To not know how to get my identity back?

[jamoncrumpets]

As I have just realised that it's been completely subsumed by marriage and children and that I am now a walking cliche.

We moved house recently. We took all our larger pictures down at the old house and DH asked where they should go in the new one. I looked at our pictures. One is a framed cover of DH's favourite novel. One is a framed cover of one of his childhood favourite books. One is a photo of his favourite band. Two are posters for things to do with DH's work. Another is a poster of his favourite beauty spot. I encouraged him to buy these because he liked them. We both like them. But they're definitely his things.

But there's absolutely nothing that is mine. Not one thing. My childhood favourite books, favourite bands, films, novels, artists, etc have been consigned to nothingness and now I can't really remember what I actually like. I want to find something that I like.

And that just made me think that it's a wider issue and that I have been eroded down to something with no interests or voice of my own. And I don't know what to do about it.

I can’t imagine wanting to frame a picture of my favourite book, band, etc, so that in itself is weird. It’s almost like This is Your Life in wall art.

Just buy some pictures you like and put them up, surely?

It's not weird to frame book covers if you love books. Or rare photos of very much loved bands. His stuff is nice. It's just that don't really know what I like. That's the problem. I don't have a favourite anything any more.

What do you do when you're not looking after your children, op? You must have books you like to read or films you like to watch? Music you like to listen to? If you can't think of anything, take the kids down to the library and grab a few things for yourself. You only find out what you like by trying things out!

How much time to yourself do you get Vs how much time does your husband get?

Ie to read, listen to music, do sport, see friends?

We were in a book store once and there were prints of book covers, much like the one we already have but for different novels. I said 'Oh look I love that one!' DH: raised eyebrow 'Really?!'
Me: Never mind...

We have a print of a novel cover in our hall. It's huge. I've never read the novel. I find that even weirder but he doesn't.

I don't have time to do anything. My kids go to bed at 7. I make dinner. I have a shower and go to bed around 9 so that I can be functional when they wake up at 5am.

Weekends are swimming lessons and often more childcare.

Buy the book cover you liked, OP! Do it now. Put it up in your new hallway.

I found that setting myself small, manageable goals helped, e.g. setting a reading target of 20 books a year. It gave me an incentive to do stuff purely for myself, and before long I started to remember how much I enjoyed reading and what my tastes were.

I know this picture thing is indicative of something bigger btw, that's why I'm posting about it.

Thank you @Toohotformyliking - I will try that

I think for my first step I am going to tell DH to put the poster of the novel cover in his own work space. And suggest his childhood favourite cover go in DS's room.

how old are your DC?

Small DC. 4 and 1. The older one is autistic.

How much active parenting does your husband do?

He thinks lots.

I think not lots.

We are a deeply bookish household, but like a pp, I find it quite odd that your walls are covered in Things Your DH Likes, and enthusiasms he clearly still has time and mental energy for, but you are a shell of your former self? How old are your children? Why do you seem to get no time to yourself at all? I do remember feeling I was an ex-person when DS was small, but it all came back fairly shortly after I went back to work, certainly by the time he was 3 or so.

Ex person. That's me. Fuck.

I thought I was a feminist too.

Sorry, x-post. I think you need to hack out time for yourself, OP.

Do the thing where you make lists of what you both do and them try to even it up so you get some time for yourself

Well, I only have one child who is NT and has no additional needs, and I scampered back to work having been incredibly miserable on maternity leave, but your younger child is still very young I think your identity will seep back once they grow a little less dependent on you, but in the interests of not going mad in the interim, you need whatever and whoever suffers for it -- to carve out time for yourself to read, see the occasional film. Would a book group help?

I agree with small steps. I’m aiming to read a book a month and even though I only manage 15 minutes before I fall asleep in bed, I’m slowly getting there.

I had a bit of a moment like this. My DH was asked by a neighbour to take part in an opera. He used to be a professional musician, but he didn't sing. I was the one who sang, but no one knew this! I was so jealous, DH already was in bands and got to do so much music already. Being in an opera (which had actual real opera soloists) was basically my dream activity, and he got to do it, not me.

I decided that I had to put myself first and signed up to do an MA. It was good to do something where I wasn't a parent. I also joined a choir.

I don't have time to do anything. My kids go to bed at 7. I make dinner. I have a shower and go to bed around 9 so that I can be functional when they wake up at 5am.

Weekends are swimming lessons and often more childcare.

Where is your husband during all this?

Your DC are still very young. It will get much easier in a couple of years. But still, yes yes to actively carving out some time for yourself. Surely swimming lessons only take up a couple of hours each weekend?