To cut them off

[busymum303]

So. Long story, have 2 older sisters, haven't ever been close to them as there is a big gap in age, but recently things have detoriated further

One of them didn't come to my wedding, didn't explain to me why or have any valid reason not to, just didn't turn up. She's been very on and off with me for a long time and upsets me a lot how she treats me..have never done anything wrong or even had an argument with her to explain her behaviour

The other is a very negative person, never has anything nice to say, constantly belittles me, makes fun of me, judges me and acts as though she is better than everyone else.. however she has helped me out a lot financially which I'm very very grateful for, has also had my kids a lot too if I've ever needed a sitter. So had a falling out over something so silly, was on holiday and she had my oldest child, DD called me in a panic as her lips and face was all swollen (allergic reaction of some kind) so obviously I called my sister and told her to get her to a hospital to get checked out. She didn't do this, took her to a chemist instead, and then afterwards had a massive go at me for "not trusting her judgement" this was 3 months ago and she still hasn't spoke to me since and when I brought it up she has twisted it round onto how I apparently spoke to her.. she's a very controlling person and I think she just didn't like that I was telling her what to do with my DD, I'm aware I'm rambling a bit but I suppose I just need others to make me feel less guilty about cutting them both off, feel like cos of everything she's done for me I've kinda just got to put up with it..and shouldn't have to

Will add, mum and dad are very on the fence and won't ever take sides or get involved so also don't want to make things awkward for them by not talking to sisters again..

First sister, who knows, but second sister sounds like she has been there for you.
Why would you cut her off.
Your child was ill and you panicked and perhaps were a bit harsh. It happens when we are anxious.
Apologise and move on. Assume that in a high stress situation it is possible that you may have spoken more harshly than perhaps you intended.
I cant understand the eagerness with which some people claim to cut their family members out of their lives for trifling misunderstandings. It would be a mistake, I think, to believe all the people on here who claim to be nc with their families. Because otherwise half the country wouldnt be on speaking terms with the other.
You are family. Sometimes families fall out. But your sister has helped you out on numerous occasions and therefore cares for you.
Why would you stop talking to her when you could just say, 'sorry if I came on a bit strong, I was a stressed and worried'.

Appreciate the advice hazel, but honestly I'd be here all day if I told u everything.. im 100% the type of person that if I'm in the wrong I will hold my hands up and apologise, but I honestly did nothing to cause this and will not apologise for doing nothing..all I did was told her what I wanted her to do. in regards to MY child, she didn't respect my wishes; and then proceeded to stop talking to me because of it.. it's not as simple as we have had a petty argument and I want to cut her off, yes she has done a lot for me but does that mean because of all she's done for me I should have to roll over? I don't think so..I've had years of judgement, negativity, insults and just generally being emotionally unsupportive, yes she's helped me financially and with babysitting the kids but does that Cancel out how she's treated me?

Oh, sorry, you've already decided.

I thought you were seeking opinions.

Go right ahead and cut your nose off to spite your face.

You don't have to take her negativity. Or her money. Or her babysitting.

You could just agree to disagree, or wait for it to blow over. Or, you know, just make a great big drama out of nothing and tell her never to darken your door again.

Why lose a family member for no reason, especially a helpful one.

Think you have already made up your mind that you want to cut them off so not sure what you are asking for?
I genuinely want to know, if the second sister has treated you like that then, why would you want her to look after your child? Of course she should have listened to you but she didn't. Assuming your child is alive and well now so say sorry and move on if that's what you want to hear.
One of my sister's and I drifted apart for years due to being in different countries no fight or anything but since she moved back to same country we talk almost every day. Could help with you reaching out to the first sister.

Supportive as always I see ladies, haven't made my mind up at all. Obviously that's not what I want as she is my sister but just think there is only so much I can mentally put up with..friends in RL have advised to cut her off as they've seen the whole picture and what her behaviour has done to me mentally over the years, and not just focusing on the fact that she's gave me money in the past and babysitted my children.

Babysitting regularly has given her some sort of pr in her eyes. You obviously trust her with dc so you should have on the medical issue ...

I've tried reaching out to the first sister, and got blocked..I have no support with my children, no other family members take the kids so a case of her being the only available option for my children, and she was usually good to the kids would never have intentionally been cruel to them. Would like to add I didn't fall out with her over her not respecting my wishes in regards to my child, it's her that fell out with me

As for the medical issue, same thing happened few weeks ago I took my child straight to a&e they took it very serious kept us there as a precaution for 4 hours for fear of throat closing up, and gave him a weeks course of steroids..big difference between that and a over the counter antihistamine that the chemist gave him. Think as a mother I have the right to say what no want to happen in regards to my child when it comes to medical issues

The first sister is a no brainer, if she didn't turn up to your wedding with no good reason i would class that as unforgivable.

The second sister does sound nice OP, a silly falling out shouldn't mean you never speak. Use this as a platform to reach out and explain that you really appreciate her, bit that sometimes she can come across as patronising and it upsets you and her behaviour makes you feel belittled. If she's happy to help you out and babysit your children I would say she can't be all bad, and a proper conversation could go a long way.

Don't put them both in the same boat when one is helping and the other couldn't even spare time to attend your wedding.

If you trust somebody to look after your child you should trust them to make the correct judgement. You told her what to do over the phone even though you weren’t able to properly assess the situation, she assessed the situation and realised what you were saying to do wasn’t necessary so she trusted her own judgement over yours. Your DD was presumably fine and so your sisters judgement was correct? If I asked somebody to look after my child I wouldn’t then expect to be dictating to them down the phone what they should be doing - if I didn’t trust someone to do the right thing I would never have left them with my child in the first place.

You were unreasonable not to trust her judgement so I’m not surprised she felt annoyed at you. To be honest if you do cut her off you’ll probably be doing her a favour as it sounds like you are the problem in this situation, not your sisters.

Thanks starlive for the helpful advice..I have tried talking to her, I did reach out to her two days ago, to try and sort this out and spoke nicely and even explained how this all made me feel and that I don't want to fall out with her over it, reiterated how grateful I was for everything she's done for me in the past too, Her response was to get angry, insult me and then ignore my messages

Of course you do.
No one is disputing that.
But, given that the treatment she gave your daughter was adequate on that occasion, is it worth ruining a relationship over?
If you are determined that the answer is yes, then go nc. But I would need a much bigger reason than to to cut off my siblings, some of whom I see rarely and some of whom dont do things the way I would like. One of them is even a tad bossy, but we have a shared history and blood ties that are worth so much more

OP - Could you list for us all the things YOU'VE done for your sister?

I know that she's helped you out financially "a lot"
She's babysat for you ( dozens of times, ...more ?)
Helps you out on holiday with the kids
Chemist was a great idea - I see you didn't tell us outcome so was obviously fine.
( Interesting that you looking at give-and-take equates in your eyes to you "rolling over" , ie if you don't get your own way you look on it as
a defeat in your relationship , a submission...

I understand that, and yes DC was fine, all I said to her and literally this was the exact words "would prefer it if you took DC to a&e just to get a doctors opinion rather than just give them piriton " don't think that's really me being unreasonable at all and absolutely no reason for her to kick off at me like she did.. no one said I don't trust her with the children or anything that would have remotely hinted at that just purely was concerned for my child and NICELY asked for her to take DC to get checked

The first sister I understand.

The second I don't. There's lots of thing they keep you in hospital for the be cautious. You trusted the sister with your DC you need to either not, or trust her judgement. Financial support and childcare? She sounds ok to me.

I think it's time to have a chat and raise these issues- from both sides- and get the air cleared.

Yes I could quite easily list many things I've done for my sister

I've looked after her for 8 weeks when she broke her leg, moved in with her and did everything for her
I look after her children daily so she can work
Let her borrow my car
Picked up the pieces and pretty much had her children for 3 months when her and her ex split up

I could go on, but this isn't what my issue is, this isn't just purely a disagreement about my child his goes a lot deeper than that, and I don't feel the need to throw everything I've done for her in her face

In that case maybe let the dust settle and try again in a few weeks? Or just leave the ball in her court ie " I'm sorry about this falling out, when you have calmed down you know where I am and I'll be happy to try to sort things out" then just see how it goes from there. At least that way you know you've done all you can and you have tried to rectify the situation and it's up to her from there on. Hope it works itself out OP.

The first sister is a no brainer, if she didn't turn up to your wedding with no good reason i would class that as unforgivable.

I wouldn't. But then again I don't value weddings as much as some people on Mumnet, and believe that they're often viewed as far more important than they actually are.

Again going against the grain in relation to the 'helpful' sister who gives money and childcare. Constant negativity and belittling someone is very wearing and no one needs to hear this. YABU to accept her help in the circumstances, but YANBU to feel down by this, and to feel it's something you want to put at a distance.

A compromise measure might be in order here. Stop accepting negative-sister's help. Dismissive-sister is someone you seem rarely to see in any case, so no need to do anything about her. Create more of a distance between you and negative-sister, gradually, and without any histrionics (i.e. from this day forward I have no sister scenes).

If she's stopped talking to you, she's taken her own decision that's out of your hands in any case. So let it slide. No running to her with apologies, and no actively avoiding her either.

I'd be inclined simply to sit tight and do nothing, OP, and see how the situation pans out. This might be easiest on your parents too.

OP, I'd say your sister (No.2) thinks herself superior to you in some way. Just something about the way she's reacted really strongly to your request re taking your kid to A&E makes me think it's a case of, I can't believe SHE thinks I can't look after a child properly. You're being judged.

Just for the record she doesn't give me money all the time think that's been misinterpreted, 3 times in the past she's helped me financially when I had no other option, isn't like I go to her for money regularly...don't think I deserve to have that thrown in my face when I've equally helped her just as much

Finally..yes Ed that's exactly what it is, how u have described that is exactly how she is..she is very very controlling and think the issue is that she wasn't getting to make the decision in that situation and that's what she didn't like..I'm glad I've managed to at least put across to someone what she's like

I'm assuming the pharmacist agreed with her that your child didn't need to go to a&e?

The pharmacist did yes isn't the point anyway whether I was right or wrong, as a mother I expect my wishes to be respected in regards to care for my child.
When I took DC to a&e myself for exact same thing a few weeks later they kept us there for monitoring and prescribed DC steroids for the reaction..

OP, there was nothing remotely unsupportive in the first comments on this thread. You gave information and asked for posters opinions as to whether you are BU. Posters, as you requested, gave their opinion and point of view on the information supplied and you immediately went on the defensive.

You clearly do not want anyone on here to give an opinion that differs from your own, you want strangers to validate your decision, why? You have already spoken to friends in real life who obviously know more about the events/situation with your sisters than posters on here who don't know you from Adam, your friends agree with you and have validated your decision. You want to cut both your sisters off, so do it.