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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is inappropriate of SIL?

35 replies

GkurzaJ · 07/07/2019 00:26

DN is 15 and SIL likes to post long tangents about her on Facebook. For example (not exactly what she puts obv but along the same lines):

"Had a bad day with DD today! Been a bit lippy with me over boyfriend troubles! What a nightmare!"

"I feel like such a bad mother to DD sometimes. She can be such hard work. I sometimes feel I fail her."

"DD really needs to apply herself at school. She prefers friends and boyfriends! Typical teenager but need to make sure she reaches her potential as all my lovely older nieces/nephews have!"

In response to article about local girl being bullied: "DD was/is bullied as well! But she knows they are just soulless. We often laugh together at pictures the bullies take in skimpy dresses with sticky out bums etc!"

"We were out last night and DD was at home with her boyfriend and dog. The dog was thrilled to see us when we came home and DD said he cried all night. He's so soft!"

These but put into 500 odd words ^

SIL's posts tend to get 15 likes but ones about DN always get none, so I can't be the only one who's a bit Hmm by them. One time DN responded to a comment of her mum's saying "I asked you to stop doing this." on public settings.

AIBU to feel quite sorry for DN? Some posts are extremely personal which I won't go into details about but it gets a lot worse than the examples I gave. There's always updates about names she's called her mum during rows and friend and boy issues. SIL seems oblivious to it and her settings are 100% public so any old weirdo can read them. DN clearly hates it. Obviously I don't want to bring it up to her but I mentioned it to DB and he wasn't even aware she was doing it.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 07/07/2019 00:29

Totally inappropriate.

I take it you are married to her DB? What does he think?

Original poster
GkurzaJ · 07/07/2019 00:29

Also DN had some MH issues last year and SIL got very detailed describing them on FB. Obviously she was after support but it was uncomfortable and I'm certain DN would have been distraught about it, as it was around the time she replied asking her to stop.

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ThistleDownHair · 07/07/2019 00:32

Some people have no filter.

You could always have a discreet word in her ear about it? Perhaps put it in the context of, “How would you feel if I posted X situation about your private life on my FB status?”.

Provincialbelle · 07/07/2019 00:32

That’s awful. Does SIL have absolutely no self awareness?

ThistleDownHair · 07/07/2019 00:35

Also you might wish to educate her by asking her to read through this article....

www.google.com/amp/s/m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8930874/amp

Original poster
GkurzaJ · 07/07/2019 00:36

Provincialbelle I honestly don't understand her at all. I think about other relatives of the same age and all I see posted about them is the typical stuff, won an award in an activity, pic of hairstyle from school prom etc Even then it's clearly with the teen in question's consent. I know nothing about their personal lives or relationships, and nor should I. But when it comes to DN I feel I know almost everything.

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GrapefruitIsGross · 07/07/2019 00:38

How close are you to your brother?

I’d consider taking some screenshots to show him as an example of what’s being shared.

Your poor niece. It’s hard enough being 15 without your mum telling all and sundry about your mh issues.

Original poster
GkurzaJ · 07/07/2019 00:40

ThistleDownHair Just skimmed the article, goodness. Even more reasons as to why it's awful. God forbid in the future someone looking to employ DD searches her on SM and finds SIL's posts. I don't think SIL is aware the posts are public.

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Original poster
GkurzaJ · 07/07/2019 00:43

^*DN not DD in above post. Damn predicitve text

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Nomorechickens · 07/07/2019 00:44

Why aren''t you saying anything to her? She needs to be told by someone 1) that it's inappropriate to post any of this 2) to change her settings from public (including for all old posts, or delete them)

ThistleDownHair · 07/07/2019 00:54

I think a lot of people are oblivious to the potential impact of their social media posts. They have no awareness of privacy settings and their digital footprint.

I was recruiting last year (in education) and was horrified by many of my findings (particularly on Facebook). A lot of applicants got binned immediately due to their FB posts.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/07/2019 00:56

Next time she goes to the toilet, I'd be tempted to quickly lockdown her FB settings for her. Sounds like she won't realise anyway, if nobody is liking her posts.

Or DN could report the posts when she sees them.

SemperIdem · 07/07/2019 01:00

Yanbu at all. So many people aren’t mindful enough about what they share online about their children. It is appalling that your SIL has shared details of her daughters mental health issues online, where her daughter can be identified with no effort whatsoever.

Sobeyondthehills · 07/07/2019 01:10

I don't think SIL is aware the posts are public.

This is a bullshit excuse, I would assume she doesn't give a shit

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 01:12

Also DN had some MH issues last year and SIL got very detailed describing them on FB

I think most kids would end up with MH issues with an idiot parent like that. She’s completely toxic. Poor girl.

Sobeyondthehills · 07/07/2019 01:14

Also, the main reason you can tell if she does know, is my setting up a fake profile and liking her posts, as a random stranger.

If she doesn't lock down her account straight away, then you will know she is doing it for attention. Does she use hashtags as well?

Lottle · 07/07/2019 01:19

YANBU

It's horrendous. Does she realise she's not writing in a diary?!

Big difference between writing about the antics of a baby compared to a teenager. Poor kid 😔

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 01:25

I’d try and get her DB to tell her that what she’s going is abuse. It’s a massive invasion of privacy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2019 02:47

God, if your brother is your niece's father then I would hope he'd fucking DO something about it!
Send HIM the link above, send it to your niece as well and between them they can hopefully work out how to shut your SIL down, as this is totally unreasonable behaviour from her.

And if all else fails then yes, YOU need to do something by talking to her and telling her that her posts are public and that she can't do that to her own DD.

Greensleeves · 07/07/2019 02:49

I'd be very worried about the reality of your niece's life with a mother who habitually and publicly tramples over her boundaries like this.

Having grown up with one. I have MH issues too.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2019 02:51

Your SIL is horrible. She is destroying her relationship with her daughter.

echt · 07/07/2019 03:32

Jesus, your poor niece. Sad Angry

Send her that article suggested by ThistleDownHair

Skittlesandbeer · 07/07/2019 03:54

I’d call DN directly, and tell her you’ve decided to stop receiving her mum’s posts on your feed (mute, block, whatever) out of respect for her (DN’s) privacy. It might give DN the idea that she can ask other family to do the same, or start the ball rolling with getting help from other family.

Telling a mother how to parent never goes well, does it? But you can choose not to participate, make a personal stand. And advertise what you’ve done within the family. Say it makes you feel very uncomfortable, and goes against your principles (and current cultural thinking on mental health). No one can argue your own principles with you.

Original poster
GKurzaJ · 07/07/2019 15:26

She's done it again this morning. DN been whinging about a girl in her PE class apparently Confused Not only is this unfair on DN, but is also completely unnecessary for us to know.

I've got DN next week. We're fairly close, I have her for a night every now and again and we'll go out with my DD. Shall I bring it up? How would you suggest I do it?

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Original poster
GKurzaJ · 07/07/2019 15:28

And yes, her father is my brother. He doesn't use Facebook. When I brought it up to him once and all he said was "Bloody Facebook." as if it was a general issue.

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