AIBU to include them in his life or leave them out?

[Soconfusedandlost]

Ok long story so apologies in advance

I (33, DD2) met ex (43, DS25, DS23, DD18) in October 2017 and he said he had been split with his wife for 6 months. We dated November till New Years Day when he pushed for us to be a couple. In March I found out that I was pregnant. I was on the the pill, he had told me he had a vasectomy and we had already had sexual health checks.

The night I told him I was pregnant, he told me he had cheated with his ex wife ONS. I said to him to go back to her if that made him happy as we had always said that we were not serious, was just a bit of fun that was "exclusive". He swore blind he didnt want her and cried as he begged me to stay.

I wanted an abortion originally and he get saying how great a baby would be as his kids were grown up and his DD was pregnant at time. I then went on a family holiday that was booked before I met him. Whilst away, he alternated between saying how much he missed me and was counting the time till I was home, then saying he was struggling with the idea of the baby.

When I came home, we agreed to get an abortion and then he messaged saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship and then cut contact. I went to the clinic and found out I was further along than thought, 10 weeks instead of 4 weeks. This made it a medical procedure than just taking a pill.

I panicked and got advice from close family members and we decided to keep the baby. Told him and he said he didn;t want us to be together but would stand by the baby which we agreed. In between, I was told that he was back with his ex-wife. He kept denying this until she messaged me, saying I got pregnant to trap him (FYI a semi-alcoholic who works cash in hand to get around the system is not my idea of a commitment guy) and saying they never split up, I was just being used by him and he never loved me etc. She also said that she pitied my daughter and the baby to be for being my children as I was obviously a shit mother.

During the pregnancy, she kicked off and sent me abuse whenever I put anything on SM about the baby despite me not having a public profile or acknowledging them in any way so obviously someone was reporting back to her what I put on mine. All i put on there was the scans and when my daughter was sweet about the baby to be.

Towards the end of the pregnancy, he then began messaging me stating he wanted 50% contact and he wanted the baby to have his surname and he wants a DNA test.

I agreed to the DNA test but refused the surname as I dont think you can demand that if you want reassurance that its your baby. This went on the last 10 weeks of the pregnancy, having the same arguments over and over again despite me saying that we had polyhydramnia as the pregnancy was difficult. Throughout the pregnancy Id asked to meet to discuss and sort out arrangements but he had refused until I was ill and then he wanted to meet sp I refused. He was insisting on the 50% contact from birth inclding taking the baby while a couple of days old to meet his family etc.

My son was born following a week in hospital as we were at risk of cervical prolapse which can severely harm the baby. I let him know the baby was born and then 3 days later, he replied to ask when he could come and do the DNA test. He was demanding that his wife came despite the stress she put me through in the pregnancy so I refused. In the end, his daughter messaged me saying she wanted her daughter to know my son so could he do the test. I agreed so he came to the hospital (we had gone back in due to jaundice). He refused to even look at his son saying he didn't want to build a bond in case.

He then contacted me 2 weeks after to say that he wanted to register the baby, I said I had already done this. He then got angry and asked when he could pick the baby up. I said that i thought best he go through a solicitor as I didn't feel 50% was appropriate in the circumstances.

My son was then hospitalised for most of January due to low weight problems. He has special milk and we still meet a dietician and consultant regularly to try and help him. I made him aware both times and asked for family medical history but he ignored me until pressured and then said they had no problems. This is the entirety of the contact.

My son is now 8 months old and is the friendliest little man. He is a little small in size and developmentally behind the standard but everyone who meets him loves him cos he has the biggest grin for everyone. He just wants to be everyone's friend and even the cleaners in the hospital stop to chat to him because he is such a happy pleasant dude. My daughter is dotty over him and they are so sweet together. I feel like I should offer my ex a chance to have contact with him, mainly for my son to meet his brother and sister and his niece who is 3 months older than him.

My big questions are:
1 - Was i unreasonable?
2- Do I offer him contact now things are calm and hormone-free?
3 - Should I offer contact directly to his daughter to meet her brother given her message at the time of the DNA test?
4 - How do I go about any of this?

If it was me I would honestly steer clear of them. You would be inviting a whole lot of trouble back into your and ds lives. Do you really want your ds to possibly spend 50/50 time with him and his ex who was abusive to you?
Has he made any attempt in the last 8 months to get in contact with you regarding ds?

I would keep well clear of him. Would you trust a liar with your child? I would be afraid that he would take the child and then not bring him back. I would also be concerned that he would not pay enough - or any - attention to your DS's medical needs. If you want the daughter to have contact, that is up to you, but make it clear your ex isn't to come with her.

There's something wrong with this man. He sounds unhinged with the back and forth.
His wife is a vile cow. They are a toxic pair and seem well suited to each other. They put you through an enormous amount of stress during your pregnancy. You need to protect yourself and your baby from these horrible human beings. Please have nothing to do with them. Don't feel guilty or manipulated, you need to put yourself and your dc first now. They can both go to hell.

Thank you for your advice.

He asked for 50/50 for 2 months before birth and then again 6 weeks after birth when the DNA test showed he was the dad (there was no question about it really, he said he was doing it for his own reassurance but I think he was hoping there was a doubt)
Before birth I told him he could have contact but not 50/50 as its inappropriate for a newborn to be away from their mother that much.
After the faffing with the Dna test and not even asking for it for 4 days and then waiting for 2 weeks afterwards and making such a fuss about not even looking at the baby in the hospital when we did the DNA test, I admit I was angry and when he asked when could he pick the baby up to take him to see his family I said it was best for us to go through solicitors and arrange contact. Since then he hasn't asked to meet him at all

I have to agree with the others, your son will be better off without him in his life.

Did you say he's a semi-alcoholic, who works cash in hand so it's under the radar? I wouldn't want him having my child on his own, so contact would have to be either supervised contact at a contact centre, or you'll have to be there. No overnights, and certainly not 50/50, even when your son's not a baby.

You probably won't get any maintenance out of him either. Even if you went through CMS, he'd claim he's not working.

Not sure what I'd do regarding his daughter and her baby. On the one hand, it would be nice for him to know some of his family on that side, but they could be as toxic as him and his wife.

This is my pickle @motoko

He has 3 grown children and 4 stepchildren that are secondary age and above. From what I know, he is and has been a good dad to them. The circumstances of my son seem to have made him a jackass.

The daughter messaged me to ask for the Dna test after birth as the ex was insisting his wife be there for it (I've just spent 12 hours in labour, 6 on a drip to stop me bleeding out, 8 hours in a packed postnatal ward to go home and then come back in less than 24 hours later cos of jaundice and he thinks I'm gonna try and neck him in a hospital ward).

He has alcohol problems (his wife told me this afterwards, he never seemed to have any issues when with me however briefly)

I never asked him for CM and never expected it. It's more the brothers and sister than the ex and his wife to be honest as the sister expressed an interest but has never gone further ut this could be because I never answered her at the time

@motoko with regards to contact, I'd expect to be supervised contact for a long time as due to my sons health problems, my ex needs to learn about feeding rules and his special milk etc as well as because of his own issues as well.

Also he just expected me to say, 6 weeks after birth, "oh yeah come and pick him up on such-and-such day and have him overnight". This is weird yes? Even if he was the best father in the world who had made my pregnancy all flowers and candy gloss clouds, I still wouldn't be expected to give him a newborn on the doorstep and let him go without him getting to know the baby first yes?

I don't think fathers get overnights for a long long time as breastfeeding and the maternal bond take priority.
Even when they do get access it's slowly so the child can form a bond before being left with them. I think 2-3 years before overnights, but I may be wrong.

If he pushes you, insist it's dealt with fairly through the courts. He can pay!

@theorchidwhisperer he hasn't asked since I said to go through a solicitor which was back in December. Even when told DS was in hospital he didn't ask to see him. My questions are more about the daughter seeing her brother. Should I offer or wait for them to ask again? I don't want him to miss out on family just cos his dad is a dick

To be super clear this is not about money. He will never pay maintenance as he works cash in hand and doesn't claim benefits so can't go through CMS and would never ask him for money cos I'd rather starve first to feed my kids than ask

The daughter isn't interested. That was bullshit. You weren't threatened by the wife, but you were soft-soaped by the daughter and her baby. They got the DNA results they wanted. If they were genuinely interested in your kid they would have called before now.

@justilou1 thank you. I wanted to cut them out but I thought that some people might see it as me being jealous or wanting him back. I just want an drama free life with my kids

Then you are best to leave them as a blip in the past and move into the future with a stress-free life without these drama llamas... I can't imagine contact with your son's DF would be straightforward or consistent with those influences....

"In the end, his daughter messaged me saying she wanted her daughter to know my son so could he do the test."
I agree with justilou, it's bullshit. Her daughter could have known your son without the test. She was just doing daddy's bidding.

Do not inflict this fuckwit and his family on your innocent child. He deserves better, and he has that in you and your daughter.

@justilou1 thank you. Can I trouble you for a bit more advice since you seem quite level headed; when he is older and asks about his dad, what can I say?

With my daughter, her dad will never be involved. He is out of our lives for good. So I can say that he gave me her as a gift because he knew I wanted her more than the world and then he went away, a bit like Santa.

With my son, they could pop up at anytime. They live about 20 minutes drive away from us so could bump into them randomly. I've moved house so they can't pop in but there's no way to guarantee they'll stay away

Thank you @WhereYouLeftIt

I needed advice to make sure I wasn't still being a hormonal nightmare as I was called

I would say that "Your dad told me quite a few fibs about himself before you were born. He knows he is your dad and said he wanted to be in your life, but he lost interest once you were born and didn't even try."

*When he is older, of course..... but you are putting the cart before the horse at the moment. It will be very common for him to go to school with kids with single parents. As his sister's dad is out of the picture, he may not ask at all.

@justilou1 thank you so much. Its been such a whirlwind with my son being ill and back and for the hospital that this last week is the first time I've really stopped and thought about the whole situation which has got me stressed and it's playing on my mind.

I live in a small village about 8 miles away from them and there's one main town with the appropriate shops etc and everytime I'm there, I keep looking around expecting them to be glaring at me and stuff and it's wrecking my head at the moment

I very much doubt you were " a hormonal nightmare" ; that's just another one of the lies he tells.

I understand.... Not the drama with the father, but the extended family situation in my case was a nightmare. To top it off, I had a toddler and twins, one with cancer. (She's fine now and about to turn 13, so I was lucky and all turned out well.). I am glad your little one is doing better, and you can begin to find your new normal.

For now you need to hold your head high, and know that you have done nothing wrong. Have some dignity. Don't teach your children to be ashamed of themselves or of you. Be proud of what you have achieved. You have two beautiful kids you are raising by yourself. That's no mean feat. Imagine how messed up they'd be with the negativity of the constant intrusion of your son's DF and his charming wife into your quiet family? You're not demanding anything of them, (which is what I suspect they were guarding against in the first place....) and I think they will stay away as long as you do. Look at some of the boards on here with mums who are constantly chasing dodgy dads who won't pay maintenance but still have to run around after them every second weekend chasing contact - or have the contact messed around with. So far this is not your problem!!! You can make plans!!!

I think you can also assume that the father's family as dysfunctional AF. That is no-doubt judged rather badly in a village situation. Especially if he got someone other than his wife pregnant and the baby has been sick. (I imagine that the gossip scene is ripe). You are on the right path so far with your intentions - it's not easy to stick to them all the time, because you are a human. You'll have to learn to forgive yourself along the way, too!!! So remember that as long as most of the time you do the right thing for your kids by raising them to be polite, well-mannered little people, who go to school, do their work, have friends and can be functional members of society - you will be winning by MILES!!! The fact that you care about your kids above all is a sign that you will!!!

(Oh, and remember that motherhood is nothing at ALL like it's represented on Instagram. All that goddess stuff is crap.)

Yeah it's hard to feel "goddess" when trying to breastfeed to calm him before they do another battery of blood tests on a tiny baby. I can't imagine how upset and anxious you must've been @justilou1 as my situation was bad enough.

I think you guys are right in that they are not people to actively invite into my son's life when we are plodding on rather nicely, even on our bad days.

You sounds like a star OP - you’ve done everything right by your son in incredibly difficult circumstances.

You do not need this waste of space in your life - and neither does your son.

When he is older, you can tell him an age appropriate version of the truth, but believe me when I say the problems you worry about with telling him are nothing to the problems you would have to deal with if this family came back into your life.

Thanks @vivienneholt just want to make sure that I'm not-inviting them for valid reasons and not because I'm being petty or anything like that because you start to query yourself after a while

I think you should work on the assumption that if you ignore them, they will go away.....