AIBU to expect DH to help with the baby even though he works?

[whatwouldtheavengersdo]

Hi everyone, this is my first post so apologies if I ramble!
My DD was born in February, DH had 4 weeks off work when she was born and in that time he was great. DD would not sleep or be put down on her back so it was a bit of a nightmare, but we muddled through together. As soon as he went back to work though things changed. He refuses to do night feeds during the week and instead sleeps on the sofa so he is not disturbed during the night (I have to have the bottles and steriliser upstairs too). He works every other Saturday morning so doesn't do night feeds on the friday night before then, so basically will just do a Saturday night. He leaves for work by 7am and is usually home around 6, so when he comes home he sits down to chill out so won't take the baby straight away, he has cuddles with her for about half an hour just before I take her to do bath and bed. He has never offered to bath her or put her to bed himself, has only done this about 3 times but only because I've asked him to (and he huffed about doing it then)
Last week DD hit the 4 month sleep regression so for 3 nights was up every hour, before going back to her usual up twice routine. On Wednesday I told DH how exhausted I was and rather than offering to help his suggestion was to ask my sister to come over and watch the baby while I slept (my sister lives 40 minutes away, doesn't drive and has 3 kids of her own). He also text me the next day to say I need to get someone to look after her so I can sleep as he's sick of my attitude and comments towards him. He said he is exhausted too with working and doing night feeds on a weekend. Told me not to take my tiredness out on him.
I understand that he works hard and I don't even mind doing the majority of the night feeds, but AIBU to expect him to at least do bath and bed, and help out the odd time during the night when she's not sleeping at all? I may not go to work but it's not like I have all day to relax and catch up on my missed sleep!
Advice needed please!

I completely agree with you and I wasnt out to bash anyone. My original point was that the OP and her DH need to talk to each other to try and understand each others points and feelings.
Each relationship and family are different, they need to agree on what works for them and what feels fair to both parties otherwise the resentment will just build on both sides.

Here’s another one of those dickheads who thinks parenting isn’t for men. Being a full time parent is more hours and more hard work than any other job I know.

A father who wants nothing to do with his own child doesn’t deserve to have a child.

Thanks for the support everyone, at least I know it's not me being unreasonable! I know he needs downtime after work but there's a difference between having half an hour and royally taking the piss!

As for the daytime downtime for me, I'd love nothing more than to binge watch Netflix all day with endless cups of coffee (and biscuits), but unfortunately my tiny human only naps for a maximum of 40 minutes at a time (and doesn't have many of them) so by the time the chores are done and my arse hits the sofa she's awake again!

He sounds pathetic.

I work 4 days a week, usually leaving at 7am and getting back at 6pm. Guess what? I still look after my son the rest of the time, on my own! That's called being a parent.

Must be nice for him to have so much unpaid childcare so he can fanny about and just look after his child when it is convenient for him... nope doesn't work that way.

for you OP, 4 month regression is very painful, but it gets better! Sometimes it's good to have a catalyst to make some changes as you will have more difficult stages and it's not right for you to have to do so much on your own. He should WANT some quality time with his daughter after work; otherwise how will they bond?

Oh and saw your latest post, tempting as it might be to do all the chores, try and put your feet up for the first 10 mins at least when baby is napping, you deserve it!!!

He has all week to catch up on sleep!

So basically you've had a baby and your life has been turned upside down and you are up multiple times a night.

Hes had a baby and....has one disturbed sleep a week and the rest of the time he is at home his life is the same as before.

That just doesn't sound right! If he doesnt start bath and bed soon then your daughter will soon be at the age where she has a clear preference and it will be much harder

What does he think is going to happen when you go back to work (if you're going?) He'll have to do more with the baby then

To be honest he sounds like a selfish shit

OP, when baby sleeps even if it’s just 40 minutes. Sit down. Do the chores when baby is awake. Maybe in a sling or even crying in a bouncer near you. This doesn’t not help with your husband or even your tiredness but honestly you have to put yourself above chores. My first baby was like yours and it nearly broke me. It took me 7years to do it again. Another refluxy crying little monster but this time I’m not lifting a finger IF baby sleeps. Chores done when baby is awake.

Argh this kind of behaviour fucks me off so much! Couple has baby - mum’s life totally implodes, dad’s life continues as normal because he’s the breadwinner. Absolutely fucking unreasonable. And what happens when mum goes back to work? Do they both get downtime when they get home while the baby gets the dinner on?!?

In my household, looking after the (extremely high needs) baby was my full time job while DH was out of the house. When he came home, everything was shared. EVERYTHING. Including the night wakings. He got his commute to decompress and an hour at lunchtime. He could go for a mosey round the office when he felt like it. He could have shit if he felt like it. He talked to adults all day. He drank his coffees without them going cold and managed to eat lunch every day without our child screaming at him because he’d had the temerity to put him down for five minutes. He had the easier time by far so only fair he did his share at night. And I know for a fact that it was easier because once I went back to work, it was so much easier than being on maternity leave. OP, so sorry he’s being such a fuckwit. I’d be tempted to tell him you were going to leave him if he didn’t start pulling his weight, and he could have 50/50 custody which would mean doing half the nights and baths and feeds etc on his own.

And either it’s a walk in the park to look after your child all day, in which case he shouldn’t have any objection to taking over when he gets home. Or it’s hard and demoralising, in which case, if he loves you and your DD, why the FUCK isn’t he manning up and helping you before you’re on your knees with exhaustion? Ask him that.

As for the posters who think OP will inevitably get time to nap and watch tv and do her frigging nails, well, you must have had a very different kind of child than I.

Yanbu, he should be helping more. Babies are not easy at that age - DH used to call going to work his "break"! He also used to get up at 5am (DS was an early riser) so I could have an extra hour of sleep before he needed to get ready for work at 6am. And he would take over as soon as he got home - he'd text when he was leaving so I could feed DS and then head straight up for a nap / shower once he got in. Anyone who thinks days with a 4mo are full of naps and resting must have had extremely easy babies or have blanked out the memory of relentless exhaustion!
On the plus side OP, what you are in now is the most difficult time sleep-wise and it will end. I found 6mo a real turning point as naps extended and I actually could have a break while he slept, plus night times improved too. It is hard but this will pass! In the meantime, take it as easy as you can on yourself.