My dad hates me

[doodles149]

My dad left 3 years ago because he met someone else. He didn't treat my mum very well but she understands it was his way of coping.
2 months after leaving he stopped answering my calls or messages. I tried Skype and changing my number but I guess he just doesn't want to speak to me.
He visited me in jan and March 2017 but I haven't seen him since. I don't know why he doesn't want to see me. Me and my mum both tried to organise visits but we have failed.
He ignores even my emails now.
I went through a hard phase of self harming and cutting myself when he refused to see me and when I told him he ignored my emails.
The only contact he has with my mum is to take her to court when he feels like it.

I understand he wants nothing to do with me now but all I want is to know why. What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he love me anymore? I'm a good student, I help round the house and my mum is proud of me. I don't really understand why he treats mum so badly but I guess that's his choice. I just never understood why he hates me too.

What did I do wrong?

Perhaps you did nothing wrong, but it sounds like he wanted a clean break. Don't give this man head space because you deserve better

I wish it was that easy. He left when I was 13 and mum has tried her best but she can't replace him. He loved me once and I can't understand what happened. I get that he wants nothing to do with mum but what about me.

He used to make offers to visit etc but never followed through.

If I knew what I did wrong or why I'm not worthy to be his daughter maybe I can change myself to be good enough. I get good grades at school and I don't get into trouble but that's not good enough

Oh no I'm sorry this has happened and it's all totally your dad's fault he sounds like he's just trying to hurt your mum more by ignoring you.
Have you seen a counsellor about your self harm and these feelings of low self worth? They may be able to support you with dealing with your dad being such a 🔔🔚

It’s really not your fault. He’s got his issues and they are all to do with him, not you.
Don’t question yourself or search for your faults because it’s not to do with you.
Do try to see a counsellor. Talk to your mum or a teacher.

You did nothing wrong sweetheart. I'm sorry, my heart is breaking for you. You are right, you are a good person, a great daughter, who deserves so much more.

It is on his head. Not yours. He is not worthy to be your father. He is the failure. NOT you.

Thanks. I saw a councillor to help with the self esteem and that helped. I don't hurt myself anymore.

My mum has been fabulous and super supportive. She feels a lot of guilt I think because she had no idea he was going to leave and she feels that it's his hate of her that causes the problems with me.

I just can't understand why he hates me too. Even his parents don't want to speak to me anymore. I've always been super polite to him because I was scared of him dumping me too and even that didn't help.

Its most probably his guilt that has made him cut you off. I suspect that your mum has tried to minimize what a truly shit person he is.

When you have a child yourself you will suddenly think wtf! How can anyone walk away from their child.

There is a website called out of the fog which may ring some bells for you. It did for my girls who also no longer see their Dad. However they are aware that their Dad is not a good or kind person.

Try and think of the most together older couple you know. How do they treat each other? I was so surprised to see couples that like each other and were friends as well as being a couple. And can you imagine them doing what your Dad has done? No. A good man treats his wife like something precious and that is the example he gives his kids. That they are precious too.

Good luck with all this. Learn to love yourself for you are surely worth loving. Get as much counseling as you can.

You're a wonderful person OP. You and your mother. Look after each other.

Thanks! I do feel bad for wanting answers from him when mum has done everything for me for 3 years on her own.

Is there a way to find someone?

doodles149 If I knew what I did wrong or why I'm not worthy to be his daughter maybe I can change myself to be good enough. I get good grades at school and I don't get into trouble but that's not good enough

Please stop thinking like this, I know it is hard and you probably won't believe what I am about to tell you but:

Don't tear yourself apart with thoughts of trying to change yourself for someone who is not worthy of you. Your father is not good enough for you, it is his loss. You do not need someone in your life who treats your mother and you so badly, you both deserve so much more.

Your mother is rightly proud of you, be proud of yourself too. Don't waste any more time and energy agonising over your unworthy father.

He doesn't hate you too.

He's just woefully inadequate at fronting up and dealing with a situation that is very much of his making, and his (cowardly) way of dealing with it, is running away from it. He is very selfish, and he is not putting his child first, as he ought to.

And it sounds like it's learned behaviour from his parents, because his parents are using the same behaviours.

It really sucks.

Thanks for the advice about loving older couples. It's true that they are at peace in each other's company. I was so shocked when dad left because they didn't argue and we had just moved so he could start his own business. Mum and I left school and friends and it turned out he was getting us away so he could move in with his girlfriend.

Part of me knows that he can't have a real relationship with me because he's told lies to people and if they meet me they will find out he's not being honest.

You are obviously an extremely articulate, intelligent, and emotionally aware young woman. Please do not let this pathetic man erode your self esteem, happiness and sense of worth. The problem is entirely his. 100%. It wouldn’t actually matter if you were the worst behaved kid in the world, who got expelled from 10 schools, stole cars on the weekends and took drugs. If your dad cut you off in those circumstances, it would STILL be a failing on his part and not yours. There is nothing that you could have done or not done that would make this your fault. Nothing on earth.

I would imagine he feels incredibly guilty for being such a shit to your mum, and by extension to you, and he literally can’t cope with facing up to what he’s done.

Can you go back to your counsellor?

Mum and I moved when I struggled with self harm to give me a fresh start in a new school. It was great and the new school has a new councillor starting in sept which will be helpful

Actually it's helpful to think that it's because he can't cope. Although he is an adult and isn't really behaving like one.

Part of me knows that he can't have a real relationship with me because he's told lies to people and if they meet me they will find out he's not being honest.

Oooooh. Listen to this part of you. It's extremely smart and insightful.

Hi OP. My dad did the EXACT same to me so I understand how you feel. He doesn’t hate you and it’s not your fault. My dad was a lazy father and let the guilt of not seeing me consume him, he buried his head in the sand and decided he was better off not bothering. It was out of sight, out of mind. I cut him out of my life 13 years ago and after having therapy, I am stronger than ever and understand it’s his loss. I really feel for you, it is a horrible thing to go through and it gave me terribly low self esteem and a lot of self hatred. I am here if you need to chat. X

Oooooh. Listen to this part of you. It's extremely smart and insightful.

I wish it was that easy I can't seem to get past the why me. What did I do to deserve this?

I've given up trying to contact him by phone (probably changed his number) or email because he ignores it all. And I don't want to hurt my mum by searching for the answers.

I guess I know I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life but I can't just give up yet

Yes it could very well be the lies; my dad told his fourth wife (!) that he had never been married before or had any children otherwise she wouldn't have married him. He was dead for two years before any of his family found out. When I think about that I think wtf how could anyone do that to their family? But people do selfish and horrible things because it suits them and they can.

You did nothing to deserve this.

Sometimes (all too often) we do not get treated how we deserve.

This is not about you. You are one of the casualties of your father's appalling behaviour, towards his wife, and by extension towards his child. He was utterly selfish. It was all about him, as far as he was concerned, and stuff everybody else.

Four wives? Oh my goodness.

I agree with all the people saying is selfish behaviour. I can't go on school trips or anything anymore because mum can't afford to pay and he doesn't help. We have had some huge changes with how we live. We can't have holidays although mum is saving up and working 2 jobs to try for a week at Christmas.

She tries so hard to give me everything and she loves me enough for two parents but she shouldn't have to.

Am I being unreasonable wanting answers?

You're not being unreasonable, but you may have to be realistic - you may not get them.

Can you get a (obviously part-time) job to help you afford school trips etc? Could your Mum approach the school to find out if there is any assistance or subsidy that you could access?

I'm 31 and I still struggle with my relationship with my father. Various awful reasons.

I have since learnt that he just isn't a good father. He had a terrible father for his role model and consequently he never learnt how to father properly. He can't bear to be emotional or deal with emotions.
He has always put his hobby before everything and everyone. He's 70 this year. He will never change.

So, the best way I have had to deal with it is to try and make peace with it. It is his loss. He will be so lonely when he reaches the end of his life. He will look back and have many regrets. I feel sorry for him that he never had a decent father and as a consequence, he has lost out on 3 daughters.

That is the only way I've been able to cope with it. I still find it hard sometimes though. I still question why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he love me enough? There is always this self esteem issue I have had and it stems from these questions. It has taken alot of self love and hard work on my self esteem to mend that. I still have mild issues but I'm better at dealing with it now.

Try your best to realise and keep in mind that it really isn't you. It isn't you at all. It's him. He is an awful person and he will be so full of regret one day for what he has done to you.

Mum works at a private school to get me a discounted place. They don't do subsidies etc. I'm very privileged and lucky to have these opportunities.

I've been looking for a part time job for the summer to help out. Seems my inexperience doesn't help. but I will keep trying. Thank you for the suggestion.

I do wonder what he thinks about me. Does he even remember me? Does he care about the harm he has done?

Keep trying!

And something I tell my kids is that you gotta look down as well as up.

Look at what you do have.

A wonderful caring, loving, supportive Mum. A great education. These are not to be sneezed at.