My dad hates me

[doodles149]

My dad left 3 years ago because he met someone else. He didn't treat my mum very well but she understands it was his way of coping.
2 months after leaving he stopped answering my calls or messages. I tried Skype and changing my number but I guess he just doesn't want to speak to me.
He visited me in jan and March 2017 but I haven't seen him since. I don't know why he doesn't want to see me. Me and my mum both tried to organise visits but we have failed.
He ignores even my emails now.
I went through a hard phase of self harming and cutting myself when he refused to see me and when I told him he ignored my emails.
The only contact he has with my mum is to take her to court when he feels like it.

I understand he wants nothing to do with me now but all I want is to know why. What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he love me anymore? I'm a good student, I help round the house and my mum is proud of me. I don't really understand why he treats mum so badly but I guess that's his choice. I just never understood why he hates me too.

What did I do wrong?

You sound so lovely, your father doesn't deserve you. I know it's hard and it's normal to question how he's behaving, but it's his loss and it sounds like your mum is amazing.

I'm on my own with a 12 year old who's dad doesn't bother with him either. He's struggling too and I don't know how to help him but I'm doing my best, as is your mum. Go and give her a big hug and let her know how much you appreciate her, she deserves it and so do you.

Hope things get better for you and your mum

We are doing ok at the moment. It's not easy but as you say we are in a good place.

How do I keep trying to make contact and get answers if I don't know where he is or how to contact him?

It's not you, it's him xx

Do you think it might be best at this point in time to focus on you and your Mum? Just looking after yourself, and healing, as best you can? Circling the wagons, so to speak?

This happened with my sister when she was pregnant with her second child. The kids were lucky, they were younger, so it was easier for them to adapt.

Ultimately, Dad did decide he wanted to make contact, etc. He was still a useless twat then, mind. As the kids saw.

@doodles149 I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound incredibly strong. I had similar happen to me, my dad left when I was 14 years old and wanted nothing more to do with me (I'm now 28). I just wanted to say that it really does get easier, you'll probably always wonder why but as time goes on, you'll think about it less and move on with your life. It sounds cliché but it really is his loss. I have 2 wonderful children now and I cannot understand how a parent can turn their back on their children. It does get easier, you sound like an incredible and strong person.

I did kinda bunker down this year because it was my GCSEs and I had to concentrate on them.

I realised that I took all my stress out on my friends and messed up some relationships. I find that when it gets tough at school I get stressed about him and his issues and it got all on top of me.

I don't want that to happen again.

YANBU for being upset and wanting answers OP, and I know it’s easier said than done but please no that you didn’t do anything, and there’s nothing you could’ve done to stop him. He did this, he made these decisions.

Unfortunately you may never get the answers you want, but please try and understand that none of it is your fault, and nothing you did or said could’ve changed what he chose to do.

@SteamSoup thanks for the advice. It helps to know it gets easier. At first the highs when he sent an email were helping to cope with the lows when he ignored me etc. Now I get nothing but I can't lie and say I feel nothing.

I confess that I'm also a little jealous that he tried to ruin mums life and makes me feel like this and yet he gets to have his new life and gets away scotfree. He gets to go on holiday and have fun while we can't. My friend saw his photos on Facebook. He has blocked everyone that knows my mum and I. Probably because he has reinvented what happened and knows that anyone knowing mum or me would see though his lies.

None of this is your fault, absolutely none of it I promise you. Your dad has let you down appallingly, he probably doesn't have any answers for you because he can't justify it to himself. I personally doubt it's worth your time trying to get an answer or reason from him, he doesn't have one beyond astounding selfishness. He doesn't deserve any headspace, though it's inevitable that you want a reason. I agree with others, focus on yourself and on your mum and make the best life you can for yourself, you are clearly intelligent and articulate and that will get you far.

Thank you. Mum got me gym membership which has helped a lot with stress and being fitter is always a good thing.

I guess I won't ever know why or what I did

Life lesson number one. Life's not fair

It’s really not you. He sounds like the type of person that can’t face the pain and hurt he has caused and would rather run from it. A heartless coward.
You on the other hand are intelligent, insightful, loving and caring. You haven’t done anything wrong. I hope he decides to deal with the mess he has caused. Unfortunately some people spend lifetimes not being able to admit the truth to themselves, blaming and punishing everyone else rather than taking responsibility for their actions.
He has let you down badly, his beautiful daughter, shame on him.
Take care x

Again, it's nothing to do with what you did or did not do.

But yes, life's not fair.

He has no answers to give you, OP. He has no reason or justification other than following his cock, and letting it take him down the route of least resistance, which I imagine includes not seeing you. He can hardly admit that, can he?

Guilt plays its part, guilt is the most exquisitely uncomfortable emotion humans feel and it makes us hate and avoid the source of that guilt. In his case, you.

Many counsellors suggest getting some of your feelings out by writing a letter to him and then burning it. Worth a try?

You have so much going for you : you are bright, insightful, loving, loyal and very morally grounded. The opposite of him. You didn't get that from him. Hold on to your mum and help each other heal. You will heal, in time, I promise.

Thanks everyone. I guess seeking answers is normal and from what everyone has said I'm not going to get them. It's frustrating though.

I wonder if he will ever feel guilt or remorse?

It sounds like he's a self-centred so and so who is putting him and his new love ahead of his existing child. Please try not to think you did anything wrong. When I was 15 my parents split up and my dad told me he didn't want to see me or my brother any more. That really hurt. We do have a relationship now but it took a long time. Please try and focus on the good things you have going for you, and your mum sounds wonderful.

I wonder if he will ever feel guilt or remorse?

I'm quite sure he will say he does, when he wants something from you. And that day will come.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Are you still in contact with anyone from his side of the family?
My guess is he knows he screwed up and if he sees you he can't pretend he's a good person anymore. It's nothing you can change, nothing you or your mum did, he's just stuck in a self created problem. I'd put money on him eventually getting in contact once he can pretend that he was stopped from contact/too poor to pay child support/needs something.
I hope you find a way forward, captain awkward advice site might be a good start

I would think it's a case of out of sight out of mind. You cant do anything to make him see you, the balls in his court on that one. You ve one supportive parent dont lose sight of that.

I would be over the moon to have a daughter like you and your dad is a twat for not seeing that

I'm 45 and I haven't seen my Dad for around 10 years. He decided that he'd have an affair with my Mums best friend, leave my Mum after 30 years, marry best friend in secret and cut off his kids and grandkids completely. Recently the new wife sent me a copy of a codicil he'd added to his will letting me know that he'd written me out of it completely and that I shouldn't bother to contest it. I feel exactly the same as you. What did I do? Why doesn't he love me anymore? Am I a bad person? BUT I know that it's not my fault, he's selfish and inadequate and he made his choice. The best thing you can do is live your life and make the most of everyday. You cannot change people, you are not responsible for his actions. It is nothing that you did, or said, or thought. I hope you can push past this. Tuck it all in a box in the back of your mind and go to and live your best life

You poor thing. And your poor mum.

I understand it's answers you crave. But I do honestly think that with the aid of the counsellor and the love of your very obviously wonderful mother, that you can move past this for now, and revisit it a few more years down the line.

It's not going to be easy but I would definitely stop trying to find him for now. It's a very callous thing of him to do, to just walk out on you after 13 years. It isn't your fault, and he probably doesn't hate you at all. I would put money on him feeling guilty for leaving and because of his stupid lies he is unable to be there for you.

What was he like as a father to you and husband to your mum?

This isn't on you at all. I'm very sorry but he is obviously not a nice man. I have a daughter with a dad who isn't very nice. And whilst I'm grateful we got away from him, I do mourn for the relationship she should be having with her dad. She calls my partner dad now.

Try to focus on you and your mum. You're obviously very intelligent and I can imagine you completing a levels and university and making something really special happen with your life. Go and make the life you deserve, and maybe one day your dad will hear of how successful and happy you are without him and come to his senses enough to at least explain his awful behaviour.

Good luck.

You and your mum sound amazing, a credit to each other. Its sad that he is missing out on a relationship with you, maybe it is guilt, shame, selfishness, problems with his current relationship. Please don't ruin your mental health for him, going round in circles. Maybe focus on building good friendships and spending time around people who make you feel good. Keep looking for a part time job, something will come along and it'll give you a boost in self esteem. Keep working on yourself and your future, don't let your fathers poor choices pull you down

It's not because you did anything wrong. He doesn't think about you or not think about you. He thinks about himself.