 years?

"I realise that this may come as a shock..."

... but I think you are my Dad. I have such happy memories of you and I wondered if you would like to meet up? Even just for a coffee?

But you walked away for twenty years? I understand you feeling pressure to drop him at fifteen, although in my experience teenagers know what they want and are usually prepared to go against it if it’s something they want enough, but when you were an adult there was no excuse really was there?

Plus you’re still wary of affecting your relationship with your mother? Why? This is a woman who has no qualms about emotionally bullying people into what she wants, and while I understand that she may have been bitter at the time, by being afraid to upset her shows that you’ve clearly fallen under her influence and still value her opinion over the father you say you loved and admired....

If I were a parent I don’t think I could get past that. He hasn’t made the effort to meet you in the past twenty years, you’re an adult now and nothing is stopping you apart from the fact that you clearly still aren’t comfortable with the idea.

Contact him by all means, but be prepared for the fact that he may not want to have anything to do with you because, while he may understand why you did what you did as a child, as an adult you made your own choices.

I believe that you are over thinking this. There are a spectrum of responses that could happen and you have no idea - you and your dad are only human and who knows how it will play out on the day. BUT it doesn't matter to be honest - whether it's immediate open acceptance or a bit of a shock and a small amount of "oh fuck me"... a few hours or days later it will be "I'm so glad we had this chance to catch up". The default position is to do nowt and you don't get to meet. If it all goes wrong you are in the same position. Anything else is a bonus and I speak from experience and seriously think that instead of asking random strangers about how it might go, you need to grab the opportunity. Cancelling the eBay item was not necessary in my opinion as it has robbed you of an easy way in. Stating the obvious but once he's dead... he's dead and you will never have the chance again. Sometimes you have to throw a handful of corn into the air and see where life scatters them and take the chance. In a sentence "just do it please". You will a) amaze yourself and b) (given his courage at coming out to your mum) be surprised at his easy and open acceptance of your courage to reach out to him. X JFDI

It is never to late to reach out towards reconciliation. Understand that it may not happen overnight. Don't have expectations, but don't be afraid to try. Maybe you can find his home address and send a heartfelt letter there, and a few pictures. He can read and re-read it, and mull things over. Good luck.

Go and meet him. Life is too short for regrets. Best of luck x

Oh op

Fate has thrown you a wonderful opportunity.

Please, please don’t pass it up x

Maybe send another message saying that you have just realized who he is to you, etc...

I think you need to send a heartfelt message explaining who you are and see what happens. You have an opportunity here.

My situation is slightly different. My bio dad (apparently) didn’t want to know me. He left my mother pregnant.
I knew his name and his address at the time I was born, but that’s all I had to go in. I started doing some research on ancestry etc and one day I tracked him down.

I wrote to him, But sadly never got a response. It wasn’t the outcome I wanted. But for me the not knowing was far worse. I’m glad I did it. Because now I don’t think about it so much. Be prepared for a bad response, he may be hurting but you must do this. Both of you may have been wondering about contacting eachother for years. You now have an opportunity.
What’s the worse that can happen? He can be horrible to you, he could possibly not respond. If that’s the case then you can make your peace with it and move on with your life.
But there could also be a good outcome for you both. You won’t know unless you tell him who you are. Mine wasn’t the outcome I wanted but at least I know now that he’s not interested in me and I’ve moved on. Good luck op xx

I met my dad last year at age 26 , I hadn’t seen him since 1997 . Very messy divorce, lots of anger on all sides and upset . My dad walked out quite literally .

We made contact sporadically for about ten years first , via email ... and then finally agreed to meet in a neutral location .

Similar situation in that to my family, and his largely, he was mud, but my grandfather (his adoptive father) was a Christian man and I felt he would want me to try and forgive and forge a relationship . I felt if I didn’t I was being a bit bitter and holding a grudge that I needed to let go off .

One year on we talk most months on the phone and have met a few times since . I have had to come to terms with a lot and realised that we will probably not ever really discuss the past ... and I’ve realised some things happened for the best at the time . That was very hard to swallow . I’d also built up an image of mud dad in my mind and he wasn’t that at all .

But he is funny, warm, seems to care for me and whilst I don’t think we are totally at the father/daughter place we do not bad . Just small steps . We can remember happier things together too , and have sent each other photos which is nice .

I’ve not met his wife yet, for what it’s worth, I met her as a child , and she knows we talk , but I think it’s hard enough as it is . I stipulated to dad I just wanted to see him for now . I think you have to go in assertive and confident , remembering you’re an adult too now if that makes sense .

As for family ... they’ve kind of had to let me make my own choices . My mum still isn’t comfortable with it but she accepts that I need to make my own decisions about this . I had to meet him for my own peace of mind in lots of ways , it put a lot to rest in my mind that I’d been carrying around for years and years .

Wish you all the luck if you go for it

Please warn him so he can make time to talk , I’d hate to me unprepared for a reunion
Just say what you’ve said here he will understand