To not want strangers to stay in my home

[freehotel]

Urgh name changed ! Annoyed but probably really outing so

Basically we live in a holiday destination. Unfortunately we aren't on holiday we have to work.
My other half has announced that he has said it is ok for his friend and his girlfriend to come and stay for a week. I have met them on maybe one two occasions.
I have told him I'm not really happy about it for a couple of reasons. Mainly that we work pretty long hour

Does your DH realise they’re not actually coming to see him?

In a word NO he really thinks they are coming to see him/us 🙄 I am honestly not convinced it could be the sceptic in me but it's just the cheap holiday isn't it ?

I don’t think you’re being U to not want to host. But I don’t think your OH is being U in wanting to be able to extend an invitation to friends, even just so they can have a cheap holiday. I think the U bit here is if people (including you) are expecting you to play host.

Instead of just saying “no” can you not come up with the ground rules you need to be able to get through the week? For example, OH cooks, cleans (before and after) and gets their room/bed ready. You don’t cook (OH can cook and freeze in advance or make plans for everyone to go out to dinner or let his friends know they will need to eat out), curfew or quiet hours that suit your normal bedtime, They don’t use the bathroom before x o’clock as you need to to get ready for work, they sort their own breakfast out. There won’t be any hosting in the evenings midweek due to long work hours. Or whatever you need to spell out to ensure people aren’t expecting you to pretend you’re actually a boutique hotel with added scintillating company every evening. His friends may be just as nervous about the evenings as you - not knowing if they should expect to stay in and talk with you (which they may also be dreading a bit) instead of going out to a bar or something.

And you could make plans to be able to relax on weeknight evenings - TV or computer in the bedroom so you can watch what you like in peace, make arrangements to go out after work with friends one or two nights, Relax in the bath as soon as you get in, or whatever makes a reasonably nice alternative for you.

So yes it will, of course, be less relaxing than them not coming, but a bit of compromise so your OH can have something he wants isn’t an unreasonable thing in a relationship (I assume it’s a relationship in which your OH sometimes compromises so you can have something you want too - if not you should split up because that’s no kind of life). And other than treating your own home as more of a house share situation for five days, you shouldn’t have to think about the fact they’re there much. And after this, an agreement that offers aren’t extended without a discussion.

He extended the invite, so he is the host. He gets the room ready, does any cleaning required before they come and after they leave.

I'd probably go and stay with my family that week. Just so I didn't have to listen to the whiny 'could you just ...' that is sure to be put to you if you are there.

I’m going through this exact situation now..our guests leave Monday but will have been here for a total of 10 days..insane!

They’re not my friends, they’re my husband’s & I’ve only met them once before we moved - that was it. Although dh has taken some time off work to show them the sights it’s been me to sort out all their meals & excursions. They haven’t lifted a finger in helping with cleaning or meals but tbh I’m not minding it as it’s keeping me busy, house has never been so clean! I’m also a sahm so not as tired as someone who works as well.

I know others have offered advice to just give them a shelf in the fridge & a key but when it comes down to it that conversation is very hard to bring up without sounding really rude. I have been blunt with them saying “it’s ok to go out without us!” “Uber is fantastic here, really you should give it a go” & they’re response is “but where should we go?!” Ffs! Google! TripAdvisor! Do they want me to wipe their backsides, too?! It is very cheeky as they haven’t offered any petrol money for trips, etc..my husband said he never knew it would be 10 days long until the friends booked it!

It hasn’t been as horrid as I anticipated but my dh is irritated by this situation arising in the first place as I am & he has assured me this will never happen again. But it’s true what someone upthread said about giving a guest an inch, they’ll take a mile..

If I were you, I wouldn’t leave bc it'll just cause too much drama. I’d be busy after work for a few days (not all of them) so your dh has to organise tea. The other days maybe go out for the tea. Make HIM clean the house & bedding before they arrive & after they leave.

You’re saving them a fortune & they’re in your home so they SHOULD be extremely polite & well mannered, but if not have some pointed comebacks for them.

I’m sure it’ll be fine..the run up to it is the worst. Best wishes & try not to stress too much xxxxx

Can you go away in the days leading up to the visit so DH has to get their room ready, tidy the house, etc?

I agree with the posters saying don't cancel but make sure you don't do anything to facilitate this. Tell DH he's in charge of changing the bedding etc. Explain cheerily to them that you've got a lot of work on that week and to make themselves at home. Then either really work late (and get lots done) or go to the gym / a café with a book after work.

I think you should go away the days leading up to them visiting and then the week itself.

It's not on him just inviting them without agreeing it with you. I'd be well pissed off!

I don't like it, but I put up with it for DP's friends as he does with mine.

We have a small, 2-bed bungalow. He thought 2 friends were coming Sat-Tues with their two kids. That was bad enough. In reality one turned up with her kid on the Sat, the other other +kid on the Monday, and the all left the following Sat! So 4 adults, 2 tweenagers in a 2 bed for up to a week!!!!! Add to that one of the adults is an attention-seeking weirdo (no SN, just a very difficult and strange personality) who won't shut up for a second, and DP can,t cope with too much social interaction so would disappear and leave me with her and you can tell I didn't have the best week. But I put up with it for DP's sake, and didn't object when the weirdo came back ten years later.

I'm sure he finds my friends just as difficult, but he doesn't moan either. It's OUR house.

They might surprise you OP! If I was the guest under these circumstances, I’d be out of the house almost all the time. If I was there, you’d be coming home to a spotless house, your dinner on the table and a glass of wine because I’d absolutely be pulling out all the stops to make sure you were inconvenienced as little as possible.

We went to visit friends who live in a holiday destination a few years ago, we told them when we were planning to visit and that we'd be staying in a hotel. They absolutely insisted that we stay with them (they do have a large house and pool and we had an annexed apartment). We made sure to eat out every night always inviting them, but no pressure to come and picking up the bill if they came , after all they saved us a huge amount in hotel costs. We also spent the weekend with them but then made sure to entertain ourselves during the week when they were back at work, walked their dog, picked up milk, pastries for breakfast etc. Hopefully your guests will be as grateful and as unobtrusive we were. If not stay away or busy as much as possible.

Since it sounds like they're definitely coming, I'd be saying 'fine, they can stay but I'm not hosting.' They can make their own arrangements for food (eating out) and getting out and about. Seriously, don't lift a finger. Why should a free holiday for these people mean double your workload and expense?

My parents lived at the seaside when they first got married and my mum said they had a constant stream of visitors who knew my dad, some not even close friends, just cheeky fuckers who came, ate their food, expected my mum to skivvy for them and treated the place like a hotel. My mum was only 20 or 21 and didn't like to say no. (She toughened up eventually, but it took a while apparently.) Don't get suckered into being a free hotel for a stream of CFs.

Your boyfriend is angry and sulking at you? Why would he think an angry male would be appealing or using anger would make you want to host his mates? 😄 pathetic. Take yourself away, you know you will end up catering for them because ‘its easier/I felt awkward/well I was making food anyway/I didn’t want my boyfriend to be angry at me again’-take yourself out of the equation-problem solved.

What would he say if you took the week off work and went away for a week?

Him getting angry at you is fucking ridiculous on his part. Sorry I missed that earlier.

YANBU.

What an arse. Go somewhere else for the week and leave him to manage.

This is your red flag moment, OP.

You're not even married and he's taking you for granted. Imagine how much of a domestic appliance he'll see you as if you have kids with him.

At the very least, just leave for the week to put you foot down. I would also insist that HE pays for a cleaner to come in after the guests have left (and do no prep for the visit, yourself). It's a nice idea to tell him that he'll do the cleaning, but he won't, will he? He'll do a half arsed job at best, leaving the real work to OP.

But the real issue here is that he doesn't see you as a separate person to be consulted if he wants to put you to work. A bit like one of his own limbs. 🚩🚩🚩

He didn't consult you beforehand - what a shame, because if he had, he would have found out you were away visiting family that week.

I'm with those who say do NOT go on about rules etc etc. Simply wait til the day before they arrive and tell him you are off to visit your family for a week.

And if he's upset? Point out that according to him you no longer consult eachother before making plans, however inconvenient.

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Teach him he cannot treat you this way - only actions do that, not words.

YANBU
Bet they expect you to feed them at home and out, too. Has your OH even discussed that??

If you leave for the week then the couple will get the house to themselves for a week (apart from your dh) and they will come back!! So I wouldn't recommend that.

I would get your dh to clean and prepare the room for them beforehand as well as clean and sort the room afterwards.

And just say to the couple that they can come but that they will have to buy and prepare their own food as you have a full time job and won't be able to look after them like that.

Make sure their expectations are realistic.

You could also have a couple of evenings out with friends and just go home to bed a few times.

And make sure you and dh are on the same page for the future!

And just say to the couple that they can come but that they will have to buy and prepare their own food

From experience, hell no, do not do that!! They'll take over your kitchen & ruin your stuff. Both us & SIL had pans etc ruined by crap houseguests🤬

Point then in the direction of cheaper cafes & pub food & a few better restaurants & takeaways & allow them a bit of fridge space for cold food such as sandwich stuff & nothing else. You don't want them thinking this is okay for a week again next year or leaving mess or breaking stuff in your kitchen

Even if you haven't, tell him you're going to leave him and his friends to have a jolly old catch up for the week and you're going to take the opportunity to go and visit family. You'll see then how much you had been drafted in.

If he calls your bluff then go and see family. He'll be fine and you'll not have the stress of entertaining strangers and feeling resentful you're doing the graft. He can put a holiday in.

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Teach him he cannot treat you this way - only actions do that, not words.
This ^^ absolutely!