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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to help with the baby even though he works?

35 replies

whatwouldtheavengersdo · 06/07/2019 14:38

Hi everyone, this is my first post so apologies if I ramble!
My DD was born in February, DH had 4 weeks off work when she was born and in that time he was great. DD would not sleep or be put down on her back so it was a bit of a nightmare, but we muddled through together. As soon as he went back to work though things changed. He refuses to do night feeds during the week and instead sleeps on the sofa so he is not disturbed during the night (I have to have the bottles and steriliser upstairs too). He works every other Saturday morning so doesn't do night feeds on the friday night before then, so basically will just do a Saturday night. He leaves for work by 7am and is usually home around 6, so when he comes home he sits down to chill out so won't take the baby straight away, he has cuddles with her for about half an hour just before I take her to do bath and bed. He has never offered to bath her or put her to bed himself, has only done this about 3 times but only because I've asked him to (and he huffed about doing it then)
Last week DD hit the 4 month sleep regression so for 3 nights was up every hour, before going back to her usual up twice routine. On Wednesday I told DH how exhausted I was and rather than offering to help his suggestion was to ask my sister to come over and watch the baby while I slept (my sister lives 40 minutes away, doesn't drive and has 3 kids of her own). He also text me the next day to say I need to get someone to look after her so I can sleep as he's sick of my attitude and comments towards him. He said he is exhausted too with working and doing night feeds on a weekend. Told me not to take my tiredness out on him.
I understand that he works hard and I don't even mind doing the majority of the night feeds, but AIBU to expect him to at least do bath and bed, and help out the odd time during the night when she's not sleeping at all? I may not go to work but it's not like I have all day to relax and catch up on my missed sleep! Angry
Advice needed please!

OP posts:
Dontcarewhatimdoing · 06/07/2019 14:43

I'm surprised he doesn't want to bath her and put her to bed. You'd think he'd want to spend that time with her after not seeing her all day. You are right, he needs to step up and start acting like a parent!

Tallgreenbottle · 06/07/2019 14:43

My DH works 60hr weeks. On rough (for me) days he still takes over as soon as he gets home and I don't see DS again really until the next morning.

Your job is raising his/your child. That is a full time job. So when he gets home from work the baby raising should be split equally.

He needs to realise he doesn't get to duck out of being a fucking parent because he happens to bring home the wages 🧐

He sounds like an arsehole, tbh OP. And he needs a sharp shock/word to explain he is being a shit father, and that parenting includes him 50% when he gets home from work.

converseandjeans · 06/07/2019 14:49

I think it's a shame he doesn't do bath time or bed time. But honestly babies should not need that much holding. Don't you get a rest in the day? You need to rest when baby naps. Do house work/food shopping when baby is awake. Have you got a routine in place?
It sounds like you need to work out something like he has baby at certain times to give you a rest. Can you afford child minder a day a week?

YouJustDoYou · 06/07/2019 14:51

I'm more saddened that he doesn't WANT to bathe her or spend time with her.

babbi · 06/07/2019 14:52

YANBU - put your foot down now and insist he meets his responsibilities or you are in for a life of resentment as you carry all the load of work at home ( learn from my buyer experience)

Congratulations on your baby - make him do his share so that you fully enjoy motherhood as much as possible - my early memories are utter exhaustion due to a selfish swine who would do nothing at all

geekone · 06/07/2019 14:55

Your DH is an arsehole. My DH worked 6-6, he was up at 4.30 and had an hours Drive there and back. He used to run through to door for bath time and hated it if traffic made him miss it he loved story time and putting DS down for the night. He didn’t do it for me he did it because he loved spending time with DS. When I was at home I did all of the night feeds as a rule but on the nights he wasn’t working if he heard DS first he wouldn’t hesitate to get up. He wasn’t helping me he was just being a parent.
This is the problem, your ‘D’H isn’t being a parent, he doesn’t want to be if he ‘babysits’ or ‘helps’ then this will always be his default. On Saturday afternoon when he gets home from work, hand him the baby tell him you are going out and you will be back in the morning so as not to take your tiredness out on him anymore. Smile leave and stay overnight in a cheap hotel.

One piece of advice though don’t turn tiredness into a competition.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 06/07/2019 15:18

He sounds like a twat. If my DH huffs and puffs about parenting duties I remind him that you don't get time off from being a parent. Yes it's a bit shit sometimes, and relentless, and exhausting, but we both wanted and made them and we have equal responsibility.

Just tell him he needs to sort himself out and stop being a fucking dickhead. It's not your sisters (or anyone else's) responsibility to watch her so you can sleep- it's his.

Ask him to do bath and bed A few times a week, and ignore the sulking

Jinglejanglefish · 06/07/2019 15:32

Of course YANBU. Having a job doesn't mean you're not a parent.

ChoccieEClaire · 06/07/2019 15:57

It sounds a bit like his issues are more with you and your attitude towards him rather than doing things with the baby.
Be honest with yourself, if you were him would you want to come home knowing you're going to get agro straight away?
He is working a lot and does need some down time when he comes home.
If you're on at him as soon as he gets in then that's not fair and will dictate the mood for the rest of that evening.
Children are the responsibility of both parents and you both think you have it worse than the other currently. You need a sensible conversation about expectations.
I've been where you have but at the time my DH was in Afghanistan and my family were hours away so I had no choice but to cope.

Everydayimhuffling · 06/07/2019 15:58

You both need to reframe his parenting when he is at home as that, not "helping" you.

I recommend the book 'How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids', specifically the idea that you both start from equal amounts of leisure time, not thinking about the work you are each doing. So if he has time when he comes home every day then he needs to give you the same amount of time each day (doing bath etc would be a good way to do that). I found that really helpful for myself as well, for giving myself permission to have time away from the baby.

I also do most of the night, but I get extra sleep time after the morning feed (breastfeeding) at 5ish. That means DP gets uninterrupted sleep, but gives up some time so it is fair.

Italiandreams · 06/07/2019 16:05

My baby certainly needed holding that much !
Luckily for me my husband also realised he was a parent! Your husband should definitely do more. Who has the money to pay for a childminder when they are in maternity leave. My husband leaves for work at half past five but still managed night feeds when I was particularly exhausted and did his fair share when he was gone from work.

Italiandreams · 06/07/2019 16:06

Do working mothers get down when they get in from work too ?

ChoccieEClaire · 06/07/2019 16:11

Italiandreams
But the OP here doesn't work so your point doesn't apply to this scenario

Italiandreams · 06/07/2019 16:16

Why does something happen when mothers go back to work to mean parents that had to have down time no longer need it?

ChoccieEClaire · 06/07/2019 16:24

The OP's husband is out of the house for 11 hours a day. During that time the OP will have time to sit with a cup of tea/read/watch tv at various times during the day, if she chooses.Therefore he should be afforded some down time as well when he comes home.
If they were both out of the house working all day then as a family they would be able to sort it so that they both get a bit of time.
It's about communication as a couple and expectations of each other.

Pinktinker · 06/07/2019 16:25

He’s a selfish prick. He should want to spend time with his baby after being parted for half a day. He should obviously also offer to help.

I know a few people at my DH’s workplace suggested DH sleep on the sofa during the week and we were both aghast. I BF’d anyway so not much DH could help with but the notion of him avoiding us all together being in a different room was shocking. I can’t believe people do this, it’s awful. Why even have a baby if you’re not going to help raise it?

BrokenWing · 06/07/2019 16:29

It is not "helping with the baby" as if it is a chore, he should actively want to spend time with her if he only sees her for an hour or so before bedtime. He can chill once she is in bed. I don't know any fathers who haven't done their share of getting up at night with their young babies.

While I was on maternity leave I would barely get my hands on ds once dh was home from work! He did most baths, prepared the bath etc while holding ds or having him close by, put him into his pjs and then cleared up as I bf and put to bed.

When ds woke during the night I would bf downstairs and put back down to sleep, if he was up for longer or needed a nappy change (or complete change after a nappy explosion!) dh would get up and help change cot sheets or take over.

I have no idea what you do when your dh is simply not interested in his own child, it shouldn't have to be insisted upon/forced.

Italiandreams · 06/07/2019 16:29

I think we maybe had different experiences of babies . I spent the first 3 months in pain from a horrific birth with a baby that wouldn’t be put down and just wanted to be rocked whilst I stood up constantly. By four months the the pain was less but she still was not a fan of being put down. The idea of drinking a cup of tea was out of the question. I don’t know the OP’s situation but it’s certainly not always as you seem to be describing it. I was desperate for my husband to take the baby for a few minutes when he got home and luckily for me he was happy to.

Tallgreenbottle · 06/07/2019 16:33

Yeah @ChoccieEClaire he is allowed 50% of it as downtime. Just like the OP is.

Not every baby is an easy baby and your reply is patronising as fuck.

It was all I could do to stand up some days with my son, let alone chill out and make cups of tea Hmm give over.

Also I know I'd rather have been in an office somewhere dealing with spreadsheets than be utterly exhausted with a screaming, shitting, tiny hell monster attached to my tit non stop.

Gracie300 · 06/07/2019 16:38

Agree with this.

ChoccieEClaire · 06/07/2019 16:38

Italiandreams
I appreciate that everyone's experiences are very different. From the age of 3 months to 1 year I was living alone with my DD as my DH was in the army. Maybe it hardened me but I had no one to help and no one to rely on, as well as the worry of a DH that was working in an active war zone.
I still had time to do stuff, keep plans with friends, take my DD out and have time to myself when she was asleep or sat in her bouncy chair/jumperoo.

CatsLikeCoffeeToo · 06/07/2019 16:41

In answer to the question about working mothers, it's perhaps less relevant as my DC is older now but on the days where he's at home with DP and I'm at work, I expect to switch straight into parenting mode on arrival at home, not least because I want to see DC! However, I have a long commute which acts as "chill time" for me, and DC is usually bathed and in pyjamas so it's straight into stories and cuddles. DP will get me a drink and maybe then start dinner.

I think more than 5-10 minutes of chill time on arrival home for a drink and a change of clothes is unrealistic, personally - but I know everyone does things differently.

Italiandreams · 06/07/2019 16:43

Sounds like you did an amazing job and that’s great but the OP does have a husband around every evening that should be helping out.

CustardCreamLover · 06/07/2019 16:43

I'm pissing myself at the posters saying that OP gets down time during the day!!! Down time means not having to be responsible for the baby. Not worrying if he's sleeping, crying, hungry etc. I get 30 minute naps out of my baby during which I'm running around like a blue arsed fly doing washing, cleaning,tidying and cooking. No time yo sit on the sofa and watch TV with a cup of coffee some people are seriously deluded.

OP you husband is a knob. Remind him his job wasn't just contributing sperm.

Snowy81 · 06/07/2019 16:45

Exdp never done night feeds as he was up at 4:30am for work. However he fought me to do everything else- he would rush home from work as soon as he could, and I wouldn’t get to hold the dc at all for the rest of the evening- he fed, somebody baths, put to bed. He’d even take the baby out in the wind and the rain, snuggled in his sling, with his coat done up around them both, to walk the dogs if dc wouldn’t go down. On the weekends he would be up at 5am with dc, and allowed me to stay in bed until I wanted to get up, even sorting my elder dc out as well.
I can’t understand why some men don’t get involved- it takes two to make a baby! It’s 2019, not 1819. It’s not a women’s job.