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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to get my identity back?

59 replies

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2019 16:29

As I have just realised that it's been completely subsumed by marriage and children and that I am now a walking cliche.

We moved house recently. We took all our larger pictures down at the old house and DH asked where they should go in the new one. I looked at our pictures. One is a framed cover of DH's favourite novel. One is a framed cover of one of his childhood favourite books. One is a photo of his favourite band. Two are posters for things to do with DH's work. Another is a poster of his favourite beauty spot. I encouraged him to buy these because he liked them. We both like them. But they're definitely his things.

But there's absolutely nothing that is mine. Not one thing. My childhood favourite books, favourite bands, films, novels, artists, etc have been consigned to nothingness and now I can't really remember what I actually like. I want to find something that I like.

And that just made me think that it's a wider issue and that I have been eroded down to something with no interests or voice of my own. And I don't know what to do about it.

OP posts:

Beforetoday · 07/07/2019 16:58

I felt like this when my two were younger - I couldn’t work out what I wanted to read, wear, go, do, even what i thought anymore. It’s going to sound trite but I used to just start gathering things together that i liked the look of on a Pinterest account - everything from gardens to exhibits and books, art music - anything really that i related too. It really helped me to redefine and reconnect who i was, my taste, my opinions - future plans, memories (i have a desert island discs board!). It’s just a private thing that gave me pleasure and when I don’t have the head space it really helps to look at.

LtGreggs · 07/07/2019 16:58

OP the children are still little. It will pass and there will be space for you to come back - especially if you realise you need it!

My children are older primary age and there's more of me for me. But I do actively have to work at it. Sometimes I try to write down what would I (me me me) like to do or get out of today, or this weekend - it can be surprisingly hard to work that out () but actually easier to achieve once it is worked out.

I am still definitely less interesting for other adults to spend time with than pre-kids. I'm sad about that. But, little steps.

Can you get away by yourself for a weekend??

My DH has got better at active /everyday parenting as children have got older. Probably because it's easier but at least he's doing it.

Pineapplefish · 07/07/2019 16:59

Being a feminist is easy before you have kids! Fact!

LtGreggs · 07/07/2019 17:01

@beforetoday that reminds me of a suggestion I read to create a 'this is me' pinterest board, just of stuff you like. To remind you or help you work out who you are. And they also said not to get bogged down in perfectionism about it!

I might do that this evening

whatthewhatthewhat · 07/07/2019 17:06

It's a young kids thing
When they're older and you can actually do a poo in peace you'll find yourself again!

FamilyOfAliens · 07/07/2019 17:11

It's not weird to frame book covers if you love books.

Well, I think it is. I’ve only ever seen book covers in frames in bookshops. I love books - that’s why I have books I love on my bookshelves.

SeaSidePebbles · 07/07/2019 17:18

That was me a few years ago :)
It really shook me.
The thing is, my exH used to ridicule everything I expressed an interest in/liked. So I became shy and embarassed about anything personal. He would mock me in front of friends for my taste, book or music choices.
Anyway, it was a bit strange trying to rediscover who I am and what I like.
Socialise as much as you can, OP.

Original poster

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2019 17:25

DH wouldn't ridicule me. He's not cruel. And I think he would like to think he wants me to have things that are mine. But he cannot fully facilitate them because his interests are also his work, and his work is what pays the mortgage.

Urgh. I am thoroughly depressed by this realisation.

OP posts:

araiwa · 07/07/2019 17:25

All the threads complaining about dh having hobbies- this is why they do.

I highly suggest all parents get some sort of hobby

NecklessMumster · 07/07/2019 17:31

I'm a bit like this, with music though. We listen to 'his' music because his non verbal communication around my music puts me off a bit. But all the pictures on the walls are mine! I need time by myself to reconnect and remember who I am. I found it scarily easy to lose myself after having kids.

Fatted · 07/07/2019 17:33

I was like this OP when my kids were similar ages. It's been a long, hard slog but I am getting more of me back. It's been little bit by bit. Started with changing jobs. Then I've gradually started making more time for myself in the evenings after work. My kids are 6 and 4 now.

What's worked for us is we have set week day evenings one of goes out and the other has command of the TV/front room. I go to the gym two nights a week, DH goes to the gym two nights a week. Then weekends are chilling out together time. We also take it in turns with getting up with them on the mornings, making tea etc. I hate the idea of having a 'rota' but it has stopped arguments over the issue.

sackrifice · 07/07/2019 17:34

But he cannot fully facilitate them because his interests are also his work, and his work is what pays the mortgage

He can only work because you are there to look after the kids.

Start making your mark; go get that picture and get it onto a wall.

redexpat · 07/07/2019 17:35

Can I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It helped me find me again.

Missingstreetlife · 07/07/2019 17:47

Start small and build up. It's easy to lose yourself but it will come back if you let it.

Original poster

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2019 18:17

DC starts school in Sept. I think that will be a big help. We've sorted EHCP, 1-1 etc. He's going to be ok.

Maybe I will be able to think about me a bit then.

OP posts:

RhodaDendron · 07/07/2019 18:31

OP, if it makes you feel any better, my house is decorated entirely to my taste - my plants everywhere, my books piled against a every wall, photos I’ve taken, chosen and framed... but I’m still quite lost. I’ve lost a huge number of friends since having children, and do little but care for our two small children. I do remember feeling like I’d stuck my head above water in between children and I’m clinging to that.

I strongly recommend houseplants if you want to make your mark on a room... aloe Vera, Chinese money plants, little cacti that last two minutes but cheer you up!

DonnaDarko · 07/07/2019 19:27

I think your husband needs to do more so you can have more time to yourself. Carve out some time in the evenings or weekebd so you can do something just for you

Also get a slow cooker so you don't have to cook every evening!

Original poster

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2019 20:04

I got a slow cooker but it made everything brown and wet and lose its flavour.

OP posts:

DisgruntledParent19 · 07/07/2019 21:33

Get drunk & hit eBay or Amazon

LtGreggs · 07/07/2019 21:46

Use your slow cooker to make things that are MEANT to be brown & wet (mince based things, chilli, pulled pork/lamb or stew/casserole). Eat intentionally brown & wet things twice a week, by cooking a double portion once a week.

This helpful tip is unlikely to be the full answer to finding yourself .

Geraniumpink · 07/07/2019 22:05

Take note of the tiny things that spark you. The moment your attention is caught by something- anything - whether it’s a bee on a flower, or a pair of bright pink socks, or the way someone has their hair - that’s your instinctive self coming to the surface - notice those moments without being critical about them. You can use them to find your way home again. And a Pinterest board is a great idea. It’s hard doing and buying things for your own benefit and it takes some practise too.
You may also find you are not quite the same person as before - but that’s fine.

MrsDumpty · 07/07/2019 22:09

OP I feel you. I think it's why I've become so obsessed with my work, although I don't actually get to do much of it (it's more like a meagre-paying hobby).

I know this sounds trite but honestly the best place to start would be a short course - 10 weeks, find one, whether it's art/creative writing/whatever. In a way it doesn't matter what it is - it's just carving out time where you've paid to be out of the house so you have to go. Even if you don't enjoy the course it'll give you time to think.

formerbabe · 07/07/2019 22:12

I'm exactly the same op! I pretty much have no hobbies and barely any social life. My entire life revolves around the kids, oh and looking after the house. I'm not unhappy but know eventually I'll have to get a life for myself or else, I'll end up as the mother in law from hell!

TheInebriati · 07/07/2019 22:23

jamoncrumpets
Are you actually depressed? Is there anything that makes you feel happy, or hopeful? Do you enjoy food at all? Can you name 3 music tracks that make you feel good? Whats your favourite colour?

If you are struggling to answer those, please see your GP, and take a magnesium supplement.

LittleDoritt · 07/07/2019 22:25

Geraniumpink I loved your post.

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